All About G

But before I do that, let’s get an update.

I don’t know how many of you know I use Twitter, but I do, and on it I said I was having payroll problems. Basically, I haven’t got my paycheck from last Friday, and no one knows where it is. What fun. I went down to the office about half an hour ago, and left them a message, because neither payroll coordinators were there… and I just got a phone call. They’re gonna try to sort this out. I really think any department on campus here involving money is full of retards.

On to the rant, because I need to get it off of my chest.

I think, after years of observation, especially as of late, my dad is all talk and no action. Plus he’s a spiteful jerk, but I’ll get to that later.

“What are you talking about?” you wonder.

Well, it’s kind of simple. He’ll say he really wants to do this, or he’ll promise he won’t do that. And then he’ll either not stay true to his word, or he’ll half ass it and then wonder why nothing’s working.

First example: Waaaaaaaay back, in 1998, when we first moved up here, Dad promised me “When we close on the house, I’ll work on qutting.”

We closed on the house that winter. Can anyone do the numbers and tell me how long that’s been?

For those of you who are retarded and fail at life, the answer is going on ten years. TEN YEARS, and he still chain smokes and buys at least a pack of cigarettes a day. That what, $14, being wasted on lung cancer. And he tells me, over and over and over again, “Oh, I’m working on it. I’ve cut down.” Or, “I’ll do it after this happens.” and he puts it off and he puts it off. What, Dad, do you REALLY want cancer that bad? Or do you really not care about that promise you made me. By all rights, I should go ahead and throw away any pack I see. We made a contract a couple of years ago saying that he’d work on quitting and be done by a certain date (that’s LONG GONE) and if he didn’t, I had the right to intervene and make his life miserable.

Next example: Dad tells me in one of my previous posts that he’s working slowly to fix his depression problem.

Well, that’s obviously bullshit too, because I’ve yet to see ANY changes in what you do. You still live in your office, you still eat like shit, you take horrible care of yourself, and you continue to rot your brain with anime and manga. I can’t even have an intelligent conversation with you. My proof? When we’re talking about knees and kinesiology, YOU talk about aliens. You never talk about anything like politics, or science. The only conversations we EVER get into involve the anime you’ve downloading and like and think I’d like too.

Congratulations. You’ve succeeded in making me lose all faith in you.

That’s not even that half of why I’m mad at him either… so now it’s time for my message to Dad.

Get this through your thick skull; you bitching about every little thing isn’t gonna do shit. Stop acting like everything’s on you, because it ISN’T. The rest of us are trying to take care of this in the ways that we can as well. Oh, and by the way, why do you THINK we’re in the situation we’re currently in.

When you bitch to me about how it’s all on you, it’s always on you, this and that, what am I supposed to do? Tell you it isn’t your fault? That would be a lie, because it IS. Look, I don’t know who told you this, but life isn’t a joyride and a cruise to sit back and relax on. Life’s a BITCH, and that means, instead of bitching about it like a little brat, you’re supposed to SUCK IT UP and deal with it.

Among other things, the one thing that pissed me off was your SPITEFUL UNNECESSARY COMMENT. “Sometimes can you just be a daughter.”

As opposed to what, Dad? I AM being your daughter. Get it through your head; I’M NOT YOUR LITTLE GIRL ANYMORE. I’M 18 YEARS OLD, turning 19 in just a couple of months. I’m a sophomore in college with a career goal that I’m striving for. I’M NOT 5. Of course I’m going to talk to you more like a smart adult, because I’m a SMART ADULT NOW. Mom’s accepted it, so why can’t you?

If you’re gonna bitch at me about things that were your fault, don’t expect my sympathy and an “Oh, it’s okay honey. It’s not your fault, you did nothing wrong.” Expect something similar (but in a much more polite manner) to “I told you a million times, life’s a BITCH. QUIT BITCHING FOR FUCKS SAKE AND PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE DEEP CREVICES OF YOUR ASS.”

But for some reason or another, no matter what we seem to talk about or what I tell you, you won’t listen. That’s another thing that pisses me off; YOU WON’T LISTEN. What do you think I am; a retard? It pisses me off even more when you don’t listen to me WHEN I KNOW MORE ABOUT SOMETHING THAN YOU. I remind you of that health thing. Or did you already forget about it.

You’ll probably apologize, AGAIN. You might already have, though that message didn’t show on Skype. Just a “Just wanted to say that I…” Of course, maybe that wasn’t an apology and you aren’t gonna apologize because I’m in “the wrong” even though all I did was state the facts. Oh, and give logical suggestions to your fucking problems that you bitch about 24/7 instead of doing anything about.

