So this weekend wasn’t the best visit home I’ve ever had… I could probably say as of now it’s the worst visit home I’ve ever had. Mainly today was the worst.
Simply put, I got into another fight with my dad. This time I wasn’t even trying to be spiteful. I was trying to get a point across… obviously it didn’t work, and his issues got in the way… again. So he pissed me off… again. He was being a spiteful little bitch… again. I don’t particularly care that he thinks the last comment I told him was an insult; it was actually another point. But since HE’S a spiteful, immature little fucking brat, it doesn’t matter anymore because of the fucking shit he said.
Now I’m just so tired of it. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of his spiteful little comments that almost always hurts me to the point of tears (though this time around I’ve more or less kept the suppressed). I’m sick of him acting like the victim all the time and trying to get my sympathy especially at the times when some of the problems are his fault. I’m tired of him feeling like whenever I try to point out a fault for him to think about, I’m attacking him. And I hate it when he attacks me back just because he’s wrong and he knows it. I’m so very tired of his shit. So I’m done. I don’t need this extra stress and hurt in my life. I give up. I can’t even try to maintain this diminishing relationship with this crap, with him being a complete asshole.
Ever since he became depressed, this relationship all has been going to shit. And I can’t do anything about it, so I give up. I can’t try and give him tips to try changing his horrific lifestyle habits and make him feel better and get healthier, so I’ll let him slowly kill him self. I can’t talk to him and give him things to think about and improve, so I’ll forget about having those kinds of intelligent conversations at all, and let him assume that absolutely everyone’s fucking after him and that he’s forced to do everything when it really isn’t that way at all. I can’t interact with him while he’s in this state, so I’ll wait and hope he’ll get better, even though it looks like he probably won’t. I can’t pull him out of his own fucked up little world and let him take a look at reality, so I’ll let him live and suffer in his own world. I can’t try and help him and give him hope, so I’ll give up on him just like he’s seemed to have given up on him self.
I don’t want to have much, if anything at all, to do with him until he gets his fucking head straightened out. Let him come to my games and meets and whatever he wants to if he really wants to see me. It’s appreciated. But until he’s back to the dad that I can actually deal with without getting upset every other fucking time I talk to him, I just can’t be that close to him.
Maybe this may actually inspire him to get his head out of his fucking ass and do something with him self. But I kind of doubt it, because Dad never seemed to be the type of person to try and fix things, regardless of the negative consequences afterwards… at least until he didn’t have a choice. THEN he would try to fix it, after major amounts of damaged had been done.
And Dad, eventually you may say sorry about this little episode too. You’ll say something like “I wasn’t thinking when I said that,” or, “I was angry so I just didn’t care if what I said was hurting your feelings,” or even, “I didn’t mean any of that.” Of course, I may be wrong and you’re just going to assume this was all my fault and are waiting for me to apologize. But I’m not gonna, because I didn’t really do anything wrong. I wasn’t the one being spiteful and immature, and I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings, now was I, hm? I was trying to bring up a fucking point. Besides that, I’m not going to believe you’re sorry anymore, because this happens EVERY FUCKING TIME. Nothing’s changed; nothing ever changes, and nothing ever will change. We’ll fight, again, you’ll apologize for hurting my feelings, again, and then you’ll do it a few weeks or a couple of months later… again. If you’re really sorry, prove it.
After all, actions speak louder than words.
Sometimes, in order to ’see’ one must clear the air. That is what I was doing and I should have not assumed was that I could do it with you. In order to fix something, it must first be seen.
I am well aware of my responsibilities to the family and I am not avoiding them. I am well aware of my health and what needs to be done as well as some choices I made in the past that were wrong. Too bad I don’t move as fast as you wish, but I am not you nor are you me.
I am not looking for sympathy from you OR anyone nor do I expect or want it. I am well aware just how fucked up I became and it is up to me to ‘fix’ myself and not someone else to do.
I have finally, after 5+ years, got to the point where I actually care about myself and have started to take corrective measures. I will do what ever I have to. If I get co-operation from others, fine, but I am not going to wait on them. My way of doing it may not be to other satisfactions then TS. I am not doing it for anyone except me to get better and to obtain MY dreams (which I gave up having over 5 yrs ago).
I can not expect to take care of anyone unless I can take care of myself first. Hopefully the next time we meet it will be more pleasant and not as ’strained’
Congratulations, Dad, you have failed the listening/comprehension part of this exam but you have succeeded in having more or less everything I said go over your head.
Look, since you obviously didn’t get the subtle hints, nor did you read the message behind my post, I’m going to open your eyes for once.
What pisses me off the most is how you were and still keep coming up with excuses as you why you COULDN’T take my ADVICE on ways you could get a healthier lifestyle. Tell me, how am I supposed to believe that you’re trying to heal yourself, when you don’t even acknowledge my suggestions and instead are continuously coming up with ways NOT to try them?! I’M TAKING SEVERAL HEALTH-RELATED COURSES, YOU DUMBASS. FITNESS, NUTRITION, AND WELLNESS. I think I know what I’m talking about, at least, more than YOU. It infuriates me when you don’t even say something like “That sounds like a good idea. I might try it sometime,” and instead say something like, “Oh, I would walk more, but it’s so cold outside.” (FYI, I’ve had to walk in sub-zero temperatures against my will. If I can do it, you can too. You have the better winter coat ANYWAY!).
So, now do you understand why I’m pissed at you? And do you understand the message behind that blog post? I look at Mom, and I have a hard time remembering that she’s 48 years old. She doesn’t seem older than 40. YOU, on the other hand, don’t come across as 52. YOU come across as 60. Do you get this? You’re letting yourself become old and unhealthy. And you know you’re running out of time. Of course, your time’s running out faster because of the way you take care of yourself. Get it NOW? I don’t want to see you die. I don’t want to see you bedridden or in the hospital because you had a stroke or a heart attack. I don’t want to see the current you especially, because it’s like you just don’t care. It’s like you’re waiting to die. And I don’t want that. At the rate you’re going, you’ll end up dying “young”. Hell, for all we know, you’ll end up dying BEFORE you get your precious business up and running. How the hell are you supposed to accomplish anything, HOW THE HELL are you supposed to ACHIEVE YOUR DREAMS, when you’re DEAD?!
Honestly, I have no idea if “the next time we meet” will be “pleasant and not as ’strained’.” Because it’s on you Dad. I can’t do anything. You’re the one with the problems, and according to you, only you can fix it without any kind of help whatsoever. I’m not gonna believe anything until I see SOME kind of difference. And that’s the third thing you missed, the bolded last sentence that you used to drill into MY head all the time. Listen to yourself every now and then. THEN people will listen to you.
September 23rd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
[...] example: Dad tells me in one of my previous posts that he’s working slowly to fix his depression [...]