In my Personal Essay class, we’re working on our second paper, on fear. Part of this includes going to people we know and discussing it with them.

So what is fear? How does the media use fear? Are humans naturally fearful — is being afraid in our genes — or are we conditioned by society to be fearful? Where does it come from? How do we overcome it? And why are we afraid to face it?

A couple of questions/prompts he gave us to help with the though processes: Are you afraid of terrorism? Also, would you like to carry around a gun?

This is my initial input (though you can expect me to comment responses and whatnot to ya). There are two different kinds of fear. There’s the natural survival instinct that causes us to fear things that threaten our lives. The second kind of fear develops in response to a traumatic event. Like, for example, I’m afraid of trusting new people because of what happened back in high school. Things like that. Can it be overcome? It can, but it’s very hard to do. Facing something you fear is obviously not a pleasant thing to do.

Now, am I afraid of terrorism? Not particularly, but it pisses me off. Look, U.S., people hate us and are trying to kill us. Did you all ever stop to think WHY? Maybe we could DO SOMETHING about it, instead of trying to kill them in response.

Would I carry a gun? Nope. And I could care less. The NRA, according to my professor, has the notion, or something, that “the ONLY way to feel safe is to have a gun.”

So… NRA… My feeling safe more or less my entire life has been a delusion because I’m not armed? Um, here, I have a better question for ya; uh, are ya fucking stupid?

But anyway, that’s my two cents for now. Let’s make this an INTELLIGENT DISCUSSION please, for fuck’s sake. Aliens are irrelevant. Plus, this is for a class, damnit. I wouldn’t be making this blog post in the first place otherwise.

Well, where do I start, besides the painfully obvious? The name’s Regina Ann Baker, better known as Gina, G, Shorty, G Bakes, and several hundred other nicknames that I can’t remember and don’t feel like listing anyway. Born in the Methodist Hospital in Brooklyn, NY, 10:02am, November 21st, 1989. Weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz., 21 cm long (because that actually matters in life for some stupid reason). I’m an arrogant, confident, bitchy nice girl with no self-esteem whatsoever. A procrastinating perfectionist (ironically; I’m a woman of many contradictions), and I’m surprised I haven’t given myself a stroke because it’s really that bad. I have a tendency to over-think things and I’m too serious for my health. I’m not all bad parts, I suppose. I have quite the sense of humor, and while I’ve never been tested for it, I’ve been told that I might be gifted in a few of the seven (or is it eight now?) intelligences. Plus I’m ridiculously musical and a sports freak; how much better can you get?

One of the biggest contributors to my new-found confidence and just a healthier self-image was going to college. And I don’t even know what it was about it that matured me. Perhaps it was having to take care of myself, more or less with out the help of my mom or dad; maybe it was the fact that after I started going to college, the relationship between my Dad and I started to deteriorate more. Maybe it was the realization that I really wasn’t such a loser, that I was just as smart and capable as the next guy, some times more so, and that I was competent enough to lead an independent life. Starting my third year here, I think I can safely say that I’m glad I managed to get myself here, even though I have the extra year here and then basically the rest of my life in med school. Hopefully in the end it will all be worth it.

Peter, I don’t care if you think my opinions are warped and insane. I don’t really care if you’re right and I’m wrong. What I do care about is when you call me stupid. Regardless of what my tweets earlier did to have an affect upon your opinion of my smarts, I’ll tell you right now, I’m far from stupid. And I particularly don’t appreciate you calling me that.

Twitter is awesome for talking about simple things, but you can’t have a real discussion on it, especially when you have a lot to say. 140 characters just doesn’t do it. So I’ll write down here what I was trying to say there. Read it, don’t read it. Change your mind about my opinion, or don’t, whatever. But, honestly, even though I don’t even know who you are, it hurt when you called me stupid.

