THANK YOU! I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who thinks this!
A friend of mine once asked me, after I told them about me being bi-racial, what do I identify with; blacks or whites? I told her; I don’t identify with either. I’m Gina before I’m anything else. She had replied to that with; you realize that everyone else will look at you and automatically say you’re black. To that, I said; well that’s because they’re stupid and can only think in categories.
I don’t understand why people see me as a certain thing, or why they expect me to identify with a certain race. Why do I have to identify with anything? Even though I’m bi-racial, if I identify with whites, will that make me a white person? If I identify with blacks, does that make me a black person? Why can’t I just be me? Gina Baker is who you should be looking at, not the color of my skin. I’m not just white, or just black, or just anything. I’m made up of many different genes from many different places and races that traveled through generations and generations until creating the person that is physically me. But that shouldn’t be something to judge me with. You learn about my personality, intellect, and opinions before you even begin to come to any conclusions about me. Things that should actually matter when deciding whether or not I’m worthy or being your friend, not my fucking skin color!
Race/color shouldn’t define who a person is, nor should anyone else define that person. That person them self should define who they are. There is no real logical reason to be taking everyone and separating them into categories; blacks, whites, Asians, etc. We’re all human. Shouldn’t that be what counts?
So, who am I? I’m Regina Ann “Gina” Baker, who lived in the city but now in the country; a freshman in college who’s a little young amongst her peers because she was homeschooled and advanced further than her peers (I’m “supposed” to be a senior in high school now) and still finds it a little hard to fit in really well; a young adult who is still afraid of truly growing up and being on her own; A daughter and sister who loves to sing and dance and spend time with her family; a caring friend who is willing to do anything for her friends; someone who finds it hard to say no, but is willing to do just that and stand up for her self when everyone has turned their backs on her; and simply a girl who is living and loving life, who appreciates what she has even though there are things she wants and still doesn’t understand, who is fascinated by the world around her and is always curious and striving to learn more, who is blessed with what gifts she’s been given, and will eventually be ready to show her self off to the rest of the world.
There is lots of drama here. Well, at least in my dorm. The only difference is I’m not unwillingly thrust into it, because I choose to be anti-social, more or less. I wouldn’t say I have any kind of “Drama” here, but there are people here that piss me off on a daily basis. Well… just one person, and I wouldn’t say she pisses me off. Cara frustrates me because of how she never seems to listen or even acknowledge my opinion and acts like she’s right no matter what anyone else says and she knows all. I’m probably over-exaggerating, but that’s what it feels like to me.
Anyway, you’re probably wondering where this is coming from. I really shouldn’t, but every now and then, my room mate Jackie will be in our room chatting with one of her friends about something that’s happening like rumors or a fight or whatnot. I don’t listen in too much, so I only pick up bits and pieces. And it made me think this particular day.
Why is there drama here in college? I thought people were gonna be a lot more mature now. Maybe it’s because we’re freshman and just out of Dramaville a.k.a. high school and we’re not used to being adults. Perhaps we just can’t stay away from it, I don’t know. I would think that drama gets in the way of more important things, like studies. I have no idea. All I know is, I believe I have had way more than my share of drama during my sophomore-junior year, and even into my senior year. And I’d rather avoid drama here. Which is one of the few reasons why I think I’m going to try and get a single next year. That way I can leave people alone and they can leave me alone. It’ll be hard and all, and who knows? Perhaps there are already rumors going around about me and how weird I am :sigh:. It’ll be lonely, but at least I won’t have to deal with anymore pointless crap. Or, at least, the chances will be lower.
At least, that’s what it feels like to me. I have a huge chunk of money that I’ll probably be paying all the way up into my 40’s or something, much like my parents are both doing at this time, much like how they’re also paying off the cost of our house. The college that I’m attending to is kind of expensive. Okay, it’s REALLY expensive. Actually, it’s about $40,000 a year, and since I’m trying to get into either a 6-year or 7-year program in the school that I’ve been accepted to, the total cost of me doing all of this will range from around $240,000 to somewhere around $280,000.
