So this weekend wasn’t the best visit home I’ve ever had… I could probably say as of now it’s the worst visit home I’ve ever had. Mainly today was the worst.
Simply put, I got into another fight with my dad. This time I wasn’t even trying to be spiteful. I was trying to get a point across… obviously it didn’t work, and his issues got in the way… again. So he pissed me off… again. He was being a spiteful little bitch… again. I don’t particularly care that he thinks the last comment I told him was an insult; it was actually another point. But since HE’S a spiteful, immature little fucking brat, it doesn’t matter anymore because of the fucking shit he said.
Now I’m just so tired of it. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of his spiteful little comments that almost always hurts me to the point of tears (though this time around I’ve more or less kept the suppressed). I’m sick of him acting like the victim all the time and trying to get my sympathy especially at the times when some of the problems are his fault. I’m tired of him feeling like whenever I try to point out a fault for him to think about, I’m attacking him. And I hate it when he attacks me back just because he’s wrong and he knows it. I’m so very tired of his shit. So I’m done. I don’t need this extra stress and hurt in my life. I give up. I can’t even try to maintain this diminishing relationship with this crap, with him being a complete asshole.
Ever since he became depressed, this relationship all has been going to shit. And I can’t do anything about it, so I give up. I can’t try and give him tips to try changing his horrific lifestyle habits and make him feel better and get healthier, so I’ll let him slowly kill him self. I can’t talk to him and give him things to think about and improve, so I’ll forget about having those kinds of intelligent conversations at all, and let him assume that absolutely everyone’s fucking after him and that he’s forced to do everything when it really isn’t that way at all. I can’t interact with him while he’s in this state, so I’ll wait and hope he’ll get better, even though it looks like he probably won’t. I can’t pull him out of his own fucked up little world and let him take a look at reality, so I’ll let him live and suffer in his own world. I can’t try and help him and give him hope, so I’ll give up on him just like he’s seemed to have given up on him self.
I don’t want to have much, if anything at all, to do with him until he gets his fucking head straightened out. Let him come to my games and meets and whatever he wants to if he really wants to see me. It’s appreciated. But until he’s back to the dad that I can actually deal with without getting upset every other fucking time I talk to him, I just can’t be that close to him.
Maybe this may actually inspire him to get his head out of his fucking ass and do something with him self. But I kind of doubt it, because Dad never seemed to be the type of person to try and fix things, regardless of the negative consequences afterwards… at least until he didn’t have a choice. THEN he would try to fix it, after major amounts of damaged had been done.
And Dad, eventually you may say sorry about this little episode too. You’ll say something like “I wasn’t thinking when I said that,” or, “I was angry so I just didn’t care if what I said was hurting your feelings,” or even, “I didn’t mean any of that.” Of course, I may be wrong and you’re just going to assume this was all my fault and are waiting for me to apologize. But I’m not gonna, because I didn’t really do anything wrong. I wasn’t the one being spiteful and immature, and I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings, now was I, hm? I was trying to bring up a fucking point. Besides that, I’m not going to believe you’re sorry anymore, because this happens EVERY FUCKING TIME. Nothing’s changed; nothing ever changes, and nothing ever will change. We’ll fight, again, you’ll apologize for hurting my feelings, again, and then you’ll do it a few weeks or a couple of months later… again. If you’re really sorry, prove it.
THANK YOU! I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who thinks this!
A friend of mine once asked me, after I told them about me being bi-racial, what do I identify with; blacks or whites? I told her; I don’t identify with either. I’m Gina before I’m anything else. She had replied to that with; you realize that everyone else will look at you and automatically say you’re black. To that, I said; well that’s because they’re stupid and can only think in categories.
I don’t understand why people see me as a certain thing, or why they expect me to identify with a certain race. Why do I have to identify with anything? Even though I’m bi-racial, if I identify with whites, will that make me a white person? If I identify with blacks, does that make me a black person? Why can’t I just be me? Gina Baker is who you should be looking at, not the color of my skin. I’m not just white, or just black, or just anything. I’m made up of many different genes from many different places and races that traveled through generations and generations until creating the person that is physically me. But that shouldn’t be something to judge me with. You learn about my personality, intellect, and opinions before you even begin to come to any conclusions about me. Things that should actually matter when deciding whether or not I’m worthy or being your friend, not my fucking skin color!
Race/color shouldn’t define who a person is, nor should anyone else define that person. That person them self should define who they are. There is no real logical reason to be taking everyone and separating them into categories; blacks, whites, Asians, etc. We’re all human. Shouldn’t that be what counts?