This is what I think; this world is fucked over. Our nation is fucked. It has been for years. This recession isn’t the start of it, nor is it the ending. And we have, more or less, been digging this grave for ourselves for a great deal of time. It’s because the people that lead us are a pack of retards and the majority of people in this country are retarded. The way big corporations were, and still are, being retarded with their money, and the way the government kept turning what seemed like a permanent blind eye, the economy was doomed to fuck up. I look at it, and this all reminds me of the Gilded Age back in the early 1900’s, when corporations had the government more or less wrapped around their fingers. Nowadays, the gov’t cares about the big businesses, they don’t want to do anything that would hinder the big businesses, and they ignore us, let alone the small businesses and micro businesses. And even though it was clear that the corporations, and Wall st., needed regulation, the gov’t kept saying “lasseiz faire, lasseiz faire,” like they thought what they did a century ago would actually work this time around.

Of course, we all know how it ended at the end of the Roaring Twenties, with a depression that so far has yet to be beat. Until maybe now.

Now everyone’s saying “Oh, we need to regulate this and regulate that, and we’ll make sure that this never happens again.” It’s more than that, though. The higher ups need to acknowledge small businesses and how they play a major role in the economy. That’s what I was trying to say before when I said that they’re thinking is old-fashioned. Times are changing, things are changing, and in order to keep up with this change, we need to adapt our thoughts, and up until now (unless Obama indeed turns out to be full of shit like you say he is) no one has done that.

Concerning the New World Order… Our country, and pretty much every other country in the world, relies on everyone else to get by. A lot of our economy relies on the economies of the countries we do business with, essentially. Interdependence and all that; how countries depend on other countries. We’re more or less globalized to a tee. So, if the economies of other countries starts going down the shitter, and if the global economy in general is going down the shitter, then logically our economy will go down the shitter too. And unless we cut off all ties from the rest of the world and go back to our Pre-World War I, pre-internationalistic ways, I highly doubt that we’ll be able to make a comeback here on the homefront without doing something to repair the global economy.

The G20 conference may have seemed like a meet and greet and/or a waste of time, but for a long time, the United States has been more or less the world leader. And, well, looking back at what Bush put us through, and how things started fucking up, and especially considering how interdependent we are presently, I sort of feel like a balancing of powers was inevitable. China, Britain, etc, are becoming superpowers… actually it’s more like they’re superpowers already. And they more or less had to deal with whatever we did when we wanted to do it. The Iraq War (the biggest waste of time ever) was just one example of it. With the way Obama approached this conference, and promoted this NWO, everyone’s on the same level, and yea, they’re all trying to fix the “failed capitalism” and whatnot, but in a more broad sense, it’s better to have the countries collaborating than having one country boss the others around. That would eventually blow up in our face, I’m sure. That’s what I was trying to say when I meant that the NWO might not be such a bad thing.

And yes, I agree that our system of capitalism is retarded. But, it’s not capitalism as a whole that’s failed. We can still keep using it if we just cut out the pieces that are tripping us constantly.

I personally think that the real problem is credit. You give your debt to someone else in exchange for some more debt from some other person. It’s almost like we’re not even using money to buy things anymore; we’re using debt. The higher ups want us to keep borrowing and borrowing, and seriously, that’s the most stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Borrowing? Why not use real money that we actually have. Because of everyone’s hyperactive borrowing, the economy for the longest time looked like it was going stellar (though in reality, out wallets were showing otherwise). And then the borrowing and debt caught up with us all, and look at were we are now. You want to eliminate this whole damn problem? Eliminate credit. Let’s make it so that we pay with our OWN money, that we KNOW we have, instead of paying with essentially nothing. (This was another thing I was talking about with the old-fashioned thinking; that the gov’t wants us to use credit, even though it blew up in our faces in the late 1920’s, and it’s obviously doing it again now).

That may have looked like rambling, and since I suck at transitions, it might as well be rambling, but this is the gist of what I wanted to say on Twitter. See what I meant when I said it’s hard to have a really good discussion? Sometimes, I have a lot to say — this happened to be one of those times.

You can still think my opinions are completely irrelevant to reality. And you can still be right about all of this. You may or may not read this post, and you may or may not comment and whatnot. But I wanted to just make something clear; I’m not a stupid person. Please don’t call me stupid. I don’t really appreciate being humiliated for trying to voice my opinion.

