All About G

But before I do that, let’s get an update.

I don’t know how many of you know I use Twitter, but I do, and on it I said I was having payroll problems. Basically, I haven’t got my paycheck from last Friday, and no one knows where it is. What fun. I went down to the office about half an hour ago, and left them a message, because neither payroll coordinators were there… and I just got a phone call. They’re gonna try to sort this out. I really think any department on campus here involving money is full of retards.

On to the rant, because I need to get it off of my chest.

I think, after years of observation, especially as of late, my dad is all talk and no action. Plus he’s a spiteful jerk, but I’ll get to that later.

“What are you talking about?” you wonder.

Well, it’s kind of simple. He’ll say he really wants to do this, or he’ll promise he won’t do that. And then he’ll either not stay true to his word, or he’ll half ass it and then wonder why nothing’s working.

First example: Waaaaaaaay back, in 1998, when we first moved up here, Dad promised me “When we close on the house, I’ll work on qutting.”

We closed on the house that winter. Can anyone do the numbers and tell me how long that’s been?

For those of you who are retarded and fail at life, the answer is going on ten years. TEN YEARS, and he still chain smokes and buys at least a pack of cigarettes a day. That what, $14, being wasted on lung cancer. And he tells me, over and over and over again, “Oh, I’m working on it. I’ve cut down.” Or, “I’ll do it after this happens.” and he puts it off and he puts it off. What, Dad, do you REALLY want cancer that bad? Or do you really not care about that promise you made me. By all rights, I should go ahead and throw away any pack I see. We made a contract a couple of years ago saying that he’d work on quitting and be done by a certain date (that’s LONG GONE) and if he didn’t, I had the right to intervene and make his life miserable.

Next example: Dad tells me in one of my previous posts that he’s working slowly to fix his depression problem.

Well, that’s obviously bullshit too, because I’ve yet to see ANY changes in what you do. You still live in your office, you still eat like shit, you take horrible care of yourself, and you continue to rot your brain with anime and manga. I can’t even have an intelligent conversation with you. My proof? When we’re talking about knees and kinesiology, YOU talk about aliens. You never talk about anything like politics, or science. The only conversations we EVER get into involve the anime you’ve downloading and like and think I’d like too.

Congratulations. You’ve succeeded in making me lose all faith in you.

That’s not even that half of why I’m mad at him either… so now it’s time for my message to Dad.

Get this through your thick skull; you bitching about every little thing isn’t gonna do shit. Stop acting like everything’s on you, because it ISN’T. The rest of us are trying to take care of this in the ways that we can as well. Oh, and by the way, why do you THINK we’re in the situation we’re currently in.

When you bitch to me about how it’s all on you, it’s always on you, this and that, what am I supposed to do? Tell you it isn’t your fault? That would be a lie, because it IS. Look, I don’t know who told you this, but life isn’t a joyride and a cruise to sit back and relax on. Life’s a BITCH, and that means, instead of bitching about it like a little brat, you’re supposed to SUCK IT UP and deal with it.

Among other things, the one thing that pissed me off was your SPITEFUL UNNECESSARY COMMENT. “Sometimes can you just be a daughter.”

As opposed to what, Dad? I AM being your daughter. Get it through your head; I’M NOT YOUR LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE. I’M 18 YEARS OLD, turning 19 in just a couple of months. I’m a sophomore in college with a career goal that I’m striving for. I’M NOT 5. Of course I’m going to talk to you more like a smart adult, because I’m a SMART ADULT NOW. Mom’s accepted it, so why can’t you?

If you’re gonna bitch at me about things that were your fault, don’t expect my sympathy and an “Oh, it’s okay honey. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong.” Expect something similar (but in a much more polite manner) to “I told you a million times, life’s a BITCH. QUIT BITCHING FOR FUCKS SAKE AND PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE DEEP CREVICES OF YOUR ASS.”

But for some reason or another, no matter what we seem to talk about or what I tell you, you won’t listen. That’s another thing that pisses me off; YOU WON’T LISTEN. What do you think I am; a retard? It pisses me off even more when you don’t listen to me WHEN I KNOW MORE ABOUT SOMETHING THAN YOU. I remind you of that health thing. Or did you already forget about it.

