All About G

I wonder if Steve still hates trees? And I wonder if Andy still almost dies?

Yea, questions like these are coming up while I’m reminiscing in my wasted couple years of complete stupiditiy and immaturity. It’s gotten me thinking about plenty of things, like the decisons I’ve made and where’s it’s brought me.

Looking back on it all, and seeing how far I’ve come, along with everyone else I know, it’s pretty amazing. Sixteen years, a junior getting ready to become a senior… soon I’ll be thinking of prom, college tours, trips, and graduation, when it seems like it was only yesterday when I was going through the big move (from downstate to up here), only yesterday when I began developing interests in boys other that the myth that they all have “cooties.” I’ve been through so much joy, so much pain. But, whether it be good or bad, it all contributes to my learning what to expect and prepare for. Sometimes, the pain may be almost overwhelming, like you’ve seen in previous entries (anger, depression is when I am hurt). Some things are over, like that episode with Andy, that’s over. Some things are only just starting, like my relationship with my father, and what that will become of it (we’ve been fighting more latley, and slowly, a barrier is beginning to thicken between us). Though these experiences I’d rather not want to deal with, they help me develop courage, passion, and strength, my rare courage and strength (from here, the last three paragraphs), which I sometimes doubt, my passion which I sometimes do not understand.

It won’t be long from now when I’ll be wearing the gown, throwing my cap into the air with my classmates, screaming with joy and clutching my diploma close to my heart. Sometimes I can imagine that moment: it will almost be magical.

But what about after high school? I have plans: I want to go to either Ithaca or Syracuse and major Athletic Training and/or Physical Education with a minor in coaching. Will I be able to get into Ithaca (1st choice) without too much trouble? Am I’m smart enough? Am I good enough? Will I have the money? And why am I worrying about these things now when I still have a year and change left. It’s funny that I’m fretting so much when I still have alot of time left before I really do have to be an adult and going out ito the harsh world more or less alone.

I still find it amazing, me, my friends, everyone: we’ve all grown up and come what seems like so far in this life journey or our own. But I know that we all still have quite a ways to go. We’ve still got our goals and dreams to try and accomplish, and our plans for what we do afterwards. We still have to look foward to the true coming of age, which comes at different times for everyone. We still have to wait for the years after college, when we must truely grow up and be adult, deciding what exactly to do with our life. We still have to deal with our mid-life crisis, and I know for a fact that that’s a LONG way ahead.

Ahead… looking foward. Seeing what’s in the present and the future. Not dwelling on the past…

I think that’s something I should start doing. There’s nothing I can do to change the past, though I wish I could. I’m pretty sure everyone does. There are things, people, friendships from before, some not too long ago, some from when I was little, places I know I will probably never see r experience again. Those things I will miss with all my being, but there isn’t anything I can do now to bring them back. I can, however, keep them with me in my heart and mind forever (or at least however long my memory lasts). There are dreams and fantasies I have which I will keep. There’s the love I recieve from my family (most of the time) and friends which I’ll never forget, especially the love and support I got from those closest to me, like Mom, and like Kasedy. Those people I will never forget.

Right now at this very moment, I’m crying. I don’t know what for. My heart feels… I don’t know… amazingly full… overflowing even. I feel full of warmth. I feel safe and protected. I think… I think I feel happy. I’ve grown up so much from the little girl I used to be. I’ve done some bad things, and made some major mistakes, but I’ve also learned. I’ve become wise in my experiences, and I’ve discovered everything I can about myself, thing that nobody would probably ever know, or ever will find out. I feel like… almost like a flower, blooming in full, colors glowing with everything that is me. And to think, I’m not even halfway done with this life of mine. What will I do, once I’m set out into this world? When will I know my purpose, and will I perform it as best as I can?

I think about these things and more. What will happen when I die? Will I just come back again, reincarnated as another person? Will I have the gifts I have now? Will I move on to an afterlife? What will that be like? Will it be like Heaven? Will it bee like Hell? Will it be my dreams and fantasies come true? Or will I be cast into a black void?

What am I looking foward to?

Experience. Wisdom. Purpose. Answers. Knowledge. Courage, and strength. Life here and beyond. Fulfilling my duty here, then finally resting in peace.

Eternity.

These things, I will look ahead for. And I will embrace them with open arms.

Comments (0) Apr 09 2006

R – u r beautiful
E – You are popular with all types of people.
G – You are friendly and understanding
I – Love is something you deeply believe in.
N – You can be very “FUN” (in BED)
A – You always want some action.

