While I feel slightly bad for not updating this, truthfully, with all that’s happened in the past 6 months, I couldn’t bring myself to write. And I don’t really feel like writing about this now, but at least it’s slightly easier than it would’ve been if I’d tried to do this sooner.

I think I can sum up this year by calling it the worst emotional roller-coaster of my life, especially with the latter half of the year, where I very frequent bounced back and forth between despair and simply being okay and surviving (though I suppose I haven’t really been truly okay, what with everything always lingering in the back of my mind).

The night of July 7th, my father was arrested, because of what he’d done to me when I was 11, and later on to my sister when she was 13. Don’t ask why I never said anything before. This all has been extremely complicated, and I still am… well, never mind.

Mom moved into a new place. We live in the boonies now. David’s been stressed because he believes that someone’s gonna break into our house, of all places, and steal shit. We continue to remind him that we aren’t going to be robbed or murdered here, most likely. Mom wants to move into town though, so David can get a job, and so we don’t have to worry about dying whenever we drive out somewhere.

Kimmie’s… yea, never mind.

My fall semester has been shitty during the week, and alright on the weekends. Though usually the morning afters, I can’t remember, but after the memories come back to me, I can stay assured that my Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights are pretty good. And I couldn’t summarize any of them for you. Somehow, I passed my classes, most important Ex Phys. Don’t get me started on Ex Phys. I’m just glad I don’t have to friggen take it again.

I want a new car. More specifically, an SUV. My first choice would have to be a Sportage. We’ll see if THAT ever happens.

I’m pretty sure the ONLY high point of the year was my week-long trip to Cape Cod with Steve. You remember Steve, right? It was a very eventful week. And I’m definitely going to go skydiving again before the day I die, at least one more time (keyword: AT LEAST).

Beyond that, I’m just doing a good job ignoring reality, as usual. My New Years resolution, which I regret making, involves me dealing with me shit. I much rather go back to pretending it never happened. I wasn’t having as many breakdowns as I started having after shit hit the fan.

Unfortunately, I’m not feeling as positive about the new year as Mom does. I don’t really have anything to look forward to. I’m graduating, yea, okay, but then what? I want to do something with my life, but I don’t want to pursue a master’s degree, not just yet. Of course, I’m gonna need an M.S. if I want to do ANYTHING with my life. When before, I was dead set on orthopedic surgery, now I’m unsure of where to go with myself. And considering I have about 5 months, this whole being stuck at a crossroads thing kind of really sucks. But I’m feeling so lethargic and apathetic, that I really just don’t give a shit anymore. Sigh.

Anyway, enough of this bullshit emo-rant. I hope the rest of you, at least, have a prosperous and successful New Year.

In any event, I decided that, before I completely forget all these non-concrete plans I have, I’d list them here, and that way, I’d NEVER forget about them :3 So, without further ado…

Firstly, before anything, I absolutely have to take the GRE’s. Preferably before August, when the test changes, and apparently becomes more of a pain in the ass. I took a passing glance at the price; $160.

Paying for torture. Oh what fun.

Another thing I absolutely want to and almost need to get is a new Ipod. I sold the last one I had to my sister. Unfortunately, that one inexplicably disappeared. Of course, that means someone stole it, but unfortunately, without any solid evidence, I can’t beat the crap out of my prime suspect.

I have a few places in mind I’d like to travel to. Not nearly as amazing as you would expect, like Miami or Cancun. Besides touring Salisbury University something before I apply, I really want to head on down to NJ. My biffy, Kristen, is turning 21 in July. Couple that with the fact that she’s a crazier partier than I am, and the fact that she doesn’t live too far from the Jersey shore, and the birthday weekend is going to pure non-stop epic raging the whole time. And I would LOVE IT.

Something I’m trying to keep in mind is the probability that Mom, Kimmie, Ricky and I will be moving out to Sherburne, hopefully. That means I may have to go job hunting. I’ve been contemplating what occupation would get me the maximum profit; so my top choices would be lifeguarding (because of the insane hours, but at least it’s in the sun), waitresses and bartending (bartending moreso, but both would be specifically for the tips).

