All About G

Yeah, I took a little quiz in a little pamphlet and I have discovered the obvious: I’m depressed. In fact, I’ve very depressed. And I just realized how far I’ve fallen down.

I’m positive you all know how much I am in love with sports, right? I have a category for it on this site, and if I can recall correctly it’s the biggest one too. Anyways here’s what been going on: Compared to last summer, I don’t go out anywhere. I don’t go swimming, I don’t start neighborhood games of soccer (MY FAV SPORT) anymore, I don’t play manhunt… hell I don’t even walk outside to walk down the street or something. And like I said before I’m really active… or, was. It’s like I’ve lost interest in absolutley everything I love, even stuff I don’t usually do. I don’t eat much nowadays just because I don’t feel likt it: it feels like a wasted effort to go make food, so I usually skip meals, up until dinnertime. I don’t have any motivation to write or draw or read. I love to sing too, but now that’s starting to… I dunno… fade away. It feels like everything… my whole life… is a waste. No, I’m not saying that I’m thinking suicidal crap, I’m not, but it feels like my life is… hmmm…. what’s the word… hopeless… pointless? No… more like… a black hole. I don’t know if that makes sense to any of you who read this, it doesn’t make much sense to me, but I was going through words and stuff and that’s the one that stuck out the most.

Anyway, I’m depressed, and I want to do something about it. Lucky for me, Mom told me earlier today… okay, yesterday (seeing as how it’s 1am), that if I did things I liked to do, then I’d cheer up. It was then that I decided to go to open volleyball. Origionally I had planned to stay home, but I figured it would help cheer me up. Besides, my friends Eva and Rich were there too, so what was there to lose?

Apparently more than I think: My game was totally off tonite… last night… which didn’t help. Usually we joke around when people make mistakes. When I messed up, and when they joked, I pretended to laugh it off, but deep down I felt completely horrible and useless when I’d usually laugh or come back with some witty remark. I felt like it was because of me that our team kept messing up, and that everytime I messed up, I blew a great opprotunity. I felt like an utter failure, and I felt like everyone was starting to get annoyed by my blunders… Everything time they joked after I screwed up, it felt like… my body was just being drained of something, like there was a vacuumm in me… I felt empty, there, that’s what it felt like: I felt empty on the inside. It was horrible.

I don’t know if I want to try going back next week… not for a while.

In other words, I went out: it didn’t help.