So, I know I haven’t updated this with anything important in a while, and I’m sorry for it.
And so, at the risk of alienating everyone I’m going to talk about, here goes nothing.
Okay, so it goes like this: I have a friend that I’ve known for over a year. I actually started hanging out with him one day and the four of us, because there was someone else that we met too, became like, best friends.
Well, I don’t know if Casey and Ethan consider me and Jess their best friends, but I consider all three of them mine.
This past summer was freakin awesome. I had sooooo much fun with these guys. And at one point I got a crush on Casey, though he politely turned me down saying that no, he doesn’t like me that way, but he’d love to continue being friends. And of course, I loved to continue being friends too, because he knows how to have a good time without breaking the law XDDD most of the time, lol.
But I’m straying off topic. Okay, so I continue to hang out, being friends with him, and liking him, but refusing to let that get in the way of a perfectly good friendship. The four of us have made some good memories and whatnot, and at times I was confused because of things, but I brushed them away.
So, here I am, going to college and all, blah blah blah. I go home for Thanksgiving Break. So it happens that my birthday is in that same week and whatnot. So the four of us hung out on my birthday. We played Truth or Dare (damnit, you are NEVER too old to play Truth or Dare), and, sure they were dares, but me being the hopeless case that I am, once I had gone home and went to bed, my mind plagued me with thoughts and confusion. Of course, although I still think about it now, I really don’t think anything’s changed except that Ethan and Jess are friends instead of a couple, but that’s a different story. Although my mind tries to make me think otherwise, I still try to stick by me not doing anything to ruin the friendship I have with Casey. These three guys are the best, and I don’t think I’ll get any better friends than them. So for the love of everything there’s no way in hell I want to mess this up!!! What I’ve been doing is keeping my feelings in the back of my head and focusing on our friendship, and if by some chance Casey ever starts liking me, I’ll wait for there to be proof of it before I do anything. If Casey likes me, and he’s honest and I’m positive that it’s true, then yes, I’ll be with him. If he doesn’t ever like me, that’s okay too. Sure, I’ll let my mind make up wishes and hopes, but I’m not gonna let it ruin the friendship. Love can come and go, but friendships can last forever. I don’t see best friends filing divorce papers because one cheated on the other.
But that’s off subject. So there is Casey back home, whom I like, but won’t let those feelings get in way of our friendship. Now I’m back from Thanksgiving Break, and there’s a kid (well, not really a kid, he’s 17) named Javon who messaged me on Myspace one day. After that we decided to meet up. We met up Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, and like, on Tuesday, he tells me “I think I’m falling for you.”
At first I was kinda like, I don’t know… I really didn’t know what to say. But how can someone fall for someone after only 3 days of knowing each other? And he keeps telling me how he’ll be a good boyfriend, how it’d be better if I went out with him because I’d see him more, how he really wants to be with me. I don’t think I like him the way he likes me, and I’m not even sure if he’s being honest about what he wants. Because I’ve been in a situation where someone has told me that they really liked me, and then once they got what they were really after, they just blew me off. I was so pissed off. I really don’t want to go through that again. And this kid acts more like he wants that, if you know what I’m saying. For God’s sake, he told me that when he first saw my myspace page, he was “sprung.” Um, HELLO!?! How the hell does that mean you’re in love? When I hear “I’m sprung,” the FIRST thing the comes to mind is “Baby Got Back,” and, unless I’m absolutely retarded and crazy, that song was most certainly NOT a love song.
And I’m not saying that it’s necessarily a bad thing, but it’s just, like, well, if someone’s gonna go on and on about how they like you when all they really want is a piece of your ass, then what’s the point?
For the past few days I’ve been thinking. Because this kid seems to really want me to make up my mind, which is starting to piss me off, because I’m not gonna drop everything and jump into something without thinking of everything first, you asshole! I’ve been comparing, contrasting, looking at pros and cons. So here’s what I think.
As of right now, I know for a fact that Casey doesn’t like me in the same way that I like him, because the last time we asked, he said he didn’t, but he thinks I’m hot, in that other sense (hopefully those of you who are smart can figure out what I’m saying). And that’s perfectly fine, because he leaves such hints as that I KNOW what he wants (and it’s not like I don’t want the same, but that’s another different story). Sure some of those hints seem to get me thinking they might mean other things, but I’m going to stick with the notion that it’s love and not lust. It’s okay that he doesn’t want to go out with me, and hell, for all I know, it may be better that way.
If I had to choose between Casey and Javon, I’d be better off being single, lol, but if I got to choose who to date, I’d pick Casey. Although Javon lives here and I could see him whenever I wanted to, it would also get in the way of my studies, which are supposed to be top priority. If I were to go out with Casey, unless he drove up to visit for a weekend or something, I wouldn’t be able to see him until my breaks, when I wouldn’t have to worry about falling behind in schoolwork. However, if I dated Casey, I wouldn’t be able to see him until just then, my breaks, and I only know him as a friend, so I have no idea what he’s like as a boyfriend, and for all I know he could be a player and cheat as soon as I’m gone. For all I know, he could be the perfect guy. I’m only going on assumptions here.
Another thing is that yes, Javon, you are cute, but just because I think you’re good looking doesn’t mean I’m going to want to date you. I’ve come across many a fine looking guy on my journeys (LMFAO), but I’ve never dropped everything and fell for the guy. When I first met Casey at soccer game in my, oh I don’t know, senior pre-season (or was it junior?) of soccer, I didn’t immediately fall for him. I don’t believe in love at first sight, that’s damned impossible. I thought he was very extremely gorgeous, had a tan that was freakin better than my own (which annoyed me because he’s freakin Irish and I’m half-black for gawd’s sake!), was really good at soccer, and was really fun to be around. When I began to admire him, it was later in the school year, when he recognized me and remembered my name after 3 months of meeting me for a week and never seeing each other again. I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to ever see the kid again. He’s in Otego, I’m in Sidney. I THOUGHT we had different interests. But, he remember exactly who I was, we had a ten minute conversation before having to part ways. I would run into him every now and then, but I didn’t really hang out with him until last summer, when I got that crush on him. It was after around a year of barely knowing him, and then REALLY getting to know him in a couple of weeks that I decided I liked the kid. I think he’s really mature, we have A LOT of the same interests, not too many, and he’s so much fun to be around. That’s another thing. I have so much more fun around Casey than I do around Javon. He’s too quiet for my taste. In general Casey’s much more my type than Javon is.
Of course since I have the right to make my own decisions, for the sake of my schoolwork, I’m going to just stay single. Having a boyfriend here in Ithaca and within a walking distance would mess me up with my schoolwork, and hanging out with Javon so far has already proved this. Ever night we’ve chilled out, I’ve come home extremely late. The earliest time was 1am, the latest was 4am. That is just NOT going to do when I have schoolwork. Having a boyfriend who lives far enough away from me so that I could concentrate on my schoolwork is good for my schoolwork, but it still wouldn’t work because for all I know he could be cheating on me or something, and I’d never find out. I’m just gonna wait until the summer or something before I get a boyfriend (and it may only last just that summer, depending on where he may be)… if I get a boyfriend at all.
So, I’m sorry to whoever wants to date me at this time, unless I actually want to be with you and see that being with you will be fully beneficial, but I’m just going to be single and free for now. I’m going to wait until I’m positive that being in a relationship isn’t gonna fuck me up for a semester.
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