You know, at this point, I really can’t take your apology seriously, because it’s just gonna happen AGAIN. You wanna know what to do to solve everything. How about you start by ACTUALLY WORKING ON YOUR FUCKING DEPRESSION BECAUSE AT THIS POINT, IT’S GETTING IN THE FUCKING WAY OF ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING!

And you can say “Oh yea? Well I’m doing this and I’m doing that!” but it’s BULLSHIT. I’m not gonna believe any of it until you PROVE IT. PROVE ME WRONG FOR ONCE DAD! Prove to me that I should have at least a little faith in you after all.

Coach hates me… or something. I’ve also learned that she is kind of spiteful.

I suppose it was my fault. I didn’t realize the meet this weekend was going to be on Sunday. Until yesterday, I could have sworn it was a Saturday. So I had to let Coach know today that I couldn’t compete because I was in a dance performance.

Well, sorry for not dedicating my life to track.

Anyway, she feels that track is more important than this dance performance, even though I have to be in it. And that wasn’t even the only thing.

She freakin’ scratched me from the 100 today because I “didn’t warm up enough.”

Okay. Back in high school, I never warmed up for anything. And I get injured more here than I did back on the high school track team. And when I do warm up, it only takes me around 15-20 minutes, and since I ran in a relay previous to what was supposed to be my dash, I was already warm, so I didn’t need more than 10 minutes. Sorry Coach; you may have needed an hour, but I don’t need more than 20 minutes to warm up.

So, this is the outcome of this glorious fucking day; she’s pissed at me; she said “I was so excited about your 200 time that I was gonna take you to Penn Relays, but now I need to think about it… I need to figure our your future on the team.”

So, because I didn’t warm up because I didn’t need to, and because I have a life outside of track, I’m possibly gonna get booted off of the team? The one message that came to me throughout the whole thing was that she thinks I’m not committed enough to the team. That pisses me off more than anything in the world. What the hell is that supposed to mean?! I’ve been to as many practices as I could go to, I’ve been to every meet I was supposed to compete in. I’ve trained and tried to figure out a way to get faster, I’ve been injured and haven’t said anything about it so I could continue to do what she wanted me to do. Like, for instance, my back is painfully out. It’s been out for a few days. I still ran and jumped. Plus I jumped even after my knees started to hurt. How is that NOT committed?

Whatever. I’ll come back next fall whether she fucking likes it or not.

This is so fucking ironic; I finally get serious about something, only to get that thing possibly taken away from me.

And people wondered why I’ve always been so afraid to take a risk and get serious about something and strive to achieve a goal; because I FAIL in the end, no matter what I do.

You’ve got to be kidding me. This is bullshit. And the worst thing is, there’s nothing we can really do about it… well, we can’t do much to make the prices go lower, basically.

:ahem: Dad, you should probably start walking to Great A and that cigarette shop (how ironic). It’s beneficial on more than one account, because you’ll be saving a little money, and you’ll be able to try and work some of the tar out of your lungs. That’s what I’m definitely gonna start doing once I come back for the summer. Walking more, and driving only to places where I can’t walk to (like the mall in Oneonta for example…).

God, I really hate this. Plus I hate how no one seems to be doing anything about it either. Meaning the government? You know, “by the people, for the people”? Ha. That lasted until around the time capitalism became a hit here. Now the only thing they care about is the money. Stupid bastards.

Hopefully, if Obama gets elected, he really will change the politics here. Because the current politics are fucked up.

As if I didn’t have enough crap to deal with.

So, there’s pressure for me to take a summer class. Well… I don’t have much of a choice. It’s either take that class, or forget about my AT major, and if that was the case, I might as well drop out and reapply as a freshman AGAIN. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do this because apparently it’s harder to get aid for summer courses, and I really don’t want to take out another loan. We’re having enough money trouble as it is. And it doesn’t help that it’s about $1000 for this one course, and I may have to take the other ANP course too, which is another $1000. Really, how the hell are we supposed to pay for that??? Especially with the flood repairs that still need to be done on the house, not to mention the fact that don’t we still own IC like, $400, so I can’t go back for my sophomore year? Plus there’s the car, and then there’s medical/dental stuff that needs to get taken care of…

