Anyway, we turned in our fear papers in class today, and we’ve started a new topic, love. So, in order to get materials for this next paper (though I think I know what I’m gonna write about), let’s have a REAL discussion, please. I’m begging you here.

So, love. What is it? When you say “I love you”, what do you really mean? And if you can elaborate or go into detail, I’m most certainly not stopping you.

When I say “I love you”, what I’m really saying is “You are very important to me, and I generally accept you for who you are.” Generally is a key word in there.

I think in order for you to love somebody, before you can love them, you have to already be aware of their flaws (all of them), and you have to accept them before you can even consider loving that person. Family love is different from a lover’s love. I think in general family love is a lot more easygoing too; I mean, you can fight with each other here and there and sometimes you’ll treat each other like crap, but *usually* at the end of the day, everyone is still there for each other.

Anyway, give me your input. YES DAD AND DEREK THAT INCLUDES YOU! Or else I won’t talk to you for the entire time I’m home. You all aren’t monotonous robots; you have a damn opinion, now say something, for fuck’s sake!

In my Personal Essay class, we’re working on our second paper, on fear. Part of this includes going to people we know and discussing it with them.

So what is fear? How does the media use fear? Are humans naturally fearful — is being afraid in our genes — or are we conditioned by society to be fearful? Where does it come from? How do we overcome it? And why are we afraid to face it?

A couple of questions/prompts he gave us to help with the though processes: Are you afraid of terrorism? Also, would you like to carry around a gun?

This is my initial input (though you can expect me to comment responses and whatnot to ya). There are two different kinds of fear. There’s the natural survival instinct that causes us to fear things that threaten our lives. The second kind of fear develops in response to a traumatic event. Like, for example, I’m afraid of trusting new people because of what happened back in high school. Things like that. Can it be overcome? It can, but it’s very hard to do. Facing something you fear is obviously not a pleasant thing to do.

Now, am I afraid of terrorism? Not particularly, but it pisses me off. Look, U.S., people hate us and are trying to kill us. Did you all ever stop to think WHY? Maybe we could DO SOMETHING about it, instead of trying to kill them in response.

Would I carry a gun? Nope. And I could care less. The NRA, according to my professor, has the notion, or something, that “the ONLY way to feel safe is to have a gun.”

So… NRA… My feeling safe more or less my entire life has been a delusion because I’m not armed? Um, here, I have a better question for ya; uh, are ya fucking stupid?

But anyway, that’s my two cents for now. Let’s make this an INTELLIGENT DISCUSSION please, for fuck’s sake. Aliens are irrelevant. Plus, this is for a class, damnit. I wouldn’t be making this blog post in the first place otherwise.

Saying that I’m broke is an understatement. I can’t afford any of my textbooks, and I actually need at least of them for sure (my biology lab manual). I want to buy the textbooks for my more major specific classes, like AT techniques I, and Advanced P and C, and I’d actually keep those books for reference material in the future, but I don’t have the money. I can’t afford it. This next paycheck coming in I know already that the majority, if not all of it, is going to be going into my phone and possibly my credit card, if I can afford it. I owe a friend of mine, Chen, around $55 for covering my share of the car that we rented for a day or so (it was a very nice car, I might add). I need to save up money, not just for the bills, but to try and get that lab manual at the very least, not to mention I have to try and save up for my trip with Mom next month to DC. (Speaking of which, I need to talk to her about that in regards to how we’re going to meet up to go down in the first place). I would like/maybe need at this point a hair cut. My ends, at the very least, are long over due for a trim, not to mention I’d like to even out my length, since it looks rather ridiculous when I straighten it out and find that on the back of my head, my hair is at least an inch short than the front.

One thing is for sure, and I’m understanding this more and more every day. Colleges are not made for poor people. Especially not a private liberal arts school such as $46k a year Ithaca College. Actually, in all honesty, I’m probably a minority of more than just race here; I’m probably a hell of a lot poorer than everyone else here. At least they can afford buying used books, used! Sometimes I just feel like I’d be better off going to a cheaper state school, even if this school has what I want and need. Find some state some here in NY; I’m sure one of them has an athletic training program. Even if I won’t like it there as much as I do here; when it comes down to money, will I really have a choice?