I find this completely ridiculous. I could buy several brand-new cars with this money. I could even afford a nice house, and most likely still have money over (because the average cost of a house is somewhere around $160,000… right?) to live quite nicely. I personally think I was one of the more lucky ones. Not many students can even afford attending their first choice of college. Although I can’t really say that we can afford it at all. It’s kind of hard to admit, but to be extremely honest, we’re really broke. I’m almost positive that it wouldn’t be this bad if it weren’t for the fact that we were hit by a flood about a year ago. And it’s not like our mortgage company helped us with that… they didn’t even seem to care. Having this amazingly expensive cost on top of everything else just isn’t working.
Why is college education so expensive anyway? Is it really because it’s private? And another thing, why is it getting more expensive as time goes on? Nobody seems to be able to see this, but as the cost of everything goes up, the number of people who are actually able to PAY for it go down. Doesn’t anyone see a pattern? But it still doesn’t answer my question.
I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to pay off my debts when I get out of college. I’m using I think three different loans through Ithaca College, and at the moment they don’t seem like much ($2,000-something or other about), but that stuff builds up, especially over several years. College wasn’t this expensive 20 years ago was it? And what is causing it’s to go up? Inflation? Just why would inflation affect getting an education. It’s education, you know, the pursuit of knowledge. Not some other means of leeching money off of people who are trying to make something with themselves. Why would we even be setting a price for education in the first place? I thought knowledge was more or less free. In order to learn things that you want to learn in order to get the life career of your choice, you have to pay up to $50,000 a year, sometimes even more, just so you can get it? Can anyone else how messed up this is?
The pursuit of knowledge shouldn’t even cost anything at all. But since this is a capitalist nation, it appears to be inevitable. So how about this: Lower the price of attending college, and use more taxpayers dollars and government funding. If the government would actually get its act together and pull out of Iraq and cut other ridiculous spending, this would actually work. The government should be more focused on taking care of the people in this nation instead of taking care of people on the other side of the world. And, since everyone seems to be all hyped up over getting as much education as you possibly can, why not make it easier to do so? I consider myself a smart, even brilliant young woman. I’m positive that there are other equally intelligent people, some even smarter than I, who can’t even get into a college because their family can’t afford to send them there. The way everything is set up at this very moment, you need to be rich in order to stay rich. Don’t get what I mean? In order for you to live a good life without flipping burgers for a living, you need to already has a good chunk of money to spend you to college in the first place.
So, I feel that the best way to solve this problem would be to lower the costs of colleges to a slightly more reasonable price. Taxes don’t necessarily need to go up in order to accommodate for this, but the government needs top cut out any unnecessary budget spending they’re doing, and put more of it’s funding into colleges, scholarships, and grants that students can use in order to help pay for tuition. In this country, money shouldn’t come first. Education, and knowledge should instead.
So, here I am. Not too long from now after I turn this computer off, I’m going to be packing my stuff into the trunk and leaving for Ithaca. At the moment, I’m kinda really scared, but hopefully I’ll settle in fine, like Brian told me he did. Plus, I’m kinda hungry, which means I should go eat, but that can wait.
It’s kinda hard to believe that I’m actually going off to college. It’s kinda hard to believe that I’m turning 18, and that I’ve come this far. I don’t think my life was exceptionally amazing. It was mediocre, with some problems at home and with friends, but it was expected.
Sure there maybe problems htat I have, or had, in my life, but I’m the way I am because of it. If there was something I could go back and change, it would be eating more tomoatoes last night because they’re freakin delicious.
I’ve made many mistakes, and I’ve learned many lessons. And, well what do you know, I still have, like, 60-70 years to keep going. And geez, I thought 17 years was long as it was.
Looking back on it all, I’m glad things turned out the way they did. The episodes with Eva, Andy, and the most recent one with Kasedy, and my friends, like Jess, Casey, Ethan and Anthony, helped me grow and mature, and they taught me valuable things and gave me many memories to hold onto as I move on. I hope that I’ll get to keep them as friends, and I hope I get to make new ones. I hope that I get to find a guy who I’ll be able to stay with for the rest of my life. I hope that I’ll be successful and prosperous and that I will have many happy days. But most of all, Ihope that I’ll continue to have as much love in my life as I do now. I’m so glad that everone around me is supporting me with what I do. I hope that while I’m gone, the support won’t ever lessen. And I hope you all will be thinking of me, just like I’ll be thinking of you.