Which leads me to my next thing; my clavicle. For all you retards who don’t know what the clavicle is, it’s your collarbone. After searching my archives, I’ve come to the conclusion that no, I didn’t inform anyone who reads this about it. So I’ll briefly inform you. My left clavicle, about a year ago (it happened last March… early March methinks), bent for an unknown reason. At the time it was hurting, I had to have it in a sling. I was gonna get referred, but I never was… stupid doctor… anyway, over time it stopped hurting. This lasted over the summer and a good ways into this semester. Now, though, it hurts. Not badly, but it’s tender, and it gets in the way of sleeping, sometimes track, lifting, and even sometimes it’ll just start randomly hurting and I won’t even be doing anything. I could be just sitting at my desk and reading or typing and it’ll start to hurt. I’ve given up trying to figure out the cause of this, but I’ve figured out that it’s looking like the only way to fix this would be to break my clavicle and reset it that way. And of all the things… I haven’t been to the hospital for any kind of emergency my whole life. I’ve never broken a bone. And now I have to do it on purpose?! COME THE FUCK ON. Having my bone INTENTIONALLY broken is one of the LAST things I’d want to do. Well… I suppose the only plus that comes out of this is that when they do it, they’ll knock me out cold with some drugs so I won’t feel it… initially. Guaranteed that I will most certainly be feeling it when I wake up. Of course, I have no idea when this is supposed to take place, because this will probably cost money… and at the moment, money is something we don’t have. So, forget fixing my clavicle, just like I may as well forget about getting braces too.

Oh, the sneakers I brought three weeks ago? There’s a tear. You would think RUNNING SNEAKERS could handle a game on indoor soccer, but I guess not. WTF. This was a waste of $20. I have no idea if the tear will turn into a hole, I don’t know how much more I can use them before they’re completely ruined. I don’t have the money to replace them; I still have to work on getting my dance costume together for the performance in a couple of weeks. What the hell am I supposed to do? Don’t even get me started on how the soccer game went…

And I don’t have the stuff needed to turn in for club soccer. I still owe them a pic, my signature, and $50. I have only one out of three of those things. :sigh: wtf… I don’t know. I really don’t.

I’m just tired of being here. I’m tired of all the work I have to put in. I’m tired of everything and I just want to come home, back to my comfortable bed, and the good/healthy food that I can actually eat. I want to play soccer or v-ball or anything with my friends Casey and Jess and Ethan. I want to kill demons of Nazis with my sister and whoever else wants to join us. But more than anything I just want to be home.

So this weekend wasn’t the best visit home I’ve ever had… I could probably say as of now it’s the worst visit home I’ve ever had. Mainly today was the worst.

Simply put, I got into another fight with my dad. This time I wasn’t even trying to be spiteful. I was trying to get a point across… obviously it didn’t work, and his issues got in the way… again. So he pissed me off… again. He was being a spiteful little bitch… again. I don’t particularly care that he thinks the last comment I told him was an insult; it was actually another point. But since HE’S a spiteful, immature little fucking brat, it doesn’t matter anymore because of the fucking shit he said.

Now I’m just so tired of it. I’m sick of it. I’m tired of his spiteful little comments that almost always hurts me to the point of tears (though this time around I’ve more or less kept the suppressed). I’m sick of him acting like the victim all the time and trying to get my sympathy especially at the times when some of the problems are his fault. I’m tired of him feeling like whenever I try to point out a fault for him to think about, I’m attacking him. And I hate it when he attacks me back just because he’s wrong and he knows it. I’m so very tired of his shit. So I’m done. I don’t need this extra stress and hurt in my life. I give up. I can’t even try to maintain this diminishing relationship with this crap, with him being a complete asshole.

Ever since he became depressed, this relationship all has been going to shit. And I can’t do anything about it, so I give up. I can’t try and give him tips to try changing his horrific lifestyle habits and make him feel better and get healthier, so I’ll let him slowly kill him self. I can’t talk to him and give him things to think about and improve, so I’ll forget about having those kinds of intelligent conversations at all, and let him assume that absolutely everyone’s fucking after him and that he’s forced to do everything when it really isn’t that way at all. I can’t interact with him while he’s in this state, so I’ll wait and hope he’ll get better, even though it looks like he probably won’t. I can’t pull him out of his own fucked up little world and let him take a look at reality, so I’ll let him live and suffer in his own world. I can’t try and help him and give him hope, so I’ll give up on him just like he’s seemed to have given up on him self.

I don’t want to have much, if anything at all, to do with him until he gets his fucking head straightened out. Let him come to my games and meets and whatever he wants to if he really wants to see me. It’s appreciated. But until he’s back to the dad that I can actually deal with without getting upset every other fucking time I talk to him, I just can’t be that close to him.