You’ll probably apologize, AGAIN. You might already have, though that message didn’t show on Skype. Just a “Just wanted to say that I…” Of course, maybe that wasn’t an apology and you aren’t gonna apologize because I’m in “the wrong” even though all I did was state the facts. Oh, and give logical suggestions to your fucking problems that you bitch about 24/7 instead of doing anything about.

You know, at this point, I really can’t take your apology seriously, because it’s just gonna happen AGAIN. You wanna know what to do to solve everything. How about you start by ACTUALLY WORKING ON YOUR FUCKING DEPRESSION BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, IT’S GETTING IN THE FUCKING WAY OF ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!

And you can say “Oh yea? Well I’m doing this and I’m doing that!” but it’s BULLSHIT. I’m not gonna believe any of it until you PROVE IT. PROVE ME WRONG FOR ONCE DAD! Prove to me that I should have at least a little faith in you after all.

A lot of guys that I’ve met, especially those that either like me or are liked by me, are kinda retarded in the love department. I’m not saying every guy is, but a lot of them are.

Well, I wouldn’t say they’re retarded, it’s just they seem kind of bratty when it comes to relationships. And I think it all starts with the whole “men are better than women thing.” Theory time!

So it’s drilled into everyone’s heads at an early age that men are dominant, men are powerful, and men are the better sex of the two. Females are supposed to be submissive and below men. I absolutely hate that, but anyway, that’s what a lot of people think. Why else are women still not exactly treated equally as men? Because of this being drill into everyone’s head, men subconsciously think that women will immediately do whatever they want. Not exactly like that. But what I’m saying is, if a guy likes a girl, he may subconsciously feel that the girl is obligated to immediately like him back. I have three examples already lined up in my head, though I refuse to name names. However, I’m pretty sure they know who they are. If they don’t, then they’re pretty freakin retarded.

All three of them did the exact same thing: They started to like me, and they all asked me out, and I turned them all down. Afterwards, each of them have a similar yet different reaction. Two of them use their own unique methods of trying to get me to go out with them… I won’t go into detail about it. The third one didn’t seem to try and woo me, but he grew overly sensitive at every little tiny thing that I did that gave him a tiny hope of me liking him. All three of them did the same thing though: they blamed me in a sense for not liking them and going out with them like they wanted.

Well, just because someone likes me, why would that mean I have to drop everything and immediately date them? It makes no sense, especially if I don’t even like the guy that way. It would result in a disastrous relationship that would leave all parties involved feeling hurt.

I don’t really know if a guy who doesn’t like you can be considered bratty, but they can sometimes be freakin assholes. They’ll treat you like complete crap just to get you to stop liking them, at least, I’ve had a couple of experiences like that. Not all of the guys I’ve liked have done that to me, some of them are okay with me liking them, and we both ignore that and continue to be friends. Those guys I feel are actually mature.

So that’s the end of my thinking about guys and love. Unfortunately for me, I haven’t been lucky enough to win the heart of any guy that I’ve actually crushed on, and instead have been winning the hearts of people that I don’t like that way, or have even never freakin seen before. You gotta love it right? sigh It’s frustrating. But I’ll just continue to be patient, I suppose. Going out with the wrong guy just because you want a boyfriend is just not a good way to go about doing stuff like that, and I’d rather wait years to find a guy that I like who’ll like me back and just going out with any one.

So, I know I haven’t updated this with anything important in a while, and I’m sorry for it.

And so, at the risk of alienating everyone I’m going to talk about, here goes nothing.

Okay, so it goes like this: I have a friend that I’ve known for over a year. I actually started hanging out with him one day and the four of us, because there was someone else that we met too, became like, best friends.

Well, I don’t know if Casey and Ethan consider me and Jess their best friends, but I consider all three of them mine.

This past summer was freakin awesome. I had sooooo much fun with these guys. And at one point I got a crush on Casey, though he politely turned me down saying that no, he doesn’t like me that way, but he’d love to continue being friends. And of course, I loved to continue being friends too, because he knows how to have a good time without breaking the law XDDD most of the time, lol.