I love you Mom and Dad, for being there for me whenever I needed it. There have always be arguements, but if we never fought then something would be wrong. I love you Kimmie for becoming one of my best friends. I hope that I won’t end up wanting the Mangekyo Sharigan (running gag between me and her), you “foolish little sister.” I love my brothers, and although I don’t really spend alot of time with either, I’ll miss them both. Derek, even though you’re always pissing me off to no end, I’ll miss you too and I love you too
Jessica, you have become one of my best friends. You’re really someone I can talk to about anything, and I know that I can trust you. I hope you’ll think of me, and don’t forget me, and I’ll be thinking of you. Tell Ethan I said hi Ethan, Casey, and Anthony, you three are the best. I only just got to really know you three right before I leave, and it sucks that I won’t be seeing you till around my birthday. But I’ll be thinking of you guys and all the good times. And, yes, I’ll go to a couple of parties for your sakes
Everyone else, I love you all. Thank you so much for being in my life, because I’m sure my life would be very dull if you weren’t in it.
Sometimes, you just don’t realize how important something is to you until you’re in danger of losing it, or if you’ve lost it forever.
Sometimes, I feel this way. Sometimes, I wonder what would happen to me if something like that really happened. What would I do if I lost someone precious to me? What would happen, what would I do, if I lost my best friend, my sister, my mother? Alot of things come to mind. But I’ve been lucky: I haven’t lost all that much at all. I’ve never really truely suffered, not like my friends. I guess you could say I’m pretty well off.
I wish I could say the same for Francis. And, although I didn’t directly lose her, I stil know at least a little bit of what she’s feeling right now.
I just found out. Yesterday, Francis’ mom died. She had been battling cancer for several years now. If I recall it was either lung cancer, breast cancer, or both (though if I recall, it was lung cancer). The other day she was emitted into the hospital because she was having problems with her intestines, her bowels, something. Francis was telling me this and how her mom’s body seemed swollen. I tried to reassure her. “I’m pretty sure the swellen will go down,” and “Maybe your mom’s just really constipated, that’s all. She’s really strong, I’m sure she’ll pull through this.”
It wasn’t until Francis told me that her friend’s dad was emitted into the hospital a while back for the same reasons, only to die. And the reason? Lung cancer.
I heard her words, and I tried to reassure her again. “Your mom has been strong in the past, she’ll fight this too, I’m positive.” But deep down, my heart already knew. Gale wasn’t going to stay here much longer. And I really didn’t want her to go. I thought highly of that woman. She reminded me of my own mom. Laid back, but took enough care of her kids to more or less keep them out of trouble (except Jimmy, who always was in trouble). She was good natured, funny, and someone I liked to hang around with. When I visited, me and Francis would sit and chill with her mom and just chat.
Yesterday, in chorus, I noticed Francis wasn’t there. My stomach did flip flops and I had a really bad feeling, like something bad was about to happen. Today, around fourth period, I didn’t see Francis come out of the classroom where I alway met her. She wasn’t in school. My heart dropped. These weren’t good signs, and I just had a feeling that it had happened.
Apparently, she had died at around 4pm. They unhooked her from the respirator later that afternoon. I had found out only about half an hour ago. Kasedy informed me, and I was shocked. But, I already knew. And my heart sunk even more.
And I realized. My parents won’t last forever either. In fact, they won’t live as long as they could. They both have been smoking for well over half thier lives, and what if they develop cancer too? What would I do then? I would kill myself if anything happened to my mom or my dad. My family means to world to me. And if I feel that way about them, then I can imagine how Francis feels. But I couldn’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through.
