While I feel slightly bad for not updating this, truthfully, with all that’s happened in the past 6 months, I couldn’t bring myself to write. And I don’t really feel like writing about this now, but at least it’s slightly easier than it would’ve been if I’d tried to do this sooner.

I think I can sum up this year by calling it the worst emotional roller-coaster of my life, especially with the latter half of the year, where I very frequent bounced back and forth between despair and simply being okay and surviving (though I suppose I haven’t really been truly okay, what with everything always lingering in the back of my mind).

The night of July 7th, my father was arrested, because of what he’d done to me when I was 11, and later on to my sister when she was 13. Don’t ask why I never said anything before. This all has been extremely complicated, and I still am… well, never mind.

Mom moved into a new place. We live in the boonies now. David’s been stressed because he believes that someone’s gonna break into our house, of all places, and steal shit. We continue to remind him that we aren’t going to be robbed or murdered here, most likely. Mom wants to move into town though, so David can get a job, and so we don’t have to worry about dying whenever we drive out somewhere.

Kimmie’s… yea, never mind.

My fall semester has been shitty during the week, and alright on the weekends. Though usually the morning afters, I can’t remember, but after the memories come back to me, I can stay assured that my Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights are pretty good. And I couldn’t summarize any of them for you. Somehow, I passed my classes, most important Ex Phys. Don’t get me started on Ex Phys. I’m just glad I don’t have to friggen take it again.

I want a new car. More specifically, an SUV. My first choice would have to be a Sportage. We’ll see if THAT ever happens.

I’m pretty sure the ONLY high point of the year was my week-long trip to Cape Cod with Steve. You remember Steve, right? It was a very eventful week. And I’m definitely going to go skydiving again before the day I die, at least one more time (keyword: AT LEAST).

Beyond that, I’m just doing a good job ignoring reality, as usual. My New Years resolution, which I regret making, involves me dealing with me shit. I much rather go back to pretending it never happened. I wasn’t having as many breakdowns as I started having after shit hit the fan.

Unfortunately, I’m not feeling as positive about the new year as Mom does. I don’t really have anything to look forward to. I’m graduating, yea, okay, but then what? I want to do something with my life, but I don’t want to pursue a master’s degree, not just yet. Of course, I’m gonna need an M.S. if I want to do ANYTHING with my life. When before, I was dead set on orthopedic surgery, now I’m unsure of where to go with myself. And considering I have about 5 months, this whole being stuck at a crossroads thing kind of really sucks. But I’m feeling so lethargic and apathetic, that I really just don’t give a shit anymore. Sigh.

Anyway, enough of this bullshit emo-rant. I hope the rest of you, at least, have a prosperous and successful New Year.

For me, this year has been a roller coaster. A lot of ups and a lot of downs (feels like more downs than ups). For the sake of organization, I’ll try to order everything chronologically:

I finally grew fed up with Kasedy and her antics and abuse. I called it quits after the fight we got into back in February. You surely remember that one, right? The blog post in which I finally let it all out? Yup, that one. Kasedy, up until a week or so ago, seemed to think we were friends again. I finally told her how I felt. And funny story: she wrote back saying “yes well, at times it felt like you were using me.”

Using her for what, I REALLY don’t know, because she has nothing that I don’t already have nor do I want. But whatever. I’m done with her, this time for good.

I sustained my first ever head injury in March. And while that’s not really a good thing, I’m kind of glad I experienced it. For me, I find it’s easier to recognize and diagnose the injuries you’ve already had, so you truly know, or at least have an idea of, how it feels. Concussions, for the record, aren’t really all that fun whatsoever, so I recommend to anyone thinking about getting a concussion; Don’t do it.

Later in the spring semester, I tried to get back into soccer. Unfortunately, I have the hunch that at this point, it really is too late to have any real chance of making the team. A few times, the question of retiring soccer for good has come up, and so far I’ve successfully avoided answering that question every time.

I was given the reward of getting into a car accident by my good friend Fate for not doing as well as I could’ve with classes, probably. I occasionally think back to that and wonder how in the world we all emerged from that more or less unscathed. Since then, I’m a bit more jittery behind the wheel, and prior to driving some distance, the night before I’ll dream about getting into some horrendous accident. It makes me a bit more paranoid on the road, and I can’t tell if that’s a bad thing, because a nervous driver is almost as dangerous as a stupid one. But I’m hoping I’ll get back to being a bit more relaxed behind the wheel eventually.

The rest of summer was a bit more eventful. I did a lot more traveling than I usually do. I wrote about those happenings in an earlier post, so I’m not going to repeat myself.