If these walls could talk, what would they say?
If students learn what they do, what are they learning sitting here? The Info is up here… follow along…

… on the benefits of the chalkboard… to be continued…

Anyway, this video carries a message. And honestly, I had the hardest time trying to figure it out. I’m still not sure if I’m right either. But watch it and comment, giving an opinion if you have one.

THANK YOU! I’m so glad that I’m not the only one who thinks this!

A friend of mine once asked me, after I told them about me being bi-racial, what do I identify with; blacks or whites? I told her; I don’t identify with either. I’m Gina before I’m anything else. She had replied to that with; you realize that everyone else will look at you and automatically say you’re black. To that, I said; well that’s because they’re stupid and can only think in categories.

I don’t understand why people see me as a certain thing, or why they expect me to identify with a certain race. Why do I have to identify with anything? Even though I’m bi-racial, if I identify with whites, will that make me a white person? If I identify with blacks, does that make me a black person? Why can’t I just be me? Gina Baker is who you should be looking at, not the color of my skin. I’m not just white, or just black, or just anything. I’m made up of many different genes from many different places and races that traveled through generations and generations until creating the person that is physically me. But that shouldn’t be something to judge me with. You learn about my personality, intellect, and opinions before you even begin to come to any conclusions about me. Things that should actually matter when deciding whether or not I’m worthy or being your friend, not my fucking skin color!

Race/color shouldn’t define who a person is, nor should anyone else define that person. That person them self should define who they are. There is no real logical reason to be taking everyone and separating them into categories; blacks, whites, Asians, etc. We’re all human. Shouldn’t that be what counts?

So, who am I? I’m Regina Ann “Gina” Baker, who lived in the city but now in the country; a freshman in college who’s a little young amongst her peers because she was homeschooled and advanced further than her peers (I’m “supposed” to be a senior in high school now) and still finds it a little hard to fit in really well; a young adult who is still afraid of truly growing up and being on her own; A daughter and sister who loves to sing and dance and spend time with her family; a caring friend who is willing to do anything for her friends; someone who finds it hard to say no, but is willing to do just that and stand up for her self when everyone has turned their backs on her; and simply a girl who is living and loving life, who appreciates what she has even though there are things she wants and still doesn’t understand, who is fascinated by the world around her and is always curious and striving to learn more, who is blessed with what gifts she’s been given, and will eventually be ready to show her self off to the rest of the world.

Anyway, you’re probably wondering where this is coming from. I really shouldn’t, but every now and then, my room mate Jackie will be in our room chatting with one of her friends about something that’s happening like rumors or a fight or whatnot. I don’t listen in too much, so I only pick up bits and pieces. And it made me think this particular day.

Why is there drama here in college? I thought people were gonna be a lot more mature now. Maybe it’s because we’re freshman and just out of Dramaville a.k.a. high school and we’re not used to being adults. Perhaps we just can’t stay away from it, I don’t know. I would think that drama gets in the way of more important things, like studies. I have no idea. All I know is, I believe I have had way more than my share of drama during my sophomore-junior year, and even into my senior year. And I’d rather avoid drama here. Which is one of the few reasons why I think I’m going to try and get a single next year. That way I can leave people alone and they can leave me alone. It’ll be hard and all, and who knows? Perhaps there are already rumors going around about me and how weird I am :sigh:. It’ll be lonely, but at least I won’t have to deal with anymore pointless crap. Or, at least, the chances will be lower.

I find this completely ridiculous. I could buy several brand-new cars with this money. I could even afford a nice house, and most likely still have money over (because the average cost of a house is somewhere around $160,000… right?) to live quite nicely. I personally think I was one of the more lucky ones. Not many students can even afford attending their first choice of college. Although I can’t really say that we can afford it at all. It’s kind of hard to admit, but to be extremely honest, we’re really broke. I’m almost positive that it wouldn’t be this bad if it weren’t for the fact that we were hit by a flood about a year ago. And it’s not like our mortgage company helped us with that… they didn’t even seem to care. Having this amazingly expensive cost on top of everything else just isn’t working.

