All About G

(insert stupid fucking audio that’s being a bitch and won’t let me fucking upload it properly here)

Yea. I went there.

I love you Kimmie~

Comments (0) Feb 03 2010

Well let’s see… the best way I can describe the past month and a half…

To put it simply, it started out very well, and then proceeded to get worse over the course of the few weeks I’ve been home.

Here, I made a graph to illustrate my point better:

… >.>

… Look, It was Microsoft Paint. At least the words are legible, damnit.

Anyway, I’ll go over what’s happened and whatnot:

Christmas was good, for the most part. We got a tree, decorated it and the house, stuffed our stockings for a change, and had a… well. I’d like to say we had a “decent” dinner, but yea. A certain someone was in a pissy mood and took it out on me. I got a gift card worth $85 to Rue 21. Kimmie did as well so that weekend we went shopping. I got a few really cute tops so that majorly satisfied me (I also got a couple of new pairs of jeans from JCP. Ahhh~ I love that store).

New Year’s probably would’ve ended better if Ricky isn’t such a stupid airheaded douchbag. I had forfeited my part of the game we were playing in because his inability to shut the fuck up pissed me off, and I went to bed promptly after. I couldn’t even get a buzz! It sucked.

Originally, my New Year’s resolution was to “buy a car by then end of the year”. It’s changed. Now it’s “get my ass down to El Paso to visit Steve.” At first glance I bet you assumed the reason why I’m going out of my way to fly down and visit is because I like him or something. Well, that isn’t all that important of a reason. He’s my best friend, and someone I can trust. That’s one reason. The other reason is, I need to get the hell away from here.

This house in which I come back to from school shelters me, and the people that have raised me continue to keep me fed, clothed, and healthy. But this house, this place that’s supposed to be my home, doesn’t feel like a home to me anymore. And no, it has absolutely nothing to do with “getting ready to leave the nest” bullcrap. Before I came back for break, I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I wanted to be back with my family, back “home”. Now, there is no feeling of home to me. I can’t explain it. What I can say is that I was stuck here for a little over a month; I had no friends to go to, really. There was volleyball every Thursday, and Jess and Steph and Kas rarely. But it wasn’t the same. When I’m not here, however, I’m at school. I haven’t had a chance to get away. And I need to get away, because I don’t want to leave my family yet (although they aren’t even starting to feel like a family at this point either), and I know I’m not ready to be on my own.

This post took me a little over three hours to write. I just finished the brunt of packing. I’m going to bed.

Comments (0) Jan 24 2010

My Christmas list is here. I suggest that if you’re going to buy an item from that list, that you make sure it’s ordered from highest priority to lowest. Because there’s actually a few things I need, surprisingly enough. Anyways, If you can’t afford any of the higher-priority items, then I suppose sending me a wad of cash works too, and I can go from there :3

Ah, right. I’m a size 4 dress size, size 7 jeans, S-M shirt size, and shoe size 8.5-9. (I should probably note the sizes in the wish list…).

And think of it this way; if you’re the one getting these things, I won’t need to get them. And then, I can turn my funds towards other, more important things (though the dress and boots in the top three is SPECIFICALLY for a performance, and if it weren’t for the fact that I’m supposed to be in full costume when I audition in February for a show in April, I’d be buying them myself, later… and the bathing suit is for my Lifeguarding course in the spring…). But anyways I’ll update later. I should go psyche myself up to fail… I mean, take and pass the two exams tomorrow >.>

Comments (0) Dec 13 2009

You would think, since my 20th birthday was this past Saturday, and today is Thanksgiving (I write this 7 minutes past midnight) that I would have at least some thing to tell you guys. I mean, it’s been nearly a month (and I’m really sorry for not keeping you all posted).

My 20th birthday was spent upstairs fucking around on Kimmie’s computer, and eating birthday pie (because I can’t stand the texture of cake). Presents couldn’t be afforded (though I got a candy bar from Kas, so I guess it’s something), though I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything; after all, Mom told me to not expect anything come Christmas, a month later.

I got paid on Wednesday (yesterday, technically), and half of it went to my credit card, a shirt, and some neccesities. On Friday, I hope to get a new pair of boots, but I’m not really expecting much there either because I have approximately $40 in my account, and unless the boots I saw were discounted further, I won’t be able to afford them, though I need a new pair.

I helped Mom with baking a couple of pies just now. Two pumpkin and an apple. I think I might be helping with the turkey, but I don’t know. I suppose I ought to be feeling that ol’ holiday cheer, like I do every year, but I just don’t feel anything.