Other things I’d like to do, but probably not be able to afford, would be to get the two tattoos I want, and the three final ear piercings (upper helix, rook and conch) I want. The two tattoos are relatively simply: on my left side, on the side of my ribs, I’d like to get two pink cherry blossoms, with or without petals (probably with). Underneath it would be the phrase “Carpe Diem,” and it would be dedicated to my awesome mom and sister. The other tattoo would be an anklet tattoo around my right ankle; yet another Latin phrase — “Ad aspera per astra” (pardon my spelling) — which means “through difficulty to the stairs”, but I might switch it around to “to the stars through difficulty”. It might just stay the way it is, since everyone I’ve asked likes that one better anyway, but just to make sure prior to actually getting it, I’ll have a poll on Facebook or something. You have been warned. That tattoo, btw, I dedicated to myself, as a reminder of what I’ve been through, what I’m going through, what I’ll go through, and how no matter what I’ll end up a better person. Think of it as my symbol of strength.

Ah right… before I forget, and I almost did, I think I’ll try an internship at my PCP’s office in Sidney. I just have to jump through a bunch of hoops first. But it will look good on the resume, so I can’t complain too much (I just need to actually get in TOUCH with the folks first…)

Alrighty, I think that’s more or less the really important stuff. I’ve forgotten or failed to mention a couple things, like hopefully taking Kimmie to Great Adventure, but if it doesn’t happen this summer it will DEFINITELY happen next summer, before I go to grad school. And now that it’s 1am, I’m gonna stop writing about this and get my collective self out of here OMG I ALMOST FORGET ONE THING!!!

Warrior Dash. I’m not even gonna attempt to explain the awesomeness of it. Just check it out here and revel in the epicness of this thing.

If I told you Saturday was probably the best and worst night of last week at the same time, would it make any sense to you?

I’ll start with the good first: Saturday was Senior game for my men’s lacrosse team, in which we won with a good score of 16-3. Overall, everyone played a great game, and I was just happy for the seniors that they celebrated one of their last home games with a great win, and a conference win at that.

After the game, A few of the players were telling us ATS’ “Yea come down to Castaways! We’re celebrating! Come down!” For those of you who are unaware, Castaways is a bar here in Ithaca that’s popular for playing live music.

So me, the once-anti-social, afraid of life girl, now found myself driving down to this bar. At first I was just mingling, not really having much to say. I was kind of annoyed that I’m flat broke and couldn’t afford to drink. Luckily, one of the coaches bought me a drink. So I took advantage and got a Long Island, knowing those get me tipsy, and more outgoing, rather quickly.

After my first drink, it got a bit easier to chat with folks, so I did just that. Someone else offered to buy me another drink, and I asked for a second Long Island.

Things are pretty good at this point. I’m not drunk, but I nicely tipsy at this point and enjoying myself. Oh, right, remember that guy I was telling you about in my last blog post? Well, he and I were flirting a bit more obviously, which was all very fun. He bought me my third drink, and this time I decided to get a schnapps and sprite.

So I’m drunk at this point. We were all planning on going to Kilpatrick’s, another bar in town, and I guess first we were going to pregame (if you can pregame when already drunk) at one of the lax houses. So we did that, then went to Kilpatrick’s. I had a bit more (a bit?) more to drink, and was, for the most part, trashed when we all moved from Kilpatrick’s to the Ale House. And I suppose I was too drunk at this point because I had only done so much as go to the bathroom when one of the bouncers kicked me out of the bar.

So I can’t even see straight by now, let alone walk straight, and I drunkenly decide “Well, I guess I’ll walk home.” I kind of feel a little bad because I just left and didn’t let ANYONE know. At this point, my phone was somewhere in Castaway’s because I did the cool thing and left it there, along with my car. I’m still not entirely sure how I actually made it to the entrance of campus. But I came across a friend, who observed that I was “really drunk.” Bless his heart, he helped me up onto campus, with me rambling jumbled words the whole way, and helped me up to my Garden, where I burst into tears and cried and rambled for something like an hour.