Why is college education so expensive anyway? Is it really because it’s private? And another thing, why is it getting more expensive as time goes on? Nobody seems to be able to see this, but as the cost of everything goes up, the number of people who are actually able to PAY for it go down. Doesn’t anyone see a pattern? But it still doesn’t answer my question.

I don’t even know how I’m going to be able to pay off my debts when I get out of college. I’m using I think three different loans through Ithaca College, and at the moment they don’t seem like much ($2,000-something or other about), but that stuff builds up, especially over several years. College wasn’t this expensive 20 years ago was it? And what is causing it’s to go up? Inflation? Just why would inflation affect getting an education. It’s education, you know, the pursuit of knowledge. Not some other means of leeching money off of people who are trying to make something with themselves. Why would we even be setting a price for education in the first place? I thought knowledge was more or less free. In order to learn things that you want to learn in order to get the life career of your choice, you have to pay up to $50,000 a year, sometimes even more, just so you can get it? Can anyone else how messed up this is?

The pursuit of knowledge shouldn’t even cost anything at all. But since this is a capitalist nation, it appears to be inevitable. So how about this: Lower the price of attending college, and use more taxpayers dollars and government funding. If the government would actually get its act together and pull out of Iraq and cut other ridiculous spending, this would actually work. The government should be more focused on taking care of the people in this nation instead of taking care of people on the other side of the world. And, since everyone seems to be all hyped up over getting as much education as you possibly can, why not make it easier to do so? I consider myself a smart, even brilliant young woman. I’m positive that there are other equally intelligent people, some even smarter than I, who can’t even get into a college because their family can’t afford to send them there. The way everything is set up at this very moment, you need to be rich in order to stay rich. Don’t get what I mean? In order for you to live a good life without flipping burgers for a living, you need to already has a good chunk of money to spend you to college in the first place.

So, I feel that the best way to solve this problem would be to lower the costs of colleges to a slightly more reasonable price. Taxes don’t necessarily need to go up in order to accommodate for this, but the government needs top cut out any unnecessary budget spending they’re doing, and put more of it’s funding into colleges, scholarships, and grants that students can use in order to help pay for tuition. In this country, money shouldn’t come first. Education, and knowledge should instead.

It’s kinda hard to believe that I’m actually going off to college. It’s kinda hard to believe that I’m turning 18, and that I’ve come this far. I don’t think my life was exceptionally amazing. It was mediocre, with some problems at home and with friends, but it was expected.

Sure there maybe problems htat I have, or had, in my life, but I’m the way I am because of it. If there was something I could go back and change, it would be eating more tomoatoes last night because they’re freakin delicious.

I’ve made many mistakes, and I’ve learned many lessons. And, well what do you know, I still have, like, 60-70 years to keep going. And geez, I thought 17 years was long as it was.

Looking back on it all, I’m glad things turned out the way they did. The episodes with Eva, Andy, and the most recent one with Kasedy, and my friends, like Jess, Casey, Ethan and Anthony,  helped me grow and mature, and they taught me valuable things and gave me many memories to hold onto as I move on.  I hope that I’ll get to keep them as friends, and I hope I get to make new ones. I hope that I get to find a guy who I’ll be able to stay with for the rest of my life. I hope that I’ll be successful and prosperous and that I will have many happy days. But most of all, Ihope that I’ll continue to have as much love in my life as I do now. I’m so glad that everone around me is supporting me with what I do. I hope that while I’m gone, the support won’t ever lessen. And I hope you all will be thinking of me, just like I’ll be thinking of you.