This past fall semester was extremely stressful for me, both financially and academically. Somehow I still ended up with a 3.25 GPA. so I guess if I want a 4.0 I have to be pushing suicidal.

I’ve learned that I don’t always have to ask questions and try to figure things out. Sometimes, things are as they are, and I need to just appreciate what it is for what it is. I’ll enjoy things without asking questions from now on.

And, as you’ve probably heard, Mom and Dad are officially divorced. And, as every day continues to go by, I like Dad less and less. Ignoring the drama over the divorce itself, he’s become a much bigger asshole. Now, it’s always about him, and whenever SOMETHING happens, it’s NEVER his fault, it has to be SOMEONE’S fault, and it ALWAYS has to be done on purpose and in order to make HIS life difficult. His selfishness knows no boundaries. And at the rate it’s going, I’m probably going to grow fed up with him and his bullshit. Especially since no, he’s not getting better contrary to his belief; he’s gotten about ten times worse.

Moving into this year, I’m hoping things look a bit more up. It’d be nice. I’m pessimistic though, so I guess I’ll just bite my tongue and wait and see what happens.

Do I have any resolutions? Unfortunately, I haven’t thought of any. I didn’t accomplish last year’s, which kind of led me to just not declare a resolution. But if I do something big, I’ll let you all know. (I will, however, try to update this more often)

In the meantime, I’m going to go back to relaxing and recovering from last night’s antics. Let my mind zone and avoid thinking, because sometimes thinking puts me in a bad mood…

But in any event, I hope everyone partied hard last night, and that they have a prosperous and wonderful 2011. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do some writing.

So I discovered just how much of a life I really don’t have. Other than the trip to Oneonta to get the tattoo the Saturday after I returned, and the hair cut I got the Thursday before I had to come back to school, I spent all day, every day, pretty much either wandering aimlessly around the house whining about how there wasn’t anything to do, watching movies on my computer, or sitting on the couch and staring off into space. Oh, right! There were like, three afternoons in which Kimmie, Natalie, and I went to the park to have fun at the playground. And at least the weather outside was gorgeous. But still. I had no where to go, and pretty much no one to hang out with outside of my family, and Nat.

The weekend of my return to campus, Kimmie stayed at her boyfriend’s house Friday and Saturday night. She went straight to his house from school. So Friday, I spent the afternoon and evening at Nat’s house, playing Soul Caliber IV until midnight. And I spent all day Saturday watching Jackie Chan movies. It’s such a fail. And I hadn’t thought about it until I got done watching the fourth Jackie Chan movie, but I realized “holy crap, I have no life.”

Have I really stooped to that kind of level? I rag on Ricky all the time because he lives on World of Warcraft like it’s what keeps him alive every day (and seriously, his online gaming addiction is a problem. I might stage an intervention). And as I rag on him, I’m lounging around my house doing nothing? It just SCREAMS hypocrisy, and I hate it. I hate not having anything to do. And I hate not having anywhere to go. I hate how everyone I used to talk to is gone. And even the people I don’t talk to, just the people I see, they’re leaving too. It’s like Sidney’s becoming a ghost town. And it really sucks. I’m going to die of boredom, that’s for sure.

I’m hoping to get a job working at the pool over the summer. Maybe being out like that daily might help? I have no idea.

G'd Third Tat

Well anyway, besides not having anything to do, I did get my third tattoo. And I did get a haircut, but I don’t have a picture yet so you’ll never know what it looks like muhahahaha! The tat hurt more than the other two, and of course that’s not a surprise, considering this one was over my cervical spine.

Why did I get this one? Well, as you can see, it’s a scorpion. And, if you haven’t already figured out by now, I’m a Scorpio, through and through (I find that hilarious, because I was born on the very last day of Scorpio and everything too). Anyways, I hadn’t thought about getting my star sign on my own.

What happened was, originally, I was going to get this tattoo with Kasedy, who was going to get a tattoo representing her star sign, Taurus, once she turned 18. It was going to be a matching tat thing; something that best friends do. Natalie and Kimmie were going to get their star signs in the upper shoulder region as well, so we could all match.

That was the original plan. That was also determined before this happened. I decided, however, that just because I wasn’t getting it with Kasedy didn’t mean I didn’t have to get it at all. Besides that, Kimmie and Natalie were still getting theirs as well (at least, that I know of). So this tattoo is a tad more symbolic to me than just “I’m a Scorpio,” and “my sister and friend are getting matching star sign tats.” It’s also a statement. It says “Hey, Kasedy. Fuck you. I don’t need you anymore, and here’s how I’m proving it. See this here? The thing that we were going to get together? Well I got it alone. You’re not needed in my life anymore.”