I need to find her. I have to find her today. I have to go to her and help her as best as I can. Kasedy and I will go see her tomorrow too. She needs us now more than ever. I only she doesn’t hurt herself. Because, even though she and her mom argued and fought alot, I know for a fact that Francis loves her with all her heart. I know because of the way she was acting these past couple of months when Gale started having problems. But I need to go to her and help her. It’s the only thing I can do right now. And it’s these kinds of things where I feel so helpless and wish I could do more, so much more, to help. But, I’m only human, and I’ll just have to help her as best as I can. And I hope that others who are her friends will help her too, because I can only do so much.
I’m sorry Francis. I wish your mom didn’t have to suffer the way she did before she died. But at least she’ll no longer feel pain. And don’t forget, she’ll always be with you, always
I wonder if Steve still hates trees? And I wonder if Andy still almost dies?
Yea, questions like these are coming up while I’m reminiscing in my wasted couple years of complete stupiditiy and immaturity. It’s gotten me thinking about plenty of things, like the decisons I’ve made and where’s it’s brought me.
Looking back on it all, and seeing how far I’ve come, along with everyone else I know, it’s pretty amazing. Sixteen years, a junior getting ready to become a senior… soon I’ll be thinking of prom, college tours, trips, and graduation, when it seems like it was only yesterday when I was going through the big move (from downstate to up here), only yesterday when I began developing interests in boys other that the myth that they all have “cooties.” I’ve been through so much joy, so much pain. But, whether it be good or bad, it all contributes to my learning what to expect and prepare for. Sometimes, the pain may be almost overwhelming, like you’ve seen in previous entries (anger, depression is when I am hurt). Some things are over, like that episode with Andy, that’s over. Some things are only just starting, like my relationship with my father, and what that will become of it (we’ve been fighting more latley, and slowly, a barrier is beginning to thicken between us). Though these experiences I’d rather not want to deal with, they help me develop courage, passion, and strength, my rare courage and strength (from here, the last three paragraphs), which I sometimes doubt, my passion which I sometimes do not understand.
It won’t be long from now when I’ll be wearing the gown, throwing my cap into the air with my classmates, screaming with joy and clutching my diploma close to my heart. Sometimes I can imagine that moment: it will almost be magical.
But what about after high school? I have plans: I want to go to either Ithaca or Syracuse and major Athletic Training and/or Physical Education with a minor in coaching. Will I be able to get into Ithaca (1st choice) without too much trouble? Am I’m smart enough? Am I good enough? Will I have the money? And why am I worrying about these things now when I still have a year and change left. It’s funny that I’m fretting so much when I still have alot of time left before I really do have to be an adult and going out ito the harsh world more or less alone.
I still find it amazing, me, my friends, everyone: we’ve all grown up and come what seems like so far in this life journey or our own. But I know that we all still have quite a ways to go. We’ve still got our goals and dreams to try and accomplish, and our plans for what we do afterwards. We still have to look foward to the true coming of age, which comes at different times for everyone. We still have to wait for the years after college, when we must truely grow up and be adult, deciding what exactly to do with our life. We still have to deal with our mid-life crisis, and I know for a fact that that’s a LONG way ahead.
Ahead… looking foward. Seeing what’s in the present and the future. Not dwelling on the past…
I think that’s something I should start doing. There’s nothing I can do to change the past, though I wish I could. I’m pretty sure everyone does. There are things, people, friendships from before, some not too long ago, some from when I was little, places I know I will probably never see r experience again. Those things I will miss with all my being, but there isn’t anything I can do now to bring them back. I can, however, keep them with me in my heart and mind forever (or at least however long my memory lasts). There are dreams and fantasies I have which I will keep. There’s the love I recieve from my family (most of the time) and friends which I’ll never forget, especially the love and support I got from those closest to me, like Mom, and like Kasedy. Those people I will never forget.