I love you Mom and Dad, for being there for me whenever I needed it. There have always be arguements, but if we never fought then something would be wrong. I love you Kimmie for becoming one of my best friends. I hope that I won’t end up wanting the Mangekyo Sharigan (running gag between me and her), you “foolish little sister.”  I love my brothers, and although I don’t really spend alot of time with either, I’ll miss them both. Derek, even though you’re always pissing me off to no end, I’ll miss you too and I love you too

Jessica, you have become one of my best friends. You’re really someone I can talk to about anything, and I know that I can trust you. I hope you’ll think of me, and don’t forget me, and I’ll be thinking of you. Tell Ethan I said hi Ethan, Casey, and Anthony, you three are the best. I only just got to really know you three right before I leave, and it sucks that I won’t be seeing you till around my birthday. But I’ll be thinking of you guys and all the good times. And, yes, I’ll go to a couple of parties for your sakes

Everyone else, I love you all. Thank you so much for being in my life, because I’m sure my life would be very dull if you weren’t in it.

I’ll be thinking of you all.

Sometimes, I feel this way. Sometimes, I wonder what would happen to me if something like that really happened. What would I do if I lost someone precious to me? What would happen, what would I do, if I lost my best friend, my sister, my mother? Alot of things come to mind. But I’ve been lucky: I haven’t lost all that much at all. I’ve never really truely suffered, not like my friends. I guess you could say I’m pretty well off.

I wish I could say the same for Francis. And, although I didn’t directly lose her, I stil know at least a little bit of what she’s feeling right now.

I just found out. Yesterday, Francis’ mom died. She had been battling cancer for several years now. If I recall it was either lung cancer, breast cancer, or both (though if I recall, it was lung cancer). The other day she was emitted into the hospital because she was having problems with her intestines, her bowels, something. Francis was telling me this and how her mom’s body seemed swollen. I tried to reassure her. “I’m pretty sure the swellen will go down,” and “Maybe your mom’s just really constipated, that’s all. She’s really strong, I’m sure she’ll pull through this.”

It wasn’t until Francis told me that her friend’s dad was emitted into the hospital a while back for the same reasons, only to die. And the reason? Lung cancer.

I heard her words, and I tried to reassure her again. “Your mom has been strong in the past, she’ll fight this too, I’m positive.” But deep down, my heart already knew. Gale wasn’t going to stay here much longer. And I really didn’t want her to go. I thought highly of that woman. She reminded me of my own mom. Laid back, but took enough care of her kids to more or less keep them out of trouble (except Jimmy, who always was in trouble). She was good natured, funny, and someone I liked to hang around with. When I visited, me and Francis would sit and chill with her mom and just chat.

Yesterday, in chorus, I noticed Francis wasn’t there. My stomach did flip flops and I had a really bad feeling, like something bad was about to happen. Today, around fourth period, I didn’t see Francis come out of the classroom where I alway met her. She wasn’t in school. My heart dropped. These weren’t good signs, and I just had a feeling that it had happened.

Apparently, she had died at around 4pm. They unhooked her from the respirator later that afternoon. I had found out only about half an hour ago. Kasedy informed me, and I was shocked. But, I already knew. And my heart sunk even more.

And I realized. My parents won’t last forever either. In fact, they won’t live as long as they could. They both have been smoking for well over half thier lives, and what if they develop cancer too? What would I do then? I would kill myself if anything happened to my mom or my dad. My family means to world to me. And if I feel that way about them, then I can imagine how Francis feels. But I couldn’t even begin to imagine what she’s going through.

I need to find her. I have to find her today. I have to go to her and help her as best as I can. Kasedy and I will go see her tomorrow too. She needs us now more than ever. I only she doesn’t hurt herself. Because, even though she and her mom argued and fought alot, I know for a fact that Francis loves her with all her heart. I know because of the way she was acting these past couple of months when Gale started having problems. But I need to go to her and help her. It’s the only thing I can do right now. And it’s these kinds of things where I feel so helpless and wish I could do more, so much more, to help. But, I’m only human, and I’ll just have to help her as best as I can. And I hope that others who are her friends will help her too, because I can only do so much.

I’m sorry Francis. I wish your mom didn’t have to suffer the way she did before she died. But at least she’ll no longer feel pain. And don’t forget, she’ll always be with you, always

Yea, questions like these are coming up while I’m reminiscing in my wasted couple years of complete stupiditiy and immaturity. It’s gotten me thinking about plenty of things, like the decisons I’ve made and where’s it’s brought me.