Anyways, so I messed up a bit in terms of moving money about, I’m glad I got this tattoo in the end. It’s very pretty, and everyone that’s seen it likes it, so it’s good Plus I know I’ll never regret getting this tat. If I did, I’d regret being a Scorpio, and we all know THAT’S never going to happen.

So that’s the summary of my spring break. Hopefully, next year’s will be a bit better. And that’s hoping that Sidney doesn’t become a ghost town by then.

EDIT: Well, I’m quite the stupid one. And senile… Anyway, turns out, I *did* have a good pic in my computer of me with me haircut, as you now see. I had completely failed to remember that I kept the pic I sent a couple of my friends on my phone. I sent it to my email, and well, here we are now. Hope you like it!

To put it simply, it started out very well, and then proceeded to get worse over the course of the few weeks I’ve been home.

Here, I made a graph to illustrate my point better:

… >.>

… Look, It was Microsoft Paint. At least the words are legible, damnit.

Anyway, I’ll go over what’s happened and whatnot:

Christmas was good, for the most part. We got a tree, decorated it and the house, stuffed our stockings for a change, and had a… well. I’d like to say we had a “decent” dinner, but yea. A certain someone was in a pissy mood and took it out on me. I got a gift card worth $85 to Rue 21. Kimmie did as well so that weekend we went shopping. I got a few really cute tops so that majorly satisfied me (I also got a couple of new pairs of jeans from JCP. Ahhh~ I love that store).

New Year’s probably would’ve ended better if Ricky isn’t such a stupid airheaded douchbag. I had forfeited my part of the game we were playing in because his inability to shut the fuck up pissed me off, and I went to bed promptly after. I couldn’t even get a buzz! It sucked.

Originally, my New Year’s resolution was to “buy a car by then end of the year”. It’s changed. Now it’s “get my ass down to El Paso to visit Steve.” At first glance I bet you assumed the reason why I’m going out of my way to fly down and visit is because I like him or something. Well, that isn’t all that important of a reason. He’s my best friend, and someone I can trust. That’s one reason. The other reason is, I need to get the hell away from here.

This house in which I come back to from school shelters me, and the people that have raised me continue to keep me fed, clothed, and healthy. But this house, this place that’s supposed to be my home, doesn’t feel like a home to me anymore. And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with “getting ready to leave the nest” bullcrap. Before I came back for break, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I wanted to be back with my family, back “home”. Now, there is no feeling of home to me. I can’t explain it. What I can say is that I was stuck here for a little over a month; I had no friends to go to, really. There was volleyball every Thursday, and Jess and Steph and Kas rarely. But it wasn’t the same. When I’m not here, however, I’m at school. I haven’t had a chance to get away. And I need to get away, because I don’t want to leave my family yet (although they aren’t even starting to feel like a family at this point either), and I know I’m not ready to be on my own.

This post took me a little over three hours to write. I just finished the brunt of packing. I’m going to bed.

Mom accidentally broke her wine glass. It was a wedding gift from 25 years ago. Somethings happened after that, and she ended up going upstairs and crying for several minutes. It’d be hard to describe other than to say it was ironically symbolic.

I watched the scene unfurl with my own eyes, and replayed it in my mind over and over. And the only thing that I could think at the end of it was: there is no hope for salvaging this at all.

She’s doing better now. I feel rather hopeless and indifferent… numb at the moment. More than anything, my head’s been buzzing incessantly and I seem to feel rather enraged at the moment. The buzzing comes and goes whenever I get pissed off or calmed down. I kind of feel like I’m moving along the line to snapping — something that’s never happened to me before. It seems that over the years, my anger’s been building up and building up and now the only left for it to do is overflow.

But that was my Thanksgiving. I suppose that event at the very end could be called a buzz-kill. All I know is, it ruined my semi-good mood.

My 20th birthday was spent upstairs fucking around on Kimmie’s computer, and eating birthday pie (because I can’t stand the texture of cake). Presents couldn’t be afforded (though I got a candy bar from Kas, so I guess it’s something), though I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything; after all, Mom told me to not expect anything come Christmas, a month later.

I got paid on Wednesday (yesterday, technically), and half of it went to my credit card, a shirt, and some neccesities. On Friday, I hope to get a new pair of boots, but I’m not really expecting much there either because I have approximately $40 in my account, and unless the boots I saw were discounted further, I won’t be able to afford them, though I need a new pair.