Right now at this very moment, I’m crying. I don’t know what for. My heart feels… I don’t know… amazingly full… overflowing even. I feel full of warmth. I feel safe and protected. I think… I think I feel happy. I’ve grown up so much from the little girl I used to be. I’ve done some bad things, and made some major mistakes, but I’ve also learned. I’ve become wise in my experiences, and I’ve discovered everything I can about myself, thing that nobody would probably ever know, or ever will find out. I feel like… almost like a flower, blooming in full, colors glowing with everything that is me. And to think, I’m not even halfway done with this life of mine. What will I do, once I’m set out into this world? When will I know my purpose, and will I perform it as best as I can?
I think about these things and more. What will happen when I die? Will I just come back again, reincarnated as another person? Will I have the gifts I have now? Will I move on to an afterlife? What will that be like? Will it be like Heaven? Will it bee like Hell? Will it be my dreams and fantasies come true? Or will I be cast into a black void?
What am I looking foward to?
Experience. Wisdom. Purpose. Answers. Knowledge. Courage, and strength. Life here and beyond. Fulfilling my duty here, then finally resting in peace.
Eternity.
These things, I will look ahead for. And I will embrace them with open arms.
Okay, lemme just say that yea, that article is right. On Myspace I have an accout, and I have come across so many spaces with stuff you wouldn’t see on the street. Yes there are teens that expose themselves on their spaces, I used to, I admit it. Yes there are racist assholes on their spaces who bring down blacks and asians and latinas. But then there are some who don’t and hate racism with a passion. Yes, there are many teens, if not all of them, who like to go out a drink and/or smoke a bowl. I do too, though I don’t smoke weed. Yes there are old perverts trying to get a young piece of ass, but I’m pretty sure that there are adults on that site who just want to meet new people too. People gotta get it through their heads that with the good things, also come the bad things.
And I defintely know about teens being very open on thier blogs. I’m one of them. I swear and I talk about things that really happen in my day. Sometimes I talk about someone who pissed me off, or someone who’s made my day. I do swear and cuss out people individually. Who haven’t I cussed out yet? Not many people.
Why do I do it? Why does this blog seem like a totally different version of me compared to sweet innocent Gina? Because, this blog is me. It’s who I am. It’s what happens to me and it’s how I feel about things, and frankly I don’t give a flying fuck whether this makes me look innocent or bad-ass. This is my blog. This is my, and my life and what I think about it. The person in school that you know as Gina Baker: that is me too, but the difference between the person that is me in school and the person tat is me on this blog is the fact that I’m well-behaved in school: I try not to sweat too much in school, I try not to get into any fights, I’m basically a “good lil girl” in school. Unlike school however, I can scream and shout and rant and rave and take out all my frustrations on this blog. I can dream and imagine and cheer myself up on my blog. I can be happy, mad, sad, anything on my blog. And nobody can stop me from doing it casue it’s my blog and me, and if they stop me from being me on my blog, then they stop me from being me in everything else.
I can safely say this is probably the main reason why you all read so many posts in which I bitch someone out (you know one of them very well I’ll assume): because I can’t do it in public, and I vent on this blog. Actually, this blog has almost gotten me into trouble with some “higher” authorities, but that didn’t stop me from expressing myself, whether I was happy or mad. God, just because a certain someone feels threatened ever time they piss me off doesn’t mean I’m purposely harassing them… deep breath okay gotta let that go, nothing I can do in the future to change the past.
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In every way I’m very glad my mother introduced me to blogging. Sure this is basically a diary, an many of this stuff I should keep in a diary. But this is ME, and I want everyone to know this. I want people learn about me and my life, what I do, how I feel, so they can stop with their stupid rumors (ahem ahem) against me. No, I’m not a psychopathic bitch who is endangering the life of an innocent boy (ahem ahem), but I am a young woman with a temper that I vent when someone, even the innocent boy, sets me off. Who wouldn’t? Unless you’re one of those people who just kick the guy’s ass if he pissed you off… then you don’t count. But I’m talking about the other, more civilized people that have better ways of venting anger.
I’m pretty sure everyone has a diary of some sorts, no matter what gender, race, age, etc, that they keep to themselves.
But sometimes, I like to think that I’m the only one brave enough to throw mine out into the public for the whole entire world to see. And, as I’ve said before, any has a problem with what I can say, they can fucking bite me.
