All About G

Well let’s see… the best way I can describe the past month and a half…

To put it simply, it started out very well, and then proceeded to get worse over the course of the few weeks I’ve been home.

Here, I made a graph to illustrate my point better:

… >.>

… Look, It was Microsoft Paint. At least the words are legible, damnit.

Anyway, I’ll go over what’s happened and whatnot:

Christmas was good, for the most part. We got a tree, decorated it and the house, stuffed our stockings for a change, and had a… well. I’d like to say we had a “decent” dinner, but yea. A certain someone was in a pissy mood and took it out on me. I got a gift card worth $85 to Rue 21. Kimmie did as well so that weekend we went shopping. I got a few really cute tops so that majorly satisfied me (I also got a couple of new pairs of jeans from JCP. Ahhh~ I love that store).

New Year’s probably would’ve ended better if Ricky isn’t such a stupid airheaded douchbag. I had forfeited my part of the game we were playing in because his inability to shut the fuck up pissed me off, and I went to bed promptly after. I couldn’t even get a buzz! It sucked.

Originally, my New Year’s resolution was to “buy a car by then end of the year”. It’s changed. Now it’s “get my ass down to El Paso to visit Steve.” At first glance I bet you assumed the reason why I’m going out of my way to fly down and visit is because I like him or something. Well, that isn’t all that important of a reason. He’s my best friend, and someone I can trust. That’s one reason. The other reason is, I need to get the hell away from here.

This house in which I come back to from school shelters me, and the people that have raised me continue to keep me fed, clothed, and healthy. But this house, this place that’s supposed to be my home, doesn’t feel like a home to me anymore. And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with “getting ready to leave the nest” bullcrap. Before I came back for break, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I wanted to be back with my family, back “home”. Now, there is no feeling of home to me. I can’t explain it. What I can say is that I was stuck here for a little over a month; I had no friends to go to, really. There was volleyball every Thursday, and Jess and Steph and Kas rarely. But it wasn’t the same. When I’m not here, however, I’m at school. I haven’t had a chance to get away. And I need to get away, because I don’t want to leave my family yet (although they aren’t even starting to feel like a family at this point either), and I know I’m not ready to be on my own.

This post took me a little over three hours to write. I just finished the brunt of packing. I’m going to bed.

Comments (0) Jan 24 2010

The day went by relatively uneventfully, and it was actually going smoothly. Things were looking pretty good. No one had gotten into any fights. Kimmie wasn’t as snappish as she usually is. Nat was over and we had a fun time. And the food was good. And then it just went downhill from there.

Mom accidentally broke her wine glass. It was a wedding gift from 25 years ago. Somethings happened after that, and she ended up going upstairs and crying for several minutes. It’d be hard to describe other than to say it was ironically symbolic.

I watched the scene unfurl with my own eyes, and replayed it in my mind over and over. And the only thing that I could think at the end of it was: there is no hope for salvaging this at all.

She’s doing better now. I feel rather hopeless and indifferent… numb at the moment. More than anything, my head’s been buzzing incessantly and I seem to feel rather enraged at the moment. The buzzing comes and goes whenever I get pissed off or calmed down. I kind of feel like I’m moving along the line to snapping — something that’s never happened to me before. It seems that over the years, my anger’s been building up and building up and now the only left for it to do is overflow.

But that was my Thanksgiving. I suppose that event at the very end could be called a buzz-kill. All I know is, it ruined my semi-good mood.

Comments (0) Nov 27 2009

You would think, since my 20th birthday was this past Saturday, and today is Thanksgiving (I write this 7 minutes past midnight) that I would have at least some thing to tell you guys. I mean, it’s been nearly a month (and I’m really sorry for not keeping you all posted).

My 20th birthday was spent upstairs fucking around on Kimmie’s computer, and eating birthday pie (because I can’t stand the texture of cake). Presents couldn’t be afforded (though I got a candy bar from Kas, so I guess it’s something), though I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything; after all, Mom told me to not expect anything come Christmas, a month later.

I got paid on Wednesday (yesterday, technically), and half of it went to my credit card, a shirt, and some neccesities. On Friday, I hope to get a new pair of boots, but I’m not really expecting much there either because I have approximately $40 in my account, and unless the boots I saw were discounted further, I won’t be able to afford them, though I need a new pair.