Oh, why did I cry? Well I suppose this would be a good time to mention the worst part of it.

So, remember that guy I was telling you about in my last blog post? Yea, well, I met his girlfriend.

… Yup. The guy I was FINALLY flirting and being flirted with, the SAME night I start doing so, I find out that, even if he was interested, it’s not like anything’s ever gonna come out of it since he HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

And for a little while I was wondering if she was making it up because I had seen no indication of my crush being taken. Up until that point everything came across to me as single. And then she made it obvious that he was taken by putting some cutesy bf/gf photos on Facebook.

So I burst into tears upon arriving home and I was probably drunkenly sobbing about how “every time I start to like a guy this happens,” and how I was just overthinking everything like I always do,” and so on and so forth. I then proceeded to attempt and fail at toasting a bagel (it was black when I pulled it out), stick it in the fridge anyway, and then pass out in my bed after typing up a super trashed Facebook status:

Figures. I was amazingly wrong. Got kicked out of a bar b/c I was too drunk. My car’s at Castaways, idk where my phone is, and I’m surprised I’m made it back to my apt. Best never ever. FML.

And then the next day, I walked the hour to Castaway’s to get my car.

Yup, crazy weekend. ‘Nuff said.

For me, this year has been a roller coaster. A lot of ups and a lot of downs (feels like more downs than ups). For the sake of organization, I’ll try to order everything chronologically:

I finally grew fed up with Kasedy and her antics and abuse. I called it quits after the fight we got into back in February. You surely remember that one, right? The blog post in which I finally let it all out? Yup, that one. Kasedy, up until a week or so ago, seemed to think we were friends again. I finally told her how I felt. And funny story: she wrote back saying “yes well, at times it felt like you were using me.”

Using her for what, I REALLY don’t know, because she has nothing that I don’t already have nor do I want. But whatever. I’m done with her, this time for good.

I sustained my first ever head injury in March. And while that’s not really a good thing, I’m kind of glad I experienced it. For me, I find it’s easier to recognize and diagnose the injuries you’ve already had, so you truly know, or at least have an idea of, how it feels. Concussions, for the record, aren’t really all that fun whatsoever, so I recommend to anyone thinking about getting a concussion; Don’t do it.

Later in the spring semester, I tried to get back into soccer. Unfortunately, I have the hunch that at this point, it really is too late to have any real chance of making the team. A few times, the question of retiring soccer for good has come up, and so far I’ve successfully avoided answering that question every time.

I was given the reward of getting into a car accident by my good friend Fate for not doing as well as I could’ve with classes, probably. I occasionally think back to that and wonder how in the world we all emerged from that more or less unscathed. Since then, I’m a bit more jittery behind the wheel, and prior to driving some distance, the night before I’ll dream about getting into some horrendous accident. It makes me a bit more paranoid on the road, and I can’t tell if that’s a bad thing, because a nervous driver is almost as dangerous as a stupid one. But I’m hoping I’ll get back to being a bit more relaxed behind the wheel eventually.

The rest of summer was a bit more eventful. I did a lot more traveling than I usually do. I wrote about those happenings in an earlier post, so I’m not going to repeat myself.

This past fall semester was extremely stressful for me, both financially and academically. Somehow I still ended up with a 3.25 GPA. so I guess if I want a 4.0 I have to be pushing suicidal.

I’ve learned that I don’t always have to ask questions and try to figure things out. Sometimes, things are as they are, and I need to just appreciate what it is for what it is. I’ll enjoy things without asking questions from now on.

And, as you’ve probably heard, Mom and Dad are officially divorced. And, as every day continues to go by, I like Dad less and less. Ignoring the drama over the divorce itself, he’s become a much bigger asshole. Now, it’s always about him, and whenever SOMETHING happens, it’s NEVER his fault, it has to be SOMEONE’S fault, and it ALWAYS has to be done on purpose and in order to make HIS life difficult. His selfishness knows no boundaries. And at the rate it’s going, I’m probably going to grow fed up with him and his bullshit. Especially since no, he’s not getting better contrary to his belief; he’s gotten about ten times worse.

