All About G

I’m having an issue with my current living situation. No, it’s not my room mates or any kind of drama of that sort. I simply can’t afford to live in a Garden apartment, without a meal plan, and having to pay weekly grocery bills.

Here’s an example; I owe one of my room mates, Sam, $15, I owe another room mate, Leah, $32 (though I swear I already paid her back but wtf ever, I don’t even care anymore. And technically I only “owe her” $27 because of the $5 she owes me for the cleaning shit I bought). I have a phone bill to pay, $85, and once that’s all said and done, I will have gone from having $150 to having less than $50 in my checking account. I once had $500 to spare, and with it I’ve bought only things I needed, i.e. food, and some personal items for myself like a couple of pairs of much needed jeans and khakis, books, and rain-boots. I only used not even $75 of what I had for what I wanted, basically the piercings I got last week, a set of ear phones so I could listen to my Ipod, the mid-size $15 purse, and an eyebrow waxing. Everything else, and I mean everything else, has gone to food and paying back my room mates for the weekly groceries. I can’t get the other ear piercings I want, I can’t go out to the movies and really enjoy myself, I can’t buy the green dress I found and wanted to wear for my birthday this year (my 21st nonetheless). As it is, that road trip to DC I promised my sister isn’t happening, and this trip to Rochester with sister and Nat in tow I may be able to pull off via the skin on my teeth.

I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t afford these grocery bills and pay-backs, and it’s funny because I actually try to avoid eating the groceries for fear of eating more than my fair share. Mind you, I haven’t actually sat down with my room-mates and talked to them about this, and I probably won’t until I know it’s for certain, but I think I’m going to move out and back into a single room in a dorm, with a meal plan, so my income won’t disappear like it’s been. If I was living in the single I was in last year, I’d still have something like $300-400 left in my bank account. And NO I wouldn’t lose my mind over it. I had a plan for the things I absolutely want; that I’d spread out the spending over months instead of weeks. But I can’t exactly spread out paying my room mates back, now can I?

So I emailed Housing, and hopefully they’ll get back to me soon. Once I get a definite, I’ll talk to the roomies. In the meantime, I’m just going to try and avoid letting this stress kill me going into midterms. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I’m probably not gonna do a really good job on my tests this week. Awesome. This fucking sucks.

Comments (1) Oct 10 2010

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I hate a lot of things. I’m not sure if you’d know it or not. Maybe you could tell. Who knows.

I hate it when my little brother talks and talks and talks in an attempt to try and impress me, but in reality, he’s bragging about nothing important.

I hate it when my sister is a complete bitch to our brothers even when they didn’t do anything wrong. I hate it when she takes her anger against her dad and takes it out on them. I hate how, when I bring this up to her, she snarls at me instead of trying to change her behavior.

I hate how Dad thinks that, now that Derek’s been kicked out, our family is back to normal, and how he’s oblivious to the fact that that’s not the case. I hate how he continuously treats me like I’m an incompetent 12-year-old. I hate how, when something happens, Dad’s quick to blame everyone else, but will never take the blame himself. I hate how he’s always acting like my sister and brothers as purposefully doing things to make his life miserable.

I hated how Kasedy used to expect me to do everything for her without asking anything in return. I hated how she wouldn’t allow me to get mad at her, and blame me if it happened.

I hated how Eva, out of spite one day, ruined any chance I had at being with a crush I had back in the 8th grade, just because she “didn’t like me much at the time.”

I hated how Andy manipulated everyone into thinking I was the bad guy in every situation, just because I didn’t want to go out with him.

Most of all, I hate myself for being too cowardly to say these things aloud.

I hate how, no matter what I do, I still look like I should be Kimmie’s age. I hate that I have to put a ton of effort into my looks. I hate how I’ll break down into hysterical fits and burst into tears if I don’t understand a concept in math or science. I hate it when I always think that there’s nothing that can be done when I know that if I stopped to think about it, I’d find a solution. I hate how, when I was still in high school, I always stuck by the friends I had, even if some of those friends treated me awful, because I thought I wasn’t worthy of being anyone else’s friend. I hate how I can’t talk to new people very well because I feel like they won’t like me.

But more than anything, I hate how I still don’t trust the people who I’m supposed to trust. I hate the fact that my insecurities lead me to assume that if anything is done by anybody, it’s because they don’t like me. I hate how I can’t even trust my best friend enough to take his word to heart. I hate how I didn’t even realize this myself until last night.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get past the past?! There was betrayal, but I thought I’ve moved on. I’ve had my share of bad friends, but he hasn’t done a thing to date that said to me he was a bad friend. And yet, I still assumed! I always assume like this! And it’s on of the things I hate the most! Because it’s precisely what Dad does, and I HATE IT!! At the rate I’ve been going, my friends didn’t hate me before, but they will in time. I’m awful. And I don’t know what to do.

It’s killing me, because I know what I did hurt him. I keep telling myself I won’t turn out like Dad, and HERE I AM DOING EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES!!! And I did the one thing that pushes my buttons. It’s the one reason why I get into fights with Dad nearly all the time. Because he blames someone, or he assumes they’re doing something to him when they’re NOT. AND I’M DOING THE EXACT SAME THING. I can’t even think anything other than I’m just like him, and I have the same qualities that Dad has; the qualities that led me to nearly despise him. I’m a pathetic, horrible person. And I don’t know what to do.

I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. You have every right to be furious with me. I know I deserve it.

Sorry.

Comments (2) Jun 28 2010

It’s time for a discussion post!

In my Personal Essay class, we’re working on our second paper, on fear. Part of this includes going to people we know and discussing it with them.

So what is fear? How does the media use fear? Are humans naturally fearful — is being afraid in our genes — or are we conditioned by society to be fearful? Where does it come from? How do we overcome it? And why are we afraid to face it?

A couple of questions/prompts he gave us to help with the though processes: Are you afraid of terrorism? Also, would you like to carry around a gun?

This is my initial input (though you can expect me to comment responses and whatnot to ya). There are two different kinds of fear. There’s the natural survival instinct that causes us to fear things that threaten our lives. The second kind of fear develops in response to a traumatic event. Like, for example, I’m afraid of trusting new people because of what happened back in high school. Things like that. Can it be overcome? It can, but it’s very hard to do. Facing something you fear is obviously not a pleasant thing to do.

Now, am I afraid of terrorism? Not particularly, but it pisses me off. Look, U.S., people hate us and are trying to kill us. Did you all ever stop to think WHY? Maybe we could DO SOMETHING about it, instead of trying to kill them in response.

Would I carry a gun? Nope. And I could care less. The NRA, according to my professor, has the notion, or something, that “the ONLY way to feel safe is to have a gun.”

So… NRA… My feeling safe more or less my entire life has been a delusion because I’m not armed? Um, here, I have a better question for ya; uh, are ya fucking stupid?

But anyway, that’s my two cents for now. Let’s make this an INTELLIGENT DISCUSSION please, for fuck’s sake. Aliens are irrelevant. Plus, this is for a class, damnit. I wouldn’t be making this blog post in the first place otherwise.

Comments (4) Sep 29 2009