I think it’s true *wink*.

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I know it’s something really stupid to say, but I just have to say it. I think a bunch of guys like me. This is where a small dilemma comes in. I think I’m starting to like one guy (no names, and not telling anyone either) again. I don’t know if this guy likes me back. So I’m waiting. Meanwhile, a few other guys want to go out with me, but I’m not sure if I’d prefer being friends with them or not. Some guy I know FOR A FACT that I don’t want to go out with them, but there are a couple others that I’m not so sure. Cause some moments I like them, but sometimes I only like them as a friend. And then there’s the other guy. So, what’s a girl to do? So many guys, so little… me? *rolls eyes* nevermind. Anyway, what’s a girl to do? I guess I’ll just continue being me, and hope that it doesn’t cause too many problems *evil grin*

Comments (0) Dec 12 2005

Top 10 Things I Have Learned from Being 16:

10.) Getting a permit isn’t all that hard to do once you’ve gotten all the paperwork out of the way.
9.) My father is a side seat driver T_T
8.) Brian is thankful for my help.
7.) Permits cost alot of freakin money.
6.)Andy’s attempting to socialize with me for some obscure reason -_-’ oy.
5.) I’m not as rusty at driving as I thought I would be. Actually it’s pretty fun… I’m still working on a comfortable driving technique (where I put my hands on the steering wheel).
4.) Steve still happens to be MIA… T_T I think he’ll be MIA forever, or until I drag his lazy ass over here to find out what’s been going on with him.
3.) Alot of people liked my performance at the Dome on Saturday, and tell me I have a beautiful voice. It’s awesome. Oh yea, and we’re going to State finals.
2.) Being 16 is VERY different from being 15 but…
1.) … The things I want at the moment haven’t changed And neither have I.

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Birthday!

***Quick tidbit of news – I MADE IT!!! I FREAKIN’ MADE IT!!! I MADE IT TO ALL-COUNTY!!! YEEEEEEES!!!

Comments (0) Nov 22 2005

Yes! Today was my 16th birthday!

About freakin’ time!

After I was continuously embarrased by some people (no names) singing happy birthday to me, I left the school at 9:45 to take my permit test. We jumped through a hell of alot of hoops and finally got the money to pay for everything… $75 to be exact. Anyways, I took the test once, and me, being the cocky lil girl I am, zoomed through the thing without even looking at the questions and ended up failing it, lmao.

Me and Mom reviewed the test and the questions I got wrong. Boy did I feel like an idiot after that.

Anyway, I took the test a second time, and didn’t rush through it. I took my time and read every qeustion and the answers before I made a choice. This time, I passed the test with only two wrong questions. I got to drive back up to the school, beaming with pride lol.

After school I walked home, and chilled, then drove Dad out to the store twice, and alot of poeple told me happy birthday. I feel special.

It was fun, very fun. And I’m not done yet. Lol, this birthday celebration’s lasting two freakin’ weeks! Well… that’s only because we couldn’t go downstate this weekend and had to postpone it to next weekend. But all in all I can’t wait

I love you all and thanks for the attention you gave me today! I feel so much better than I have been.

Comments (0) Nov 21 2005

But I did. Today was a very awesome day.

I woke up, freshened up, and me and my mom and Brian left for Syracuse for the state semi-final match for football.

Normally I wouldn’t have been able to go, but I was very lucky enough to have been chosen to sing the Star Spangled Banner for our kick-ass team. I had to stand in front of the Sidney supporters, and I tell you there were a whole lot of them, holy crap. Like, a few hundred at the most o_O I was so nervous. In the middle of my performance, my right leg started wobbling and threatening to give out on me. I was thinking DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE GIVE OUT ME ON NOW!!! while singing this. But I did a really good job. And least, that’s what everyone else says. I heard myself singing, and it didn’t have much of a delay, thank god, and it sounded pretty good. Megan Newell video-taped it, and I think she was going to give it to Mrs. Olsen to show the class on Monday. I wanna hear what I sounded like. I’m also going to ask for a copy. Teisha, who has never been in chorus, said my performance gave her goosebumps, and almost made her cry. I was like… wow. That was amazing.

And the Sidney Warriors kicked all kinds of ass today, winning 22-28. HELLS FUCKING YEA!!! I was screaming so much now my throat kills. THat’s not stopping me from screaming though.

THe only downside to this day is that I think Brian’s grounded for life Don’t ask.

Two more days!!!

~*Gina*~

Comments (0) Nov 19 2005