I helped Mom with baking a couple of pies just now. Two pumpkin and an apple. I think I might be helping with the turkey, but I don’t know. I suppose I ought to be feeling that ol’ holiday cheer, like I do every year, but I just don’t feel anything.

… Check that. I feel completely and totally furious because I deleted the texts I sent myself and INTENDED to fucking save. It figures. I just don’t fucking care anymore.

Hopefully I’ll be in a better mood when I wake up in the morning.

I suppose the only good new that comes out of this post is I’m a year loser to death. Whoopie. I’d wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, but it wouldn’t be coming from the heart. So I’ll try to update tomorrow after the festivities are over. I just hope I won’t be feeling so shitty by then. In the meantime, I’m going to attempt to remember that fucking text I deleted (I can’t even begin to tell you how pissed off I am about that).

Comments (1) Nov 26 2009

But I hope the rest of you enjoy/enjoyed yourselves.

Comments (1) Feb 14 2009

Hey all!

I was telling myself that I was going to update this today, and of course, I forget about it until the last minute. Quite typical of me, don’t you think? Anyway, I’m going to give you little updates on what’s been going on.

While there have been some good parts and bad parts since coming home, I think it’s safe to say, I’m quite content with the way things are. I came home, had to skip open volleyball the day I came back (just so that I give my tail bone SOME TIME to heal before I get back into the swing of things), but everyone was nice and they all said hi and we all caught up on things.

Steve Walker, you remember him, right? Yes, he’s still alive. He’s actually back in NY for a brief vacation before they ship him overseas next year (which sucks major ass if you ask me). He was so kind as to stop by to confirm his existence and remind me that yes, he’s a human being and no, he hadn’t turned into another Hologram Man that can only communicate with a cell phone and the internet (Only certain people will get this joke). He beat me up (not literally), as usual, and headed back to his house out in the middle of nowhere. It was good to see him again. Honestly it feels like ages since the last time I actually saw him. It was, what, summer after graduation… like… over a year ago? In some ways he’s changed a whole lot, but in other ways he hasn’t changed at all. Not that change is bad, but it’s good to know that he’s still the retard…. I mean, cool guy that he was back in high school

And the couple of days leading up to today were awesome. We actually got a Christmas tree; a cute little tree that fits nicely in a corner of the dining room. And I think it was from that moment — because earlier in the week Kimmie and I, with the assistance of Kasedy put up lights in the living room and it still didn’t feel quite complete, if you know what I mean — that it felt like we were gonna have a good Christmas. I mean, I can’t remember the last time we had a tree before this year, and the past couple of years we didn’t get any presents at all; we were still hurting from the flood in ‘06. And we still are hurting now. But I think those of us who worry about it were able to set it aside for at least a day so we could truly enjoy this holiday.

And for those who gave to us, and for just the way things turned out, I’m ridiculously thankful. I’ve always felt that, as a family, everyone was kind of drifting apart. The adults besides me had stopped sitting at the table with us, we never do anything that would bring everyone together, like a movie or a game night. Dad grows ever more aloof and it’s still ridiculously hard to talk to the guy. Mom suffers too, though she hides it so no one can really help her either. And Derek doesn’t really interact with us like he used to either; like Dad… and Ricky, and David, he spends approximately his whole life on the computer. Mom and Kimmie aren’t as bad, but still, the majority of their days is spent on the computer as well. And I’m usually not around, or if I’m home, there’s usually someone (namely Kasedy) with me, and we all have fun times, still… in recent years past it’s felt like we’re not really much of a family… just kinda like people living together who just so happened to be related. So I’m really glad that this Christmas was as good as it used to be. I miss those days — when everyone would talk and play with their presents with each other, and have a good old time at the table at dinner, and then just relax and enjoy each other’s company after dessert. I don’t know if this New Year’s Eve will be the same, nor do I know if next year it’ll be as good, if we can get through this financial crap, but for now, I can be thankful that at least this Christmas was a very special Christmas for me.

Happy Holidays, everyone.

Comments (1) Dec 26 2008