All About G

Jared was just like any other twenty-something college student. He liked to play football and lacrosse – he was on both varsity teams, not that he was bragging – went to class for the most part, and partied on the weekends.

Currently, he was enjoying the three-pound “Beefed up Burrito” at the local Mexican restaurant. This was his usual choice, but something tasted off about the delicious rolled up and stuffed tortilla. Maybe the meat was an extra day old or something. Who cared? It wasn’t really taking away from the awesome flavor, so he finished it anyway. He left a $5 tip on the table before he headed out the door.

Things didn’t feel much better by the time he got back to his house. Maybe there was something in the burrito after all? In any event, there was only one thing to do when he wasn’t feeling right: play Call of Duty.

*****

Three hours later, and he was feeling terrible. Or rather, his stomach felt like it was going through a meat tenderizer. The Xbox had long been abandoned, and he couldn’t do much more than lay sprawled out on the couch, groaning as his stomach clenched and curdled.

“What’s your problem?” His roommate, Chris, had paused on his way to the kitchen.

“Fuck…” Jarred managed to force through clenched teeth, “I think I ate a bad burrito.”

“Tough luck, bro.”

That was about the point where his intestines started to make some really weird noises. And then, Jared was scrambling to his feet, tearing down the hall and into the bathroom.

He made himself comfortable on the toilet, patiently waiting for whatever it was to come out. And it felt like a Big One: his butt felt on the verge of exploding. But, for some reason, nothing was coming out. What, was he having constipated diarrhea or something?

Taking a deep breath, he clenched, hard. He clenched every muscle he could think of that would aid in this seemingly unnatural process. It sure as hell felt unnatural.

And then, something strange happened. It came out; a long, loud fart. He was expecting that. There was a loud crash, a shout of surprise and suddenly there was a draft in the bathroom, and water was spraying everywhere.

“What the fuck man?!”

That was his other roommate, Mike. The fact that he could hear said roommate’s voice meant that something very bad had happened. Slowly, he turned around, and he couldn’t believe the sight that met his eyes. Suddenly the fact that his pants were at his knees didn’t matter in the least.

There was a huge, gaping hole in the wall. The toilet? Long gone; it was sitting in the middle of Mike’s bedroom.

“What just happened?” He asked, completely unsure of what to take from the situation.

“That’s what I want to know! What the hell did you do?!”

“Dude, I don’t know! All I did was let one rip!”

“Whoa…” Chris appeared from the kitchen, only able to stare in awe, “Dude, Jared, you farted our toilet through the wall?”

Jared could only glance helplessly between his roommates. “Man, I don’t know! How is that even possible? I mean, yeah the burrito was bad, but this is insane.”

“That’s for sure,” Mike muttered sourly, glaring daggers at Jared, “You’re taking the couch. I’m taking your bed.”

“Are you serious? I didn’t do that on purpose!”

*****

“This is bullshit,” Jared grumbled before taking a swig of beer. The bar was noisy, but that was the least of his problems. Ignoring the fact that he lost his own bed, how was he supposed to replace the toilet, the indoor plumbing, and a good portion of the wall? Sure, he had a part-time job, but really, that barely paid for his rent; forget any extra stuff, like food (or burritos).

Basically, life sucked.

“Hey, Jared…”

He glanced over, finding Michelle, a close friend of his who had many of the same classes as he did. Her company would probably cheer him up a little.

“What’s up, Shells?” he grinned, though his smile faded when he noticed a worried glint in his friend’s eyes.

“Can you give me a hand?” she asked, glancing over her shoulder at the pool tables, where a group of burly guys were hanging out, “That blonde guy won’t leave me alone.”

It was easy to pick out who she was talking about. Raising an eyebrow, he stood up, and strolled over casually. Michelle stayed by the bar, watching him like a hawk.

“Yo,” he greeted nonchalantly, catching the man’s attention.

“What’s up?” Blonde Guy asked, looking slightly more than tipsy.