Moving into this year, I’m hoping things look a bit more up. It’d be nice. I’m pessimistic though, so I guess I’ll just bite my tongue and wait and see what happens.

Do I have any resolutions? Unfortunately, I haven’t thought of any. I didn’t accomplish last year’s, which kind of led me to just not declare a resolution. But if I do something big, I’ll let you all know. (I will, however, try to update this more often)

In the meantime, I’m going to go back to relaxing and recovering from last night’s antics. Let my mind zone and avoid thinking, because sometimes thinking puts me in a bad mood…

But in any event, I hope everyone partied hard last night, and that they have a prosperous and wonderful 2011. If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to do some writing.

I’m feeling a bit better since that emo episode not too long ago. Mom, bless her soul, gave me some valuable insight. I swear, I think SHE should be my psychiatrist. But I have a lot of work to do, basically. But enough of that, let’s move on with some cooler shit.

So I just got done almost packing (I’m going to pack this laptop of mine and my flatiron tomorrow morning) for my trip tomorrow to Buffalo. And I’m pretty sure no one really knows what I’m talking about so I’ll abridge it for you.

Basically, From the 20th to the 25th, I’ll be working as volunteer medical staff (love being an AT student) at the Empire State Games, up in Buffalo. I’m going to definitely take the opportunity to do some REAL clubbing, and perhaps I’ll even be able to check out the Falls before I go back. But I’m really looking forward to this trip. And I’ll be going to bed shortly after I finish this post though I doubt I’m gonna get any sleep…

One thing I’m going to try and do is record the almost-week-long trip with my phone and post it on Youtube. That way, it’ll be almost as if you were right there with me! Yea, not really, I know… yes it was really cheesy sounding. But what better way to talk about my trip than to show it? Besides that, it’s an experiment with my phone to see just how good the quality of the video is. My old EnV 3 had really good pics, but the video quality was *horrible*. I’m crossing my fingers with my new EnV Touch.

Anyway, I really should get going to bed. I have a long day ahead of me, and it’ll only get dangerous if I fall asleep behind the wheel. I’ll try and tell you how it goes as it goes!

I don’t know if you would ever guess looking at me, but when it comes down to my skills, I’m not confident at all. Playing in high school, I was told I was good, but I was also told that I wasn’t good enough. I don’t think the people who talked to me realized what they were saying when they said it, but the message came across as clear: “You did good, but that girl over better is even better.”

Was it to try and motivate me (I’m a highly competitive person) to work harder? That might have been their intentions. Unfortunately, while I’m competitive, my self-esteem is terrible, so if someone tells me I’m not good enough, then it comes across as “You’ll never be good enough.”

I’m not trying to single him out, but Dad did that a lot. I don’t think he knows that he was even doing it (he tends to be oblivious to absolutely everything). But hearing him critique my gameplay, and then turn around and talk about how Mike Guerriere was “amazing,” (And yes, Mike is/was(?) an amazing player, probably one of the best in our region. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made it as far as the National Team) really ground it into my skull that my skill level had reached a plateau and that I couldn’t climb any higher.

What knocked me down and out were tryouts my freshman year at IC. I didn’t make the first cuts, and it was so disheartening for me; it just solidified my belief that I’d never be good enough. I wasn’t fast enough, my footwork wasn’t accurate enough, my leg wasn’t strong enough, I wasn’t good enough.

It was when Kristen talked to me that I thought “Well, maybe I am good enough after all.”

It was just a Friday AT hour in the training room, and Kristen and I were talking about soccer. She had nearly made the varsity team herself, but was cut after injuring her ankle. And I’ve seen her play. Hell, I’ve played against her. I played her team in the championship intramural game last block, when I sustained my concussion. She’s an amazing player. And we were just talking about soccer and missing it, and she then suggested that the two of us work hard over the summer and then try out in the fall.

At first I was resistant. Why bother, knowing that I surely wouldn’t make it? And I let her know that I probably wouldn’t make it. That I felt like, ever since the cut, the varsity team was on an unreachable level.

And then she had told me “I’ve seen a lot of people play, in intramurals and stuff. And I really think you could make it.”