And at this point, the issue is not what I want to get, it’s what I need to get. And I can’t turn to my parents for money; they’re strapped for cash too. I’m more or less completely on my own. I need more hours for work, but I don’t have the time these days. The workload that comes with taking 17 credits is insane. The phone bill I have to pay is $80 a month. Don’t get me started on my credit card; it’s too horrific to even speak of.

I’m tired, just physically tired. I know that I shouldn’t be complaining so much. And I know that if I have a problem I need to get my collective rear in gear and fix it. And I’m trying, I really am, but I’m getting slightly worried that in the future, I’m not going to be able to afford coming to school here.

If I had to pick one thing that described me really well, other than me, it would have to be my star sign. No, I didn’t look up typical traits of a Scorpio one day and decide “Yes, I’m going to be just like this.” Actually, until I was in school, I had no idea what a Scorpio’s characteristics were.

When I had found this information on the net, I was initially surprised that a lot of it described me. Nowadays, I’ll joke about it; “Oh, I’m such a Scorpio,” but deep down I know that it’s true – I am the epitome of everything that is Scorpio.

Well, where do I start, besides the painfully obvious? The name’s Regina Ann Baker, better known as Gina, G, Shorty, G Bakes, and several hundred other nicknames that I can’t remember and don’t feel like listing anyway. Born in the Methodist Hospital in Brooklyn, NY, 10:02am, November 21st, 1989. Weighed in at 7 lbs 12 oz., 21 cm long (because that actually matters in life for some stupid reason). I’m an arrogant, confident, bitchy nice girl with no self-esteem whatsoever. A procrastinating perfectionist (ironically; I’m a woman of many contradictions), and I’m surprised I haven’t given myself a stroke because it’s really that bad. I have a tendency to over-think things and I’m too serious for my health. I’m not all bad parts, I suppose. I have quite the sense of humor, and while I’ve never been tested for it, I’ve been told that I might be gifted in a few of the seven (or is it eight now?) intelligences. Plus I’m ridiculously musical and a sports freak; how much better can you get?

One of the biggest contributors to my new-found confidence and just a healthier self-image was going to college. And I don’t even know what it was about it that matured me. Perhaps it was having to take care of myself, more or less with out the help of my mom or dad; maybe it was the fact that after I started going to college, the relationship between my Dad and I started to deteriorate more. Maybe it was the realization that I really wasn’t such a loser, that I was just as smart and capable as the next guy, some times more so, and that I was competent enough to lead an independent life. Starting my third year here, I think I can safely say that I’m glad I managed to get myself here, even though I have the extra year here and then basically the rest of my life in med school. Hopefully in the end it will all be worth it.

I have so much to do. I wrote my lab report, and got a good portion of it done when I realized I was missing something. So tomorrow morning before my 8:25am I’m going to finish the paper and finish the homework assignment and print out the PowerPoint slides for psych class AND print out the reading for History and also the essay questions that Tom put up for us for the History final this Thursday. I also need to read a story and complete an activity in my Spanish textbook by Wednesday, not to mention my last phoner shift is Wednesday night (thank GOD they decided not to hire me next year; I HATED that job!). And I need to set aside SOME time to at least study for the exam on Thursday (Tom was so kind as to have us take our final this week, since his wife is due with a baby next week). And this is all just for this week, FORGET finals week.

But here, I’ll at least talk about some more positive things. I got my belly pierced It hurt like a bitch, and that was the second time in my life I was told that I have tough skin (I must be a crocodile or s… actually a cat’s skin is tougher than that of a human’s :3). A friend (crush) of mine and I have made plans to hang out sometime this week, which is totally awesome! Oh, and I don’t know if you remember me talking about the popular kids back in high school. Christine Mirabito, Teresa’s older sister and popular student, invited me to have dinner tomorrow, so I’m looking forward to that too.

A lot of stuff has been happening, and I mean a lot. I can’t remember half of it, seriously. It’s hard talking about it here, because not only is there so much going on, I have no energy and it feels like my brain is going to melt right out of my head. Ugh. It’s been so damn busy and in result majorly stressful. And at this point, I’m dangerously close to just screwing everything and abandoning my homework to relax a little. I at least managed to get the majority of my lab report done. Why the hell did she have to assignment so much junk for this week?! Gawd, did she think that we DIDN’T have enough to do?! There’s that stupid group project, and then this stupid lab, and then the stupid homework assignment!*ripping hair out*

Too much is going on. I think I should probably record a podcast. I feel like I’d be able to blurb better about all the crap that’s been going on. So I’d expect a podcast sometime in the near future, if I were you. Until then, I’ll either update my blog again, or… something… Yea, see what I mean when I say my brain’s going to fry and melt!?