… Check that. I feel completely and totally furious because I deleted the texts I sent myself and INTENDED to fucking save. It figures. I just don’t fucking care anymore.

Hopefully I’ll be in a better mood when I wake up in the morning.

I suppose the only good new that comes out of this post is I’m a year loser to death. Whoopie. I’d wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, but it wouldn’t be coming from the heart. So I’ll try to update tomorrow after the festivities are over. I just hope I won’t be feeling so shitty by then. In the meantime, I’m going to attempt to remember that fucking text I deleted (I can’t even begin to tell you how pissed off I am about that).

Comments (1) Nov 26 2009

Here the whole damn time.

I just haven’t been able to get myself to do much of anything. Gotta love those crippling issues.

Anyway, I’m officially on the prowl for a therapist. Yea, I thought I was gonna be the only mentally healthy child of the Baker clan, but I’m suffering from a rather bad bout of depression, not to mention some crap I have to deal with to boot.

It’s not just the high school crap I went through that has been bothering me, I think. That’s a part of it for sure; ever since that Andy!drama back in high school, I can’t get myself to trust new people, even if they are very obviously trustworthy. Infant didn’t help much, Dale kind of didn’t either. It seems Dale only wants to hang out when he expects me to screw him. And so, I haven’t hung out with him in months. But there are some really cool people whom I talk to; like Alyce and Amanda, and Gabby and Kelly. But I can’t really open up like I’d want to. So they’re pseudo-friends as opposed to actual friends. I mean, how can two people be friends if one can’t trust the other? It’s the fundamental backbone of friendship — trust.

The second thing is issues with the family. At the moment, I’m currently not sure if I can divulge, so I won’t, but I guess the best way to put it is this family doesn’t feel like a family, and I suppose any hope of saving that is pretty much gone. We all live together, yes, but there’s no real connection. It just feels like we’re a bunch of people under the same roof, who just to happen to be related to each other. Well, minus Derek, but yea.

The holidays aren’t the same anymore. The only time we actually resemble a loving family would have to be Thanksgiving, and even then, the majority of the day is spent with the men room in their respective rooms on their computers, and Mom cooking Thanksgiving dinner, with the occasional assistance of Kimmie and I (though I plan to help her A LOT more come this year’s turkey day). Natalie is going to be spending her Thanksgiving with us — it’ll be her first ever REAL Thanksgiving meal, the poor child — so maybe it’ll make things a little more fun, but who’s to say?

Christmas might be a little better if they existed in our household. Ever since, oh, I don’t know… when I was 15 or 16, we stopped being able to afford Christmases. For Christ’s sake, we couldn’t even get a tree. Last year we were able to, and that’s only because I was paying for it out of my pocket. It was present to the fam. I might do it again this year because it’s just so depressing without one. The presents last year weren’t from the family; it was a special giveaway thing from Kimmie’s school. So I have the feeling that this year, there will be no tree (unless I get one), there will be no decorating (because I can never seem to get people to help me with decorating around the house — it’s like if there isn’t a tree, then they don’t even care), probably no presents from the parents, I don’t know if I’ll be able to afford presents for the parents, and, as usual, no real family together time.

It’s insanely heartbreaking to watch this happen that way it has. I think that’s the major part of this whole thing. When Millie died, it just triggered the depression, but I have a lot of stuff to get out.

Now if only I could just find an actual therapist.

I haven’t heard any good things about the counselors at the Health center, and well, I wasn’t expecting much, considering one doctor was convinced my once-fractured and still-dislocated coccyx was a cyst (I got x-rays, even though it’s dangerous for my baby making parts, just for the sake of PROVING I WAS RIGHT), and that another doctor thought my deformed clavicle was an overuse injury caused by playing volleyball once a week (turns out there WAS a hairline fracture, like I suspected way back when I first had it, as opposed to a plastic deformation. Hairline fracture makes more sense too). My Personal Essay professor, who frustrates the hell out of me at times, recommended one Susan Compton, who just so happens to not take my GHI insurance. Wonderful. But she told me she’d reach out to colleagues to find someone for me and get back to me. I’m supposed to be expecting a phone call from her today, so *crosses fingers* hope for the best.

… Well that was a lot of depressing stuff. Um, I suppose the only good I can think of is that I’m generally passing my classes, save for one, maybe 2. Though I think in biomechanics I have a C, and I can probably get that up.

Oh, If you haven’t yet, go read the Judgment Day post and review; comments are still open!

Comments (2) Oct 27 2009