Coming from a peer in the sport, especially one who was as good of a player as she was, gave me that spark of hope.

So I went to see Coach. I told her about the mistakes I had made, and how I missed playing and how I wanted to try again. She didn’t turn me down whatsoever. Instead, she told me “Come up to practice Friday at 6.”

And I did. And I was amazed with myself. I’m behind a little with skills since it’s been a really long time that I’ve played on that kind of level, but I held my own. I did good. And Coach agreed with me. She had let me know that I was a little behind, but I had very good speed (I’ve always been fast on the green — I was known as the deer/gazelle, when I played in high school). And she was very encouraging that once I got back into the swing of things, I’d be on that kind of level. And she invited me to go back again, tomorrow morning at 8am.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as I am now. And I’m going to go to bed now, before it gets too late. I gotta get my rest (at least some) so I can manage to get up early.

In the meantime, I’m going to bed thankful that Kristen talked me into trying again. If she hadn’t, I’d still be miserably living in my room, wishing I could be as good as them, instead of knowing that I’ve got the potential, and that I will be as good as them, if not better.

So thanks a ton, Kristen. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough.

So I discovered just how much of a life I really don’t have. Other than the trip to Oneonta to get the tattoo the Saturday after I returned, and the hair cut I got the Thursday before I had to come back to school, I spent all day, every day, pretty much either wandering aimlessly around the house whining about how there wasn’t anything to do, watching movies on my computer, or sitting on the couch and staring off into space. Oh, right! There were like, three afternoons in which Kimmie, Natalie, and I went to the park to have fun at the playground. And at least the weather outside was gorgeous. But still. I had no where to go, and pretty much no one to hang out with outside of my family, and Nat.

The weekend of my return to campus, Kimmie stayed at her boyfriend’s house Friday and Saturday night. She went straight to his house from school. So Friday, I spent the afternoon and evening at Nat’s house, playing Soul Caliber IV until midnight. And I spent all day Saturday watching Jackie Chan movies. It’s such a fail. And I hadn’t thought about it until I got done watching the fourth Jackie Chan movie, but I realized “holy crap, I have no life.”

Have I really stooped to that kind of level? I rag on Ricky all the time because he lives on World of Warcraft like it’s what keeps him alive every day (and seriously, his online gaming addiction is a problem. I might stage an intervention). And as I rag on him, I’m lounging around my house doing nothing? It just SCREAMS hypocrisy, and I hate it. I hate not having anything to do. And I hate not having anywhere to go. I hate how everyone I used to talk to is gone. And even the people I don’t talk to, just the people I see, they’re leaving too. It’s like Sidney’s becoming a ghost town. And it really sucks. I’m going to die of boredom, that’s for sure.

I’m hoping to get a job working at the pool over the summer. Maybe being out like that daily might help? I have no idea.

G'd Third Tat

Well anyway, besides not having anything to do, I did get my third tattoo. And I did get a haircut, but I don’t have a picture yet so you’ll never know what it looks like muhahahaha! The tat hurt more than the other two, and of course that’s not a surprise, considering this one was over my cervical spine.

Why did I get this one? Well, as you can see, it’s a scorpion. And, if you haven’t already figured out by now, I’m a Scorpio, through and through (I find that hilarious, because I was born on the very last day of Scorpio and everything too). Anyways, I hadn’t thought about getting my star sign on my own.

What happened was, originally, I was going to get this tattoo with Kasedy, who was going to get a tattoo representing her star sign, Taurus, once she turned 18. It was going to be a matching tat thing; something that best friends do. Natalie and Kimmie were going to get their star signs in the upper shoulder region as well, so we could all match.

That was the original plan. That was also determined before this happened. I decided, however, that just because I wasn’t getting it with Kasedy didn’t mean I didn’t have to get it at all. Besides that, Kimmie and Natalie were still getting theirs as well (at least, that I know of). So this tattoo is a tad more symbolic to me than just “I’m a Scorpio,” and “my sister and friend are getting matching star sign tats.” It’s also a statement. It says “Hey, Kasedy. Fuck you. I don’t need you anymore, and here’s how I’m proving it. See this here? The thing that we were going to get together? Well I got it alone. You’re not needed in my life anymore.”