Jared indicated Michelle over his shoulder, “She was saying that you were creeping her out. I was just gonna ask if you could leave her alone?”

Blonde Guy sneered, facing him fully and standing tall. “Oh really?” he shoved Jared, “You gonna make me, pussy?”

“I didn’t come over here to start shit, dude,” he reasoned, remembering that, if he got into trouble with the law, he’d he barred from playing on his sports teams. “She’s a friend of mine, and I’m just looking out for her.”

Blonde guy shoved him harder. “Butt the fuck out dude. I don’t see you two hanging all over each other, which means she’s single. She doesn’t want to be harassed? Tell her to get a boyfriend, or stop dressing like a skank!”

“Hey, don’t call her a skank.”

“Make me!” With that, Blonde guy punched him across the face, the force of it knocking him into the pool table. He straightened himself back up slowly, wiping the fresh blood from his lips. This really sucked. He knew self-defense wasn’t gonna stop a 3-game suspension for fighting. Really, what the hell was he supposed to do?

It was sudden, and random, but his stomach began curdling. He probably shouldn’t have had so much beer…

As the Blonde Guy approached him, Jared let out a burp. And it was huge: it shattered the windows, the glass bottles, and the lights. Everyone in the bar was screaming and ducking for cover. And Blonde Guy, well, he had his hands clamped over his ears, writhing on the floor and screaming in agony. He had been close enough to the noise for his eardrums to explode.

Jared could only stare on in horror. “Holy shit…”

*****

“Dude, you didn’t even hit him and you owned him! What the hell are you on?” Chris was excited about the ordeal.

“You explode a wall with your ass, and you destroy a bar by burping,” Michael wasn’t as amused, considering he was still roomless.

Jared shook his head, still in complete disbelief. “That burrito was really bad…”

“If this keeps up, I’m not gonna let you live here.”

“Hey, you kicked that guy’s ass by burping, right?” Chris spoke up, “You could be like a superhero guy, and take out robbers by burping in their face. Flatulence Man! What’d you think?”

“If they paid me,” Jared retorted, rolling his eyes at the insanity of it all, “Maybe I’d be able to pay for all the damages.”

Still…

To be continued?

———————-

Yea, this was a contest entry on a writing website I’m a member of. I figured I’d post some of my stuff here. I’m assuming it didn’t get voted through (I don’t actually know yet) because it’s so outrageously ridiculous, but all in all, I like how it came out.

The prompt was to write about an ordinary person suddenly having extraordinary powers, in 1200 words. I wrote 1,191 words :3

Enjoy!

Comments (2) Mar 04 2011

I’m a right shoe. My brother is the left. Many people say that we’re good shoes, but for a long time, we believed that we were a very bad pair. When we were in the store, nobody wanted to buy us.

Every day, many people passed by us, and some stopped and admired us, but in the end, they continued on. They would always say things like “These shoes are too expensive!”

We thought that we were worthless. We didn’t know why nobody tried to buy us. Moreover, we knew that we weren’t allowed to remain on the shelf forever. When the season changed, if we weren’t bought, we would be taken away. No one knows what happens to the shoes that aren’t bought, but it’s been said that they’re never seen again. We were very afraid that we would suffer the same fate.

Towards the end of our season, we were given a final hope: a clearance sale, but instead of being happy, we were sadder because the sale was necessary for us. Was it true that nobody wanted us? Why?

On the final day, we thought that this was the end and we had no hope. In that moment, a young man stopped in front of us. And he picked us up. He had a huge grin and he said “You seem really good. I’m in luck!” And so, he bought us and we could finally call ourselves owned.

As time went by, we learned the daily life of our new owner, who was named Mikal. He was a student at the nearby university, and shared his apartment with his three friends. There were many parties. Eventually, we got used to it. We were very happy with our new lives. We had a family and a home.