My feet hurt, my knees hurt. I’m so tired I almost feel like I’m high. My body just feels like a sack of lead. My head feels like it weighs a ton. My eyes feel like they’re bloodshot; they probably look bloodshot too.

My head is buzzing like it usually does when I’m depressed. My eyes keep unfocusing. And I’m not even done with all the shit I need to do.

I’m tired. I’m sad. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to go home where I can rest. Rest and not have to worry about turning in this paper on time, or finishing those four assignments before going to work, or covering someone’s shifts without taking away too much homework time, or gaining the motivation to do any of this stuff, or budgeting my time so that I have time in the first place.

I don’t really care that I have about two weeks left. I’m ready to be done and away from here. I want to come home.

I’ve been too tired to feel like doing much of anything. I’ve barely got the motivation to do any work (and ironically, I still faithfully attend each class). I feel like I haven’t had a real break since the summer after I graduated. And I suppose that is true; there was my 07-08 academic year, and the summer between freshman and sophomore year I took classes all the way until late July. I didn’t do anything school related for only a month, and then I came back for my 2nd year here. Three weeks is a break, but three months honestly makes all the difference.

I know spring break is only, what, 2 days away and all, but I feel like I’m not going to be able to really catch up on rest until summer. Hopefully I won’t be too busy. This next week, I’ll probably be doing a lot of snoozing… Of course, knowing how Kasedy likes to spend every waking minute with me, or at least, as much as she can (even though we both agreed that we’re drifting apart), I have the feeling I won’t be getting as much sleep as I expect to (and that may be a better thing, who knows).

Out of 18 credits, I’m actually only taking 14, but perhaps it’s due to the fact that my classes each day are so spread apart that makes it feel like I’m doing a hell of a lot more than just 18 credits. For example, Tuesday, my busiest day of the week, starts for me at 7:45am, and ends at around 7pm. No joke. I have classes all the way through till 7pm. And it sucks. Wednesday was particularly busy this week because I had two separate doctor’s appointments. That proved to be an interesting experience. And I’ve yet to hear how physical therapy is supposed to get rid of bone pain and straighten a bent bone back into place, but I suppose I’ll soon find out for myself.

I’m only taking five classes this semester — Statistics, Emergency Care for the Health Professional, Sport and Exercise Psychology, US History Since 1865, and Intermediate Spanish. So far, I feel like I’ll have the easiest time in spanish, psych and emergency care. And it’s not because of the subject material, because fuck you, I’m good at history and math. More like it’s the professors.

My three awesome professors; Noah, Annette, and Courtney, are all really awesome. They’re animated and they have a generally good feel about them. Noah is awesome and he’s always got a ton of energy, and it rubs off on me and keeps me interested. Annette’s quiet, but she’s really enthusiastic about spanish and it shows. And she’s very understanding. I already know Courtney from last year. She’s my adviser helping me get on track for a B.S. in Athletic Training. She’s cool too, not to mention the course is more hands on so I’m doing thing that keep me interested.

Emilie’s cool and she’s nice and all, but during Stats she’s not as animated as, say, Noah. She isn’t totally dull and lifeless, which is probably why I can keep myself awake during her 8am class.

Tom’s my history professor. It’s his first semester here, and after two class days with him, I can see it’s gonna be a bitch trying to pay attention in his class. He doesn’t give us notes in a power point presentation, he doesn’t write on the board. No notes from him at all. What he does is he paces back and forth in front of the class holding a few sheets of paper, and he just talks. That’s it. There are times when he starts rambling. And I have the hardest time just focusing on his words during class. Because over time it turns into droning, and then into a hum, and the next thing I know, I’m day dreaming about stuff and I missed at least half of the lecture. It really sucks, but I’m hoping that once we get to World War One and forward from there, I’ll be able to be more attentive.

Other than that, I’m pretty sure this semester will be a breeze as well. Lucky for me I’m interested in everything I’m taking, and the majority of the classes I’m in I have fun. Interest in the subject material + fun = a really kick ass grade. That’s why I did so amazing in P and C last semester in comparison to Intro to HPPE the year before.

Well, I guess I’ll just have to deal with sucky professors and whatnot. If it gets me the degree I want, then I’m going for it regardless.