Maybe this may actually inspire him to get his head out of his fucking ass and do something with him self. But I kind of doubt it, because Dad never seemed to be the type of person to try and fix things, regardless of the negative consequences afterwards… at least until he didn’t have a choice. THEN he would try to fix it, after major amounts of damaged had been done.

And Dad, eventually you may say sorry about this little episode too. You’ll say something like “I wasn’t thinking when I said that,” or, “I was angry so I just didn’t care if what I said was hurting your feelings,” or even, “I didn’t mean any of that.” Of course, I may be wrong and you’re just going to assume this was all my fault and are waiting for me to apologize. But I’m not gonna, because I didn’t really do anything wrong. I wasn’t the one being spiteful and immature, and I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings, now was I, hm? I was trying to bring up a fucking point. Besides that, I’m not going to believe you’re sorry anymore, because this happens EVERY FUCKING TIME. Nothing’s changed; nothing ever changes, and nothing ever will change. We’ll fight, again, you’ll apologize for hurting my feelings, again, and then you’ll do it a few weeks or a couple of months later… again. If you’re really sorry, prove it.

After all, actions speak louder than words.

Boys are bratty with relationships because they’re FUCKING RETARDED.

At least, that’s what it feels like to me. I have a huge chunk of money that I’ll probably be paying all the way up into my 40’s or something, much like my parents are both doing at this time, much like how they’re also paying off the cost of our house. The college that I’m attending to is kind of expensive. Okay, it’s REALLY expensive. Actually, it’s about $40,000 a year, and since I’m trying to get into either a 6-year or 7-year program in the school that I’ve been accepted to, the total cost of me doing all of this will range from around $240,000 to somewhere around $280,000.

I find this completely ridiculous. I could buy several brand-new cars with this money. I could even afford a nice house, and most likely still have money over (because the average cost of a house is somewhere around $160,000… right?) to live quite nicely. I personally think I was one of the more lucky ones. Not many students can even afford attending their first choice of college. Although I can’t really say that we can afford it at all. It’s kind of hard to admit, but to be extremely honest, we’re really broke. I’m almost positive that it wouldn’t be this bad if it weren’t for the fact that we were hit by a flood about a year ago. And it’s not like our mortgage company helped us with that… they didn’t even seem to care. Having this amazingly expensive cost on top of everything else just isn’t working.

Why is college education so expensive anyway? Is it really because it’s private? And another thing, why is it getting more expensive as time goes on? Nobody seems to be able to see this, but as the cost of everything goes up, the number of people who are actually able to PAY for it go down. Doesn’t anyone see a pattern? But it still doesn’t answer my question.

I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to pay off my debts when I get out of college. I’m using I think three different loans through Ithaca College, and at the moment they don’t seem like much ($2,000-something or other about), but that stuff builds up, especially over several years. College wasn’t this expensive 20 years ago was it? And what is causing it’s to go up? Inflation? Just why would inflation affect getting an education. It’s education, you know, the pursuit of knowledge. Not some other means of leeching money off of people who are trying to make something with themselves. Why would we even be setting a price for education in the first place? I thought knowledge was more or less free. In order to learn things that you want to learn in order to get the life career of your choice, you have to pay up to $50,000 a year, sometimes even more, just so you can get it? Can anyone else how messed up this is?

The pursuit of knowledge shouldn’t even cost anything at all. But since this is a capitalist nation, it appears to be inevitable. So how about this: Lower the price of attending college, and use more taxpayers dollars and government funding. If the government would actually get its act together and pull out of Iraq and cut other ridiculous spending, this would actually work. The government should be more focused on taking care of the people in this nation instead of taking care of people on the other side of the world. And, since everyone seems to be all hyped up over getting as much education as you possibly can, why not make it easier to do so? I consider myself a smart, even brilliant young woman. I’m positive that there are other equally intelligent people, some even smarter than I, who can’t even get into a college because their family can’t afford to send them there. The way everything is set up at this very moment, you need to be rich in order to stay rich. Don’t get what I mean? In order for you to live a good life without flipping burgers for a living, you need to already has a good chunk of money to spend you to college in the first place.

So, I feel that the best way to solve this problem would be to lower the costs of colleges to a slightly more reasonable price. Taxes don’t necessarily need to go up in order to accommodate for this, but the government needs top cut out any unnecessary budget spending they’re doing, and put more of it’s funding into colleges, scholarships, and grants that students can use in order to help pay for tuition. In this country, money shouldn’t come first. Education, and knowledge should instead.