All About G

So this weekend wasn’t the best visit home I’ve ever had… I could probably say as of now it’s the worst visit home I’ve ever had. Mainly today was the worst.

Simply put, I got into another fight with my dad. This time I wasn’t even trying to be spiteful. I was trying to get a point across… obviously it didn’t work, and his issues got in the way… again. So he pissed me off… again. He was being a spiteful little bitch… again. I don’t particularly care that he thinks the last comment I told him was an insult; it was actually another point. But since HE’S a spiteful, immature little fucking brat, it doesn’t matter anymore because of the fucking shit he said.

Now I’m just so tired of it. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of his spiteful little comments that almost always hurts me to the point of tears (though this time around I’ve more or less kept the suppressed). I’m sick of him acting like the victim all the time and trying to get my sympathy especially at the times when some of the problems are his fault. I’m tired of him feeling like whenever I try to point out a fault for him to think about, I’m attacking him. And I hate it when he attacks me back just because he’s wrong and he knows it. I’m so very tired of his shit. So I’m done. I don’t need this extra stress and hurt in my life. I give up. I can’t even try to maintain this diminishing relationship with this crap, with him being a complete asshole.

Ever since he became depressed, this relationship all has been going to shit. And I can’t do anything about it, so I give up. I can’t try and give him tips to try changing his horrific lifestyle habits and make him feel better and get healthier, so I’ll let him slowly kill him self. I can’t talk to him and give him things to think about and improve, so I’ll forget about having those kinds of intelligent conversations at all, and let him assume that absolutely everyone’s fucking after him and that he’s forced to do everything when it really isn’t that way at all. I can’t interact with him while he’s in this state, so I’ll wait and hope he’ll get better, even though it looks like he probably won’t. I can’t pull him out of his own fucked up little world and let him take a look at reality, so I’ll let him live and suffer in his own world. I can’t try and help him and give him hope, so I’ll give up on him just like he’s seemed to have given up on him self.

I don’t want to have much, if anything at all, to do with him until he gets his fucking head straightened out. Let him come to my games and meets and whatever he wants to if he really wants to see me. It’s appreciated. But until he’s back to the dad that I can actually deal with without getting upset every other fucking time I talk to him, I just can’t be that close to him.

Maybe this may actually inspire him to get his head out of his fucking ass and do something with him self. But I kind of doubt it, because Dad never seemed to be the type of person to try and fix things, regardless of the negative consequences afterwards… at least until he didn’t have a choice. THEN he would try to fix it, after major amounts of damaged had been done.

And Dad, eventually you may say sorry about this little episode too. You’ll say something like “I wasn’t thinking when I said that,” or, “I was angry so I just didn’t care if what I said was hurting your feelings,” or even, “I didn’t mean any of that.” Of course, I may be wrong and you’re just going to assume this was all my fault and are waiting for me to apologize. But I’m not gonna, because I didn’t really do anything wrong. I wasn’t the one being spiteful and immature, and I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings, now was I, hm? I was trying to bring up a fucking point. Besides that, I’m not going to believe you’re sorry anymore, because this happens EVERY FUCKING TIME. Nothing’s changed; nothing ever changes, and nothing ever will change. We’ll fight, again, you’ll apologize for hurting my feelings, again, and then you’ll do it a few weeks or a couple of months later… again. If you’re really sorry, prove it.

After all, actions speak louder than words.

Comments (3) Mar 30 2008

Haha, the first time I’ve used something from a song/song title for a blog post title. But anyway, I guess I can say that that’s what the cause of my depression. To be a little more clearer, loneliness.

I believe my whole life, I’ve never really had true friends. Or, to give those credit, I’ve had very few. Mainly Jess and Casey and Ethan and Anthony (if I ever see him more than once a year), plus a couple others, are the only real friends I have. Before them, there were people whom I thought were my friends, but in reality, they did nothing but use me and hurt me. And I stuck with them for years.

See, it’s really hard for me to make friends in the first place. One of the major problems is I can’t find people that I can connect with. There are people that I can just click with, and for my entire life, I’ve only come across a handful of people that I’ve clicked with. The other part is, I wanted to be accepted by my peers, even though I was different — I thought that by being accepted, I would be able to make more friends.

I don’t know if I look it or not, but I have such a hard time trying to fit in among those I actually want to be friends with — my peers. But I can’t really do it, because I don’t know how they think. I don’t think like most people, so I can’t really fit in no matter what, now can I? For the longest time I couldn’t really understand why I felt so weird compared to the rest of my age group, so deviant, so out of the circle. I felt almost like I didn’t belong, and they didn’t want me there. The people that actually became my “friends,” I attached myself to them, desperate to have someone to be with so I wouldn’t be alone anymore. I was so desperate, I let them walk all over me, do what they want. We’d get into fights, or I’d get mad at them, but I couldn’t stay away from them because they were, seriously, all that I had.