One day, Mikal and a friend were arguing. Mikal left the apartment very quickly. He was furious. His friend, Raul, took us and left the house. We were afraid because we didn’t know what Raul was going to do. Raul walked to the park, set us underneath a bush, and left us there. He didn’t return for us. The day changed to night, and we were still alone. The dark was very scary and it was very cold. We were very scared, and we wished that Mikal would find us. But, as the hours passed, nobody arrived looking for us. Another day passed and still nobody came. We thought that Mikal wasn’t looking for us and we didn’t feel wanted. We felt lonely.

That night it was even colder. We began to abandon hope that anyone was looking for us and that there was someone that wanted us. Suddenly, there were voices that were getting louder and louder. Then there was a very bright light. We heard a very familiar voice that said…

“Idiot!” Someone picked us up with gentle hands, “These are my favorite shoes! Don’t take them!”

Immediately, we recognized the voice. It was Mikal. He had come to find us!

“I already said that I’m sorry!” The second voice was Raul, but that wasn’t important to us. Our Mikal was with us; he loved us after all. We realized that in reality, we were very important, and nobody bought us at first because we had more worth than most everyone else. Mikal found us the two times we needed him, and we will always be grateful to Mikal.

***

Yea I know the sentences seem a bit elementary. But that’s what happens when your original composition is in Spanish. Yes, this is the paper I wrote (in Spanish) for my Spanish composition project. We had to write in the past tense about something that wasn’t human. I have some editing to do (in Spanish), but overall I think it came out very well. Hope you like it!

(PS – the title is “The Shoes That Didn’t Love Themselves”)

Comments (4) Oct 07 2010

This is frustrating.

I don’t know how many of you know, but I have a FanFiction account (you can check it out here). I’ve written a few stories here and there, but I feel like I haven’t really written anything good. There are a couple of stories that I’m working on that a few people like, namely “Haunted” and ‘Retards of the Caribbean”, and I’ve got something like 8 reviews each. They aren’t good enough. I don’t know. I really want to write and update Haunted, especially since I haven’t written in it in over a year, and for ROTC I have a few ideas, but for the strangest reason I just can’t seem to get these plots on paper. And it’s aggravating! I want to write good stories so that 20, 30, and 40 people will comment on and like, like Kimmie’s stories.

She says I’m a “good writer,” but it’s a bias. People that are sucking up to me tell me my writing is good. This one guy on AIM who CLEARLY wants me to date him compliments my writing all the time. All they do is suck up. So maybe it isn’t good, maybe it sucks. I’d like for someone for just come straight out and be real, tell me I should just give up, that I really do suck at writing and to not be so full of myself.

But right now I just want to be able to actually write. I have several projects I want to work on, but I can’t get the thoughts out! AUGH! I WANT TO BASH MY HEAD INTO A WALL!

Comments (1) Sep 18 2009

Okays, a creepy thing happened a few days ago, and I figured since I was telling everyone who was willing to listen, I’d write to everyone who’d be willing to read this.

Anyway, the other day I was at Great American shopping for groceries. After I stopped to talk with a friend, I headed down to where all the sodas were. Coming towards me was this tall and big guy (who looked really sketchy).

Everything seemed relatively normal, at least, until he walked past me. He then proceeded to whistle at me. I looked over my shoulder, rather incredulous that the guy actually did that out loud. It totally wierded me out. And that’s not even the whole thing.

Anyway, I bought the groceries I had to get, and as I was walking through the automatic doors, I noticed a truck that was just sitting in a parking spot, idling. I didn’t think anything of it at the time so I just went on my way over to the car. Just as I was putting everything in the passenger’s seat, that same truck drove past. I just so happened to looked over my shoulder out of curiosity. Guess who was in the driver’s seat? That guy. He was staring right at him.

And then I saw him AGAIN at Joe and Vinny’s. Luckily he didn’t say anything to me, but still, the whole time I was silently freaking out.

There you have it. That was my adventure of the weekend. I need to hang out with my friends more often. I should kidnap Steve. I need to kick his ass…. or… try to…

Comments (1) Dec 29 2008