Looking back on it all, and seeing how far I’ve come, along with everyone else I know, it’s pretty amazing. Sixteen years, a junior getting ready to become a senior… soon I’ll be thinking of prom, college tours, trips, and graduation, when it seems like it was only yesterday when I was going through the big move (from downstate to up here), only yesterday when I began developing interests in boys other that the myth that they all have “cooties.” I’ve been through so much joy, so much pain. But, whether it be good or bad, it all contributes to my learning what to expect and prepare for. Sometimes, the pain may be almost overwhelming, like you’ve seen in previous entries (anger, depression is when I am hurt). Some things are over, like that episode with Andy, that’s over. Some things are only just starting, like my relationship with my father, and what that will become of it (we’ve been fighting more latley, and slowly, a barrier is beginning to thicken between us). Though these experiences I’d rather not want to deal with, they help me develop courage, passion, and strength, my rare courage and strength (from here, the last three paragraphs), which I sometimes doubt, my passion which I sometimes do not understand.

It won’t be long from now when I’ll be wearing the gown, throwing my cap into the air with my classmates, screaming with joy and clutching my diploma close to my heart. Sometimes I can imagine that moment: it will almost be magical.

But what about after high school? I have plans: I want to go to either Ithaca or Syracuse and major Athletic Training and/or Physical Education with a minor in coaching. Will I be able to get into Ithaca (1st choice) without too much trouble? Am I’m smart enough? Am I good enough? Will I have the money? And why am I worrying about these things now when I still have a year and change left. It’s funny that I’m fretting so much when I still have alot of time left before I really do have to be an adult and going out ito the harsh world more or less alone.

I still find it amazing, me, my friends, everyone: we’ve all grown up and come what seems like so far in this life journey or our own. But I know that we all still have quite a ways to go. We’ve still got our goals and dreams to try and accomplish, and our plans for what we do afterwards. We still have to look foward to the true coming of age, which comes at different times for everyone. We still have to wait for the years after college, when we must truely grow up and be adult, deciding what exactly to do with our life. We still have to deal with our mid-life crisis, and I know for a fact that that’s a LONG way ahead.

Ahead… looking foward. Seeing what’s in the present and the future. Not dwelling on the past…

I think that’s something I should start doing. There’s nothing I can do to change the past, though I wish I could. I’m pretty sure everyone does. There are things, people, friendships from before, some not too long ago, some from when I was little, places I know I will probably never see r experience again. Those things I will miss with all my being, but there isn’t anything I can do now to bring them back. I can, however, keep them with me in my heart and mind forever (or at least however long my memory lasts). There are dreams and fantasies I have which I will keep. There’s the love I recieve from my family (most of the time) and friends which I’ll never forget, especially the love and support I got from those closest to me, like Mom, and like Kasedy. Those people I will never forget.

Right now at this very moment, I’m crying. I don’t know what for. My heart feels… I don’t know… amazingly full… overflowing even. I feel full of warmth. I feel safe and protected. I think… I think I feel happy. I’ve grown up so much from the little girl I used to be. I’ve done some bad things, and made some major mistakes, but I’ve also learned. I’ve become wise in my experiences, and I’ve discovered everything I can about myself, thing that nobody would probably ever know, or ever will find out. I feel like… almost like a flower, blooming in full, colors glowing with everything that is me. And to think, I’m not even halfway done with this life of mine. What will I do, once I’m set out into this world? When will I know my purpose, and will I perform it as best as I can?

I think about these things and more. What will happen when I die? Will I just come back again, reincarnated as another person? Will I have the gifts I have now? Will I move on to an afterlife? What will that be like? Will it be like Heaven? Will it bee like Hell? Will it be my dreams and fantasies come true? Or will I be cast into a black void?

What am I looking foward to?

Experience. Wisdom. Purpose. Answers. Knowledge. Courage, and strength. Life here and beyond. Fulfilling my duty here, then finally resting in peace.

Eternity.

These things, I will look ahead for. And I will embrace them with open arms.