I eventually dumped the people with whom I had relationships that didn’t give me any kind of gain or benefit. What’s the point of being friends with somebody if they don’t make you happy? I graduate, I make new friends in the forms of the four names I mentioned at the top of this entry. But it isn’t quite the same, because I really don’t think they know me, like me. But it’s really hard to truly be myself, because I’m terrified that they’ll immediately think I’m crazy and not want to hang out with me.

I was looking forward to college, you know? Everyone was telling me “Oh, it’s a whole new experience,” “The best thing that’s ever happened in my life,” “You’ll make so many new friends there.” I go to college expecting everything to be different — for once, I wanted someone to like me and get to know me, not my facade. I was wrong. Nothing changed. Nobody really talks to me here, or, to give them credit, they have very short conversations with me, and then they leave. So, I’m still alone, and I’m still lonely. No one to truly talk to, nobody who can relate with and understand me, nobody to connect with. It’s kind of painful. That empty feeling in my chest has come back, and I know I was supposed to celebrate Imbolc (part of my religion), but I’ve been in a daze and I have no motivation to do anything (I’m so sorry, Brighid). I want to sleep forever, so that I won’t be bothered by this sadness. Sleeping is something I like to do, and if it weren’t for that fact that I’d still need to eat and bathe and whatnot, sleeping forever would have been something I would have seriously thought about. I’m not always depressed like this; especially when I’m at home with my family — people who know me and like me for me. But when I think about just how I have no one to talk to at all unless I’m at home with my family, it really hurts, because it feels like it’ll only be my family that’ll accept me.

I don’t really know why it’s so hard for me to deal with being lonely, because I’ve been alone pretty much forever. The “Gina” that everyone likes is the Gina I fabricated in order to fit in; no one would like the real me. They would think I was a freak or something. Or perhaps they already did and I wasn’t aware of it.

Comments (2) Feb 01 2008

Remember a while ago just after that flood, when I was depressed? Well, I’m starting to feel like that again. But this time I know why. It’s cause I’m really lonely, and I wish I had some friends to talk to.

I’m really low on motivation. I barely feel like running track, and running doesn’t cheer me up anymore. The only reason why I don’t skip practices is because I’m obliged to go. All I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep for a year. And this template still ticks me off. I just might revert back to the old one, because this one SUCKS.

What’s worse is that there’s nothing I can really do, because I don’t really have money to spare, and I can’t randomly go out and make friends. I’m weird when it comes to that. Not only do I have a hard time talking to people, but I need to click with someone. I can’t force myself to; I’ve tried, and it doesn’t work. And it’s just not the same. :sigh: I really wish I would stop going into these funks. They’re so damn exhausting. And it throws me off. I’ve been walking around in a daze for nearly a week. If I’m not careful I’m gonna really screw up my semester.

I need advice.

Comments (0) Jan 31 2008

I’m sorry I can’t be a better sister and wait for you to change on your own.

I’m sorry that the only thing I can do is lose my patience and pressure you to move faster, when the only thing that does is make you feel more guilty and upset.

I’m sorry that I can’t do anything to help you because I just can’t do it.

I’m sorry that I’m aware that you’re hurting, but I don’t do the right things that will make you feel better.

I really love you Kimmie, you’re my little sister, and you’re one of my best and closest friends. I hate having to watch you do this to yourself, but whenever I start helping I can’t go about it the right way. I really wish I could just wave my hand and make everything better just like that, but I can’t.Or, wave a magic wand which will give me understanding and a solution to your problem. I wish I was more patient so I could tolerate some of the things you tells me (which sometimes really scares me what you say).

I’m so sorry Kimmie, that I’ve practically failed you as a sister and as a friend.

Comments (0) Dec 02 2007

So… I performed in Ithaca Idol.

I’m never ever singing in front of someone not related to me, EVER AGAIN.

I had a feeling I should have changed the song I first picked, but I didn’t. Sure, I made it my own, but that wasn’t gonna stop the judges from comparing it to the original. I should have switched to something like “Fighter” or “Deja Vu” or even freakin’ “Irreplaceable.”

I’ve never felt so humiliated in my entire life.

So forget a public performance people, because Gina here isn’t good enough of a singer to actually do a good one.

Comments (0) Nov 07 2007