I helped Mom with baking a couple of pies just now. Two pumpkin and an apple. I think I might be helping with the turkey, but I don’t know. I suppose I ought to be feeling that ol’ holiday cheer, like I do every year, but I just don’t feel anything.

… Check that. I feel completely and totally furious because I deleted the texts I sent myself and INTENDED to fucking save. It figures. I just don’t fucking care anymore.

Hopefully I’ll be in a better mood when I wake up in the morning.

I suppose the only good new that comes out of this post is I’m a year loser to death. Whoopie. I’d wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, but it wouldn’t be coming from the heart. So I’ll try to update tomorrow after the festivities are over. I just hope I won’t be feeling so shitty by then. In the meantime, I’m going to attempt to remember that fucking text I deleted (I can’t even begin to tell you how pissed off I am about that).

I was telling myself that I was going to update this today, and of course, I forget about it until the last minute. Quite typical of me, don’t you think? Anyway, I’m going to give you little updates on what’s been going on.

While there have been some good parts and bad parts since coming home, I think it’s safe to say, I’m quite content with the way things are. I came home, had to skip open volleyball the day I came back (just so that I give my tail bone SOME TIME to heal before I get back into the swing of things), but everyone was nice and they all said hi and we all caught up on things.

Steve Walker, you remember him, right? Yes, he’s still alive. He’s actually back in NY for a brief vacation before they ship him overseas next year (which sucks major ass if you ask me). He was so kind as to stop by to confirm his existence and remind me that yes, he’s a human being and no, he hadn’t turned into another Hologram Man that can only communicate with a cell phone and the internet (Only certain people will get this joke). He beat me up (not literally), as usual, and headed back to his house out in the middle of nowhere. It was good to see him again. Honestly it feels like ages since the last time I actually saw him. It was, what, summer after graduation… like… over a year ago? In some ways he’s changed a whole lot, but in other ways he hasn’t changed at all. Not that change is bad, but it’s good to know that he’s still the retard…. I mean, cool guy that he was back in high school

And the couple of days leading up to today were awesome. We actually got a Christmas tree; a cute little tree that fits nicely in a corner of the dining room. And I think it was from that moment — because earlier in the week Kimmie and I, with the assistance of Kasedy put up lights in the living room and it still didn’t feel quite complete, if you know what I mean — that it felt like we were gonna have a good Christmas. I mean, I can’t remember the last time we had a tree before this year, and the past couple of years we didn’t get any presents at all; we were still hurting from the flood in ‘06. And we still are hurting now. But I think those of us who worry about it were able to set it aside for at least a day so we could truly enjoy this holiday.

And for those who gave to us, and for just the way things turned out, I’m ridiculously thankful. I’ve always felt that, as a family, everyone was kind of drifting apart. The adults besides me had stopped sitting at the table with us, we never do anything that would bring everyone together, like a movie or a game night. Dad grows ever more aloof and it’s still ridiculously hard to talk to the guy. Mom suffers too, though she hides it so no one can really help her either. And Derek doesn’t really interact with us like he used to either; like Dad… and Ricky, and David, he spends approximately his whole life on the computer. Mom and Kimmie aren’t as bad, but still, the majority of their days is spent on the computer as well. And I’m usually not around, or if I’m home, there’s usually someone (namely Kasedy) with me, and we all have fun times, still… in recent years past it’s felt like we’re not really much of a family… just kinda like people living together who just so happened to be related. So I’m really glad that this Christmas was as good as it used to be. I miss those days — when everyone would talk and play with their presents with each other, and have a good old time at the table at dinner, and then just relax and enjoy each other’s company after dessert. I don’t know if this New Year’s Eve will be the same, nor do I know if next year it’ll be as good, if we can get through this financial crap, but for now, I can be thankful that at least this Christmas was a very special Christmas for me.

Happy Holidays, everyone.

My new years resolution for 2006? Oh I plan to lose 40 punds, I’m so overweight! LOL j/k, my resolution is to avoid people that lie and try to hurt me. I want to have a good year damnit.

And why am I decently cheerful? I’m working off of a few hours of sleep, and I’ve downed 2 1/2 fucking bottles of Smirnoffs, and a whiskey sour, and I’m not done yet fuckers!

Anyways, I love ALL OF YOU, I don’t care if you’re my friend or if I hate you. Yes, even to Andy Soroka: Happy New Years, be happy, and umm… regents are coming up

Just to let you all know what I want in general. I want alot more than hta . But I don’t want to drain your wallets TOO bad.