But I’m straying off topic. Okay, so I continue to hang out, being friends with him, and liking him, but refusing to let that get in the way of a perfectly good friendship. The four of us have made some good memories and whatnot, and at times I was confused because of things, but I brushed them away.

So, here I am, going to college and all, blah blah blah. I go home for Thanksgiving Break. So it happens that my birthday is in that same week and whatnot. So the four of us hung out on my birthday. We played Truth or Dare (damnit, you are NEVER too old to play Truth or Dare), and, sure they were dares, but me being the hopeless case that I am, once I had gone home and went to bed, my mind plagued me with thoughts and confusion. Of course, although I still think about it now, I really don’t think anything’s changed except that Ethan and Jess are friends instead of a couple, but that’s a different story. Although my mind tries to make me think otherwise, I still try to stick by me not doing anything to ruin the friendship I have with Casey. These three guys are the best, and I don’t think I’ll get any better friends than them. So for the love of everything there’s no way in hell I want to mess this up What I’ve been doing is keeping my feelings in the back of my head and focusing on our friendship, and if by some chance Casey ever starts liking me, I’ll wait for there to be proof of it before I do anything. If Casey likes me, and he’s honest and I’m positive that it’s true, then yes, I’ll be with him. If he doesn’t ever like me, that’s okay too. Sure, I’ll let my mind make up wishes and hopes, but I’m not gonna let it ruin the friendship. Love can come and go, but friendships can last forever. I don’t see best friends filing divorce papers because one cheated on the other.

But that’s off subject. So there is Casey back home, whom I like, but won’t let those feelings get in way of our friendship. Now I’m back from Thanksgiving Break, and there’s a kid (well, not really a kid, he’s 17) named Javon who messaged me on Myspace one day. After that we decided to meet up. We met up Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, and like, on Tuesday, he tells me “I think I’m falling for you.”

At first I was kinda like, I don’t know… I really didn’t know what to say. But how can someone fall for someone after only 3 days of knowing each other? And he keeps telling me how he’ll be a good boyfriend, how it’d be better if I went out with him because I’d see him more, how he really wants to be with me. I don’t think I like him the way he likes me, and I’m not even sure if he’s being honest about what he wants. Because I’ve been in a situation where someone has told me that they really liked me, and then once they got what they were really after, they just blew me off. I was so pissed off. I really don’t want to go through that again. And this kid acts more like he wants that, if you know what I’m saying. For God’s sake, he told me that when he first saw my myspace page, he was “sprung.” Um, HELLO How the hell does that mean you’re in love? When I hear “I’m sprung,” the FIRST thing the comes to mind is “Baby Got Back,” and, unless I’m absolutely retarded and crazy, that song was most certainly NOT a love song.

And I’m not saying that it’s necessarily a bad thing, but it’s just, like, well, if someone’s gonna go on and on about how they like you when all they really want is a piece of your ass, then what’s the point?

For the past few days I’ve been thinking. Because this kid seems to really want me to make up my mind, which is starting to piss me off, because I’m not gonna drop everything and jump into something without thinking of everything first, you asshole! I’ve been comparing, contrasting, looking at pros and cons. So here’s what I think.

As of right now, I know for a fact that Casey doesn’t like me in the same way that I like him, because the last time we asked, he said he didn’t, but he thinks I’m hot, in that other sense (hopefully those of you who are smart can figure out what I’m saying). And that’s perfectly fine, because he leaves such hints as that I KNOW what he wants (and it’s not like I don’t want the same, but that’s another different story). Sure some of those hints seem to get me thinking they might mean other things, but I’m going to stick with the notion that it’s love and not lust. It’s okay that he doesn’t want to go out with me, and hell, for all I know, it may be better that way.