So, who am I? I’m Regina Ann “Gina” Baker, who lived in the city but now in the country; a freshman in college who’s a little young amongst her peers because she was homeschooled and advanced further than her peers (I’m “supposed” to be a senior in high school now) and still finds it a little hard to fit in really well; a young adult who is still afraid of truly growing up and being on her own; A daughter and sister who loves to sing and dance and spend time with her family; a caring friend who is willing to do anything for her friends; someone who finds it hard to say no, but is willing to do just that and stand up for her self when everyone has turned their backs on her; and simply a girl who is living and loving life, who appreciates what she has even though there are things she wants and still doesn’t understand, who is fascinated by the world around her and is always curious and striving to learn more, who is blessed with what gifts she’s been given, and will eventually be ready to show her self off to the rest of the world.
So yea… I’d really appreciate it if you took around five minutes out of your day to finally send my dad those laptops that you promised several months ago that you’d mail to him ASAP… I could really use a laptop… it’d make my study life a lot more easier and comfortable too. A laptop would be perfect for me. So… yep… all it takes is just five minutes…
Where did this come from you ask? Being in the college library and borrowing one of their laptops. It made being there so much more convenient. It would make everything so much more convenient… if I actually had one…
Yup… so I’m just gonna wait now… wait for that laptop that I’ve been waiting for since the beginning of the school year
I just realized that my underarmour shirt, you know the one—that black spandex shirt—that I love so much, is missing! It’s not here in my room! I thought I had brou… no I know I brought it with me to college. I don’t remember if I packed it and brought it home with me over any of the breaks or not, so I don’t know where it is… it’s most certainly NOT HERE DX
Does anyone know how horrible that is!? It’s sooooo windy outside, and just when I need it the most, it’s not here :cries: I’m so worried for it. I hope it’s not gone forever. Me and that shirt went way back you see.
I have the hunch that it’s at home, and I really hope I’m right. I’ll be able to find out this weekend—keep your fingers crossed!
So I haven’t updated in a bit. And I figured I could give you a status update since I returned to IC about a week ago (Less than that actually… I came home Monday afternoon because I got sick, and feel the worst on Sunday).
Bleh, if I had a microphone, a working microphone, I’d do like, a podcast. :sigh: oh well. That reminds me, the broken headphones I had… I accidentally broke for good, but I got my headphones from home and brought them back with me after spring break.
Let’s see… Track practice this past week has been absolutely killer. I can’t really move my legs… well, that’s a lie. I can move my legs, but it’s hard as hell to do so, plus they feel like jello _’ Hopefully I’ll be able to recover BEFORE the meet next Saturday…
:runs to works: (4:30pm)
:returns from work: (8:50pm)
AAAAAAGGGGGHHH MY POOR FEET ‘N KNEES! THEY HURT!
Well, they don’t hurt that bad now that I’ve been sitting for a little bit. Anyways, let’s continue the update.
The highlight of my week came of Thursday when, in Wellness, I got to get hypnotized. It was an experience, and it will be a hard one to describe, but I’m gonna try it anyway.
So there were three of us up front. I happened to be the last person to get hypnotized, so I watched the other two get hypnotized in different ways. The first girl girl hypnotized by a swinging pendulum. The second girl got hypnotized by the guy’s finger. So he came over to me and he asked me “Are you good at math?” I told him, “Yea, sure.” So he asked me to count backwards from 103 by 7’s. So I started it, and it was a lil harder than usual, mainly because 103 isn’t divisible by 7, so I had to count down. I got down to… let’s see.. 87, and then there was a humming to my side (it was actually the guy talking to me). I couldn’t think… well I could, but it was like my thought processes were slowing down. Which would explain why I jumped from 87 to 69 before I felt him very VERY lightly push my head forward (his hand was resting at around the nape of my neck). And as soon as he began to push it, my eyes closed and I was like, stuck there. And it was weird, because I was conscious, but I wasn’t… like I was in a trance. The only thing I could hear was the hypnotist’s voice. Everything was a gentle hum. My body felt like all of my muscles had turned to mush, and I couldn’t move. I pondered to myself; I wonder if I can move my finger? I wonder if I can open my eyes? I tried to, to see what would happen, but I couldn’t move. My eyelids felt like heavy weights. So I settled for listening to what he had to say. Sadly, the only thing I can remember him saying is “You’ve done very well so far,” and something else about having a healthier immune system and how when I wake up, my mind will be clear and I’ll be alert before he snapped his fingers and my eyes abruptly opened. And, I did what he told me to do, because my mind felt very clear and I felt very aware. I really liked the experience though; I wanna get hypnotized again X3
So, other than the formal tomorrow (which I will tell you about on Sunday because it doesn’t end until around 1am or something like that), that’s all, so I’ll talk to you later.