Anyways, so I messed up a bit in terms of moving money about, I’m glad I got this tattoo in the end. It’s very pretty, and everyone that’s seen it likes it, so it’s good Plus I know I’ll never regret getting this tat. If I did, I’d regret being a Scorpio, and we all know THAT’S never going to happen.

So that’s the summary of my spring break. Hopefully, next year’s will be a bit better. And that’s hoping that Sidney doesn’t become a ghost town by then.

EDIT: Well, I’m quite the stupid one. And senile… Anyway, turns out, I *did* have a good pic in my computer of me with me haircut, as you now see. I had completely failed to remember that I kept the pic I sent a couple of my friends on my phone. I sent it to my email, and well, here we are now. Hope you like it!

Anyway, it’s about 7 days, give a few hours, since I sustained my concussion. My follow-up for my concussion says I still have a concussion. Dr. Getzin recommend mental and physical rest, of course, and advised me to push back my midterms thank God; I was worried about that. I had taken my Bioethics midterm last Thursday and I couldn’t finish it . He said “no exercise”, which I knew and had already been doing with frustration (I hate not playing soccer). I still get headaches, and they worsen when I have to really concentrate on something. The sunlight hurts too, and not just my head but my eyes. Sleeping does help and I should do more of that, but since I’m going home in a couple of days, and since I don’t have a life outside of the house and Nat’s place, I think sleep won’t be an issue.

… Crap. I shouldn’t have stopped typing this to pull up a song… now I can’t remember what I was gonna write. Yea, my short-term memory has improved, but it’s not back to the way it was. Um… yea. Since I don’t remember what else I was going to say, I guess I’m done with this blog post =/

I’ve pretty much lost the ability to think. I’m almost looking forward to going home. And I’d actually be looking for it if it weren’t for the fact that I’ll be working. Lame! Who ever heard of me having a REAL break? I know I sure as hell didn’t!

There’s a knot in my neck the width of my thumb. It starts at the base of my skull and it goes down to my scapula. I think I need to see a massage therapist.

Everything is riding on my Advanced P and C final on Tuesday. Else I’m pretty much fucked. I hate life.

Some relatively good news: All my personal essay papers came back with A’s, and this final paper of mine is coming along nicely. I’ll post up download links to them so if you want to read them you can, and if you don’t want to read them, you can stfu and not bitch that I posted them anyway.

… I actually had a lot more to talk about. Unfortunately, I completely forgot all of it. So, I suppose I’ll try to keep you posted.

My 20th birthday was spent upstairs fucking around on Kimmie’s computer, and eating birthday pie (because I can’t stand the texture of cake). Presents couldn’t be afforded (though I got a candy bar from Kas, so I guess it’s something), though I suppose I shouldn’t have expected anything; after all, Mom told me to not expect anything come Christmas, a month later.

I got paid on Wednesday (yesterday, technically), and half of it went to my credit card, a shirt, and some neccesities. On Friday, I hope to get a new pair of boots, but I’m not really expecting much there either because I have approximately $40 in my account, and unless the boots I saw were discounted further, I won’t be able to afford them, though I need a new pair.

I helped Mom with baking a couple of pies just now. Two pumpkin and an apple. I think I might be helping with the turkey, but I don’t know. I suppose I ought to be feeling that ol’ holiday cheer, like I do every year, but I just don’t feel anything.

… Check that. I feel completely and totally furious because I deleted the texts I sent myself and INTENDED to fucking save. It figures. I just don’t fucking care anymore.

Hopefully I’ll be in a better mood when I wake up in the morning.

I suppose the only good new that comes out of this post is I’m a year loser to death. Whoopie. I’d wish you a Happy Thanksgiving, but it wouldn’t be coming from the heart. So I’ll try to update tomorrow after the festivities are over. I just hope I won’t be feeling so shitty by then. In the meantime, I’m going to attempt to remember that fucking text I deleted (I can’t even begin to tell you how pissed off I am about that).