If I had to choose between Casey and Javon, I’d be better off being single, lol, but if I got to choose who to date, I’d pick Casey. Although Javon lives here and I could see him whenever I wanted to, it would also get in the way of my studies, which are supposed to be top priority. If I were to go out with Casey, unless he drove up to visit for a weekend or something, I wouldn’t be able to see him until my breaks, when I wouldn’t have to worry about falling behind in schoolwork. However, if I dated Casey, I wouldn’t be able to see him until just then, my breaks, and I only know him as a friend, so I have no idea what he’s like as a boyfriend, and for all I know he could be a player and cheat as soon as I’m gone. For all I know, he could be the perfect guy. I’m only going on assumptions here.

Another thing is that yes, Javon, you are cute, but just because I think you’re good looking doesn’t mean I’m going to want to date you. I’ve come across many a fine looking guy on my journeys (LMFAO), but I’ve never dropped everything and fell for the guy. When I first met Casey at soccer game in my, oh I don’t know, senior pre-season (or was it junior?) of soccer, I didn’t immediately fall for him. I don’t believe in love at first sight, that’s damned impossible. I thought he was very extremely gorgeous, had a tan that was freakin better than my own (which annoyed me because he’s freakin Irish and I’m half-black for gawd’s sake!), was really good at soccer, and was really fun to be around. When I began to admire him, it was later in the school year, when he recognized me and remembered my name after 3 months of meeting me for a week and never seeing each other again. I sure as hell wasn’t expecting to ever see the kid again. He’s in Otego, I’m in Sidney. I THOUGHT we had different interests. But, he remember exactly who I was, we had a ten minute conversation before having to part ways. I would run into him every now and then, but I didn’t really hang out with him until last summer, when I got that crush on him. It was after around a year of barely knowing him, and then REALLY getting to know him in a couple of weeks that I decided I liked the kid. I think he’s really mature, we have A LOT of the same interests, not too many, and he’s so much fun to be around. That’s another thing. I have so much more fun around Casey than I do around Javon. He’s too quiet for my taste. In general Casey’s much more my type than Javon is.

Of course since I have the right to make my own decisions, for the sake of my schoolwork, I’m going to just stay single. Having a boyfriend here in Ithaca and within a walking distance would mess me up with my schoolwork, and hanging out with Javon so far has already proved this. Ever night we’ve chilled out, I’ve come home extremely late. The earliest time was 1am, the latest was 4am. That is just NOT going to do when I have schoolwork. Having a boyfriend who lives far enough away from me so that I could concentrate on my schoolwork is good for my schoolwork, but it still wouldn’t work because for all I know he could be cheating on me or something, and I’d never find out. I’m just gonna wait until the summer or something before I get a boyfriend (and it may only last just that summer, depending on where he may be)... if I get a boyfriend at all.

So, I’m sorry to whoever wants to date me at this time, unless I actually want to be with you and see that being with you will be fully beneficial, but I’m just going to be single and free for now. I’m going to wait until I’m positive that being in a relationship isn’t gonna fuck me up for a semester.

And here’s what I have to say to him…

Your lil/big sis,
Gina

Andy found me and Isaiah and promptly sat us down. We talked: catching up on each other. Then, almost as fast as we gather, we dispersed. Me and Andy made amends. Finally patching up our rocky past as friends, we said goodbye.

I really don’t know if that goodbye was final. But I know now all the answers to the questions that have been tormenting me for so long. And, to be honest, I’m relieved. I’m happy. He doesn’t hate me. I wasn’t mad at him anymore, I told him that. One thing I didn’t tell him, and that was becase I was afraid to. It was that I miss hanging out with him, and that he was alot of fun to be around. sigh Oh well. But this chapter is finally coming to a close, and another one will begin in its wake.

I can hardly wait.

Steve Walker does indeed exist. Whew! And I thought he really had disappeared off the face off the earth.

And hey! I don’t drink wine. I drink wine coolers, so ha!

And as for changing our sites, me and Mom had to change blogging software again because we were getting bombarded by spam, holy crap you don’t even know. Unfortunately, this software won’t let us make our own theme for our homepage, so we had to select per-made themes. I chose this one, so there you go.

Last night on my way to the basketball court I ran into…

STEVEN WALKER! YES FOLKS HE STILL EXISTS!

We chatted, he drove me over to the civic center real quick, all the while we were picking on each other and having a fun time. And just like that he was gone.

